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AIBU?

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Original poster

Separated parents and Christmas presents from the kids

40 replies

richteasandcheese · 06/12/2019 07:00

So pre separation, we would give the other person an idea of some small gifts so that the kids could go and buy + wrap them (with their help) to give on Christmas day.

I thought that this would still be agreeable up to a certain budget ie £20 but apparently it's not. If I want something, then I need to buy it and give it to him for the kids to wrap

Am I being a bit precious - it's not the knowing what I'll get aspect, as that happens anyway, but it removes the gift buying/giving aspect for the kids imo. I suppose I'm also a bit sad which will be clouding my judgement as to reasonableness

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 06/12/2019 07:02

What ages are the kids?

DeathStare · 06/12/2019 07:03

I've only known separated parents to take their child shopping for a present for the other parent if they continue to have a very good relationship. Many single parents (myself included) just don't get any presents. Sorry OP, you're right though - it is sad

WillYouDoTheFandango · 06/12/2019 07:03

YANBU. How old are the DC? Is there anyone else who can take them and help them with this e.g your family? They shouldn’t have to and it’s a reasonable thing to ask your ex to do but if it means you get a nice surprise on Christmas Day it’s worth it.

Thehop · 06/12/2019 07:05

I have an excellent relationship with my ex, we still go halves on the kids big present but we don’t buy presents for each other. I buy him a school photo and he gets me a personalised tee towel from school when the kids bring them home but that’s all.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 07:07

My mom didn't get us presents from my dad and my dad didn't get us presents from my mom.

He should stop being a prick and do it for the kids. Let them pick out some small bits for him. Let him be the selfish one.

flissity · 06/12/2019 07:11

I take the dd’s To a couple of shops and they choose a present or 2 for their dad. I also receive a present from them that obviously he has sorted out. Usually something nice and thoughtful!! It’s the right thing to do for the Dc. We also do this birthdays and mother’s/Father’s Day.

Original poster
richteasandcheese · 06/12/2019 07:19

They are 4 and 7

OP posts:
heidiwine · 06/12/2019 07:25

Part of being separated parents is navigating the things you think differently about. He doesn’t think he should do this and you think he should. Fact is you can’t change him.
So, continue to do what you think is right (help your children choose and wrap a gift for him) until they get to an age when you give them money to do it and then to an age when they use their own money to do it. In the meantime, when the children are v little (and it sounds like they are) ask a family member or friend if they can take the children to buy something for you.
I have very vivid memories of my mum’s mum taking me to Woolworths to buy a presents for my mum after my parents had separated. I learnt a lot from those trips about giving and receiving.

Lollypalooza · 06/12/2019 07:26

I have been wondering about this. My DD is 5. As you say, pre-separation we’d each take her to the shops to get a few little gifts for each other for birthdays, Christmas, mother’s/father’s day. This carried on after we’d separated amicably, without really mentioning it, we just did it automatically. However this is the first year he’s living with a new partner this Christmas who seems to want to cool off our communication/friendship. So I’m not sure whether to now stop with the gifts, which to be honest are more about DD than they are about receiving something- she loves to choose something Daddy would like and wrap it up and give it to him, and I think it’s important to learn about gift giving as well as receiving.

SunniDay · 06/12/2019 07:28

Hi OP,
Take them to the pound shop with the remit to buy something for you/their dad and nan etc if appropriate. Maybe £2 budget per person - so each of them choosing a gift each for the person. You could guide them if required but nice to see what they choose.

I know you said dad isn't willing to help with gifts for you but don't lower yourself to the same level.

Then home to wrap them together - nice fun for the kids.

ittooshallpass · 06/12/2019 07:29

Sorry OP, no Christmas present from your children is one of the really shitty parts of being a single parent.

(And after my DS decided get the whole family to 'just buy for the kids' over a decade ago, I haven't had a Christmas present from anyone at all - they all of course get presents from their partners and children but that's another story).

Do what I do and treat yourself to something nice for Christmas.

vivacian · 06/12/2019 07:30

Keep doing what you think is right. Do you have anyone who can take your DC shopping or crafting for you?

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/12/2019 07:30

Hi OP, single parent to a 4 year old here - no xmas present, birthday present or mother's days card 'from' my son ever. It's just the way it is.

Rainwilds · 06/12/2019 07:30

My daughters and I will buy their dad a Christmas present from them. He (his girlfriend) will also buy a present with the kids for me.

AuntieStella · 06/12/2019 07:34

They are young enough that they will need help in working out what you might like, but old enough to know that they should be choosing so the present can be a surprise.

It does sound as if your ex can't be bothered, which is always annoying. OK, he might be worried that you'll blame him if you don't like the present (almost invariably a misplaced belief, trotted out by selfish men who really mean 'I can't be bothered to think about you, but even I know I should, but I don't want to').

It's a pity he can't see the importance of this to his DC, and getting them to choose (based on no more than a hints list). Or even just loosing them in a suitable shop and going with their choices (can produce interesting items, but they can still be wonderfully, peculiarly memorable gifts

vivacian · 06/12/2019 07:43

My daughters and I will buy their dad a Christmas present from them. He (his girlfriend) will also buy a present with the kids for me.

Why would you post that??

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 07:49

@Lollypalooza still do it. It's for your children not for anyone else. Kids always get excited to give their parents presents they've chosen themselves.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 06/12/2019 07:51

I take my DD to buy a present for her Dad, my exh. Only because she asks me too. If she didn’t ask I wouldn’t bother.

My Mam takes dd shopping to get me a gift as exh wouldn’t (nor do I expect him to).

lifeisgoodagain · 06/12/2019 07:56

Is there someone else who could take them, I took my friends kids shopping for her the year after her divorce.

My kids are grown so a non issue but my stbexh has given me £300 for presents and food, he'll be coming to dinner Christmas Day (have yet to tell him his invitation on Christmas Eve still stands but my new man will be there, hoping he will just not come, he can meet the kids in the pub instead!)

Longfacenow · 06/12/2019 07:59

Sorry OP. Is there anyone else in your life who might think to do this with the children so they still get to buy you something?

JagerPlease · 06/12/2019 08:13

Ex and I both take DS3 to buy a present for each other for Christmas/birthday/mother's Day - it's for his benefit (for my birthday he chose me a pot of pringles!). I would def see if there's another relative that could help them (even if you have them a tenner or something)

Original poster
richteasandcheese · 06/12/2019 09:14

Thanks all. I know I'm being a bit sensitive but it's making me feel irrationally upset (separation is new and we are stuck in the same house at the moment). I don't get 'presents' from anyone else either - my parents/grandparents give very generous cash gifts which I am very very very grateful for, but yeah, sometimes I wish someone would get me a little surprise that they've taken time and thought over. Basically I'm playing my tiny violin and need to get over myself......!

OP posts:
Whattodoabout · 06/12/2019 09:19

When I was a single parent I used to let them choose me something in a shop and I would have my back turned, I’d also turn my back when they checked out the items at self check out and they’d hide them once we got home. They wanted to get me something, I wouldn’t really have been fussed otherwise. It is just a part of single parenthood until they’re old enough to go to the shop and choose something themselves.

Mulledwineinajug · 06/12/2019 09:25

We don’t buy Christmas presents for adults but we do get something for each other from the kids for birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day

Mulledwineinajug · 06/12/2019 09:26

I don’t get any Christmas presents but that’s just the same as it was when we were together. The gift is not having to buy any except for the kids!

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