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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separated parents and Christmas presents from the kids

40 replies

richteasandcheese · 06/12/2019 07:00

So pre separation, we would give the other person an idea of some small gifts so that the kids could go and buy + wrap them (with their help) to give on Christmas day.

I thought that this would still be agreeable up to a certain budget ie £20 but apparently it's not. If I want something, then I need to buy it and give it to him for the kids to wrap

Am I being a bit precious - it's not the knowing what I'll get aspect, as that happens anyway, but it removes the gift buying/giving aspect for the kids imo. I suppose I'm also a bit sad which will be clouding my judgement as to reasonableness

OP posts:
bsc · 06/12/2019 09:29

I agree with sunniday - your children will love choosing something in a shop by themselves, it will make them feel so grown up and excited about the giving.
Take them to get him something. If you have a pound shop, perhaps let them choose something (s) for you too- many 7yo could manage to wrap after a fashion, and they will find it so exciting on Christmas Day handing it over. (Do practice your "Oh, that's amazing, I LOVE it" face first!!)

Do not stoop to his level- you're raising your children to be wonderful people and they'll learn that from you not from him.

I do hope you have a lovely Christmas with your children Thanks

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 09:38

@richteasandcheese do you need the money from your parents? If not, give that to the kids and let them pick a present? So then it's like getting a gift from your parents and kids in one!

It's very selfish if you're still living together and he's not even willing.

ysmaem · 06/12/2019 09:45

I buy for the kids father from our kids (separated 6 years ago) and I would never expect him to buy his own gift. He buys mine from the kids too. What's the point if you have to buy your own gift?! Better off just not getting gifts from the kids really or better yet give th money to the children and let them choose themselves (if they're old enough) that's what my separated parents did, give me and my sister the money to buy the gifts. Much more thoughtful IMO too.

FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 09:54

Is there another adult that could take them shopping. I think you'd have to give them ideas and money but you deserve something.

RollOnNextYear · 06/12/2019 10:10

My ex used to buy something from ds.. A thoughtless gift. Normally out of date chocs.
I used to get aftershave or similar. One day he had the cheek to say aftershave again another for the charity bag. ( wasn't mega cheap but wasn't a posh one) I was so annoyed as I was a Single parent struggling

From that day forward I stopped.. Ds was about 7? In the end I took him to asda or somewhere and let him choose without me looking. (I'd wait in a certain spot.) gifts don't bother me so didn't matter if he chose a box of malteser or a candle, pjs or whatever.. It was the thought.. Same with the cards. I took him to a card shop. Showed him the area he needed and waited by door.
My first card whn he was 7 said mother in law 😂

I get his dad a card but that's it.

sleepymummy2019 · 06/12/2019 10:20

YANBU but there’s nothing much to be done about it, you can’t force him to be kind.

I’d take the kids to Lush or somewhere, give the 7 year old 30 quid, and ask one of the assistants to help them choose you some stuff. They can wrap it too. The kids will enjoy it, and you’ll have a bit of something to open.

Or if you have any family or friends locally, get them to do the same?

blackteasplease · 06/12/2019 10:21

I’m a single parent. I suggested to the kids that they make me a present / card. Then you get something thoughtful but they haven’t had to spend their money or go to the shops if they’re too young to go alone (dd is 11 so could walk to the local shops if she chose, ds is 5 so can’t but could do me a drawing which I’d be just as happy with!)

I do get presents from my parents, aunties etc though and some friends so it’s not quite the same as those who don’t get presents. That must suck, I understand.

blackteasplease · 06/12/2019 10:23

When I was with exh he was hit and miss. Sometimes nothing, sometimes an extravagant present. Extravagant because it’s easier than something reasonably priced and thoughtful.

Booboostwo · 06/12/2019 10:49

Your Ex is being mean and I can see why you'd be upset about this. Hopefully soon your eldest will be old enough to understand the need to save pocket money and use it to buy presents.

tisonlymeagain · 06/12/2019 10:54

When we divorced we agreed to buy presents for each other for Xmas, birthday, mothers/fathers day etc with the kids to a set budget. To be honest it wasn't for us, more the fact that our kids are early teens and REALLY enjoy picking and giving presents. I can't imagine how shit my kids would feel if they didn't have a gift to give their dad on those special days.

vivacian · 06/12/2019 11:09

Buy yourself three thoughtful, desired presents.

just5morepeas · 06/12/2019 11:20

I get irrationally upset over not having thoughtful gifts given to me.

For my own peace of mind I've had to get over this a bit and realise that just because I like to do this for others it's not wrong of them not to have the insight to do the same. I treat myself to something on my birthday and at christmas and have got better at telling people what to get me if they ask - not the same as your issues I know!

It's sad but you might have to accept he's not going to do this. I'd still help your kids get their Dad something as I think it's good for kids to learn about giving and see if someone else can take your kids shopping for you or do it yourself? Not ideal but it's probably better for you in the long run than getting upset about something that probably isn't going to change.

PumpkinP · 06/12/2019 13:25

This seems an odd thing to be upset about to me. I have 4 kids and I’m a single parent. Never received a single gift, going to the shop and getting them to choose something seems abit weird and ott to me. If I wanted a present that bad I would just buy it myself.

Reallynowdear · 06/12/2019 13:40

Hi op, do what will have the least negative impact on your children.

As it's a new separation, of course you're feeling sad but next year will be better.

Get something from them otherwise they may be sad too.

Original poster
richteasandcheese · 06/12/2019 14:08

I'm sorry PumpkinP that you are also giftless at Christmas. I'm sorry too that you appear devoid of empathy

Thanks for all your suggestions. My parents aren't local but I could give the kids some pennies and let them 'secretly shop' on a trip out together so they get the fun of present buying. I have also treated myself to an activity I want to do. I know I'm being a bit pathetic, and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have all that I do, but after 7 years of EA, I'm letting myself feel my feelings. Big pants on now though

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