To ask how I can build up my daughter’s confidence?

[BusyBusyBea]

She’s nearly five and she is wonderful. Funny and gentle and kind.

She’s anxious and frightened of a lot of things. Being alone. The dark. Water.

She started school this year and by watching her with her new friends I realise that she seems to be very easily led and allows herself to be dominated a lot.

I lack a lot of self confidence and this has dogged me my whole life. I will do almost anything to avoid confrontation and I am plagued by what my boss assures me is imposter syndrome. I don’t want this for my daughter.

What can I do to improve her confidence?

Also, introversion is not the same thing as shy, and it is no bad thing to be. I grew up in a house full of extroverts and it took until adulthood to understand that I wasn’t weird or selfish or uncaring - just that my normal was very different to theirs. My relationship with my folks is so much better now!

Gradually teach your daughter to know and trust her own mind by explaining how differently people operate, and she will find friendships and knowing her own mind much easier.

It may be worth getting her totake ownership of her tasks and skills so her confidence will evolve. For example making her own breakfast (if she doesn't already), asking her what reading she has been set and letting her guide you, does she have xmas cards to write for her claSsmates, so writing these herself, looking at the different clubs and activities at school and asking her which ones appeal. Not sure what else

Praise her but for things she can change like effort, kindness and bravery (and bravery for her means doing something she finds challenging even if another child would do it without thinking) not for talents or skills. The former type of praise makes a child feel more in control (you did well because she tried hard). The type of praise that focuses on inherent personality traits (you did well because you're clever/talented).

I think it's best to support her but resist the temptation to intervene. Be a safe place she can return to rather than a rescuer if you see what I mean. She'll feel the confidence you're showing in her.

I also think giving a child some small responsibilities at home can make them feel important. Just something little like laying the table then letting them know how helpful that was. Also asking their opinion sometimes (I don't mean making them in charge of everything - you're the parent but you can still value their input about outings and what to have for dinner etc.)

Resilience and confidence aren't supported by being pushed into uncomfortable overwhelming situations where you're likely to fail.

Find activities in which she will feel successful and that will support her self-esteem.

Make sure she knows that you love her exactly as she is because any messages that she isn't living up to expectations will make her more fearful.

Remember you ca n make things better by giving children a little nudge at the right time but, if you choose the wrong time or push the wrong child a bit too hard, you can make things a whole lot worse.

Try to listen to your instincts, not other parents. You know yours better than anyone else.