To ask how I can build up my daughter’s confidence?

[BusyBusyBea]

She’s nearly five and she is wonderful. Funny and gentle and kind.

She’s anxious and frightened of a lot of things. Being alone. The dark. Water.

She started school this year and by watching her with her new friends I realise that she seems to be very easily led and allows herself to be dominated a lot.

I lack a lot of self confidence and this has dogged me my whole life. I will do almost anything to avoid confrontation and I am plagued by what my boss assures me is imposter syndrome. I don’t want this for my daughter.

What can I do to improve her confidence?

Your dd needs to see you tackle challenges and not be afraid of failure. My dd decided she was 'no good at maths' back in primary school, even though she was good at maths.... so when she was doing her homework, I would join in and talk about how much fun it was to solve a problem, ooh, I love trying to work out something difficult, it's always good to have a go, it doesn't matter if you don't get it right the first time, etc. It helped her with her fear of even trying and fear of failure.

Yes, and agree with pp re: micromanagement (avoidance of) later on in life. They need to feel able to manage their own fears and risks. You can lay down the basis for all of this over the coming years.

@BertrandRussell it's not about making them do something they're afraid of, but about teaching them that nerves can be overcome and giving them opportunity for a sense of accomplishment. If you only ever do things that you find really easy, you don't develop pride or confidence in your ability to work through diversity. You have to pick something realistic and age appropriate, you don't want them to struggle too much of course, but there has to be a slight challenge to feel the sense of accomplishment.

Thank you.

Wow. The micromanagement stuff. That was my (well meaning) mum to a tee 😳

CherryPavlova has articulated it perfectly OP.

What does stagecoach do for them in your experience please? How is it set up? I have been thinking about putting my child in to it but have been unsure.

Stagecoach is a franchise, so it varies very much from town to town. I would go and see one of their shows first. Some of them are are at the “tush, teeth and tits” end of theatre if you see what I mean! If you have a theatre in your town I suggest seeing if it has a youth group.

I agree with the above regarding activities where she can learn to shine in a group but WITHOUT the group depending on her, because that brings its own pressures that might defeat the purpose:

Stagecoach
Ballet
Dance
Ice skating (we started it for this very reason and it's been a HUGE success)
Horse riding (might be £££ depending on where you are though)
Rock climbing (most climbing walls have kids clubs)

Something where she is using her body rather than something introspective like art club or an instrument, I think, though. This will also pay dividends as she gets older.

Cannot recommend ice skating enough though, even at this age.

Rock climbing would be a good source of confidence building

I used to teach at a Stagecoach and if I'm honest it's not ideal for most shy children. It's a lot to deal with for a child who is naturally quiet. There were a few enrolled who were obviously there to improve confidence but it was torturous for most of them.

Sports and Rainbows my dd was a shy wee thing till she took up running and athletics now you would never know she used to be shy she is a confident young lady.

Dance or drama class? Just some advice of you do choose to enroll her in performing arts. Be very careful what class you choose, at my school we have competition classes, exam classes and classes as a hobby. You daughter would need to be enrolled in the class for hobbies as lacking confidence she might not cope well with the stress and pressure that can come from competition and exam classes, especially as they get a bit older and get very competitive even against each other. In my school the kids in the “just for fun” class get to perform twice a year once at a Christmas show and once in an end of year showcase, some then move into the other two classes after gaining confidence as could happen with your daughter.

One thing that I don't think has been suggested here is asking her to tell you things she is good at are the things that make her special. You can also model this. "I am brilliant because I am always kind to other people". You can make it a game. Tell me 3 reasons why you are brilliant. You can also do it for each other. In the car on the way home from school we often play a game where we all share something we did that we are proud of that day, and something we did that was kind, and something that happened that we want to talk about (can be good or bad). In all of these the focus is on what you did, behaviours, and effort... rather than specific achievements

Thank you.

She’s going to start rainbows when she is five early next year. She’s not a sporty active child but I have been thinking about dance or drama. She absolutely loves arty/crafty type stuff.

I’ll need to have a look at what kind of stuff is on in our area

an age appropriate martial arts class, judo is great, self control and confidence.

Create opportunities for her to succeed on her own terms, let her make decisions that you can shower her with praise for.

She can lay the table however she wants, she can serve up the food for dinner however she wants, she can chose what the family does for a whole day once in a while.

Anything which promotes autonomy and makes her feel proud of herself.

My DS sounds similar to your DD. He also lacks confidence and is scared of being alone and the dark. He is wary of new situations, like extracurricular classes or even birthday parties with an entertainer leading and redirecting the party.

Socially he expresses thus lack of confidence a little differently to your DD. He is happy talking to adults, probably as he has lots of experience of doting grandparents who will play whatever he likes with him and let him establish the rules. At school he sticks to one or two children. I think he would like to play with others, but doesn't have the confidence to approach them and doesn't know how to deal with playing with them as he won't be in control.

We saw a family support worker last year due to him not playing much with other children. She said some useful things, e.g. letting him choose his own friends and figure things out for himself, even if we think they aren't a good match. Another one was giving him some simple, clear chores around the house. Generally something he can do with us, e.g.. He sets the table while we get out drinks and bring the food over etc.

In terms of activities, I am clear with DS that I expect him to try new things but he can choose what they are. I would like him to have one activity at a time, but he can choose to change it at the end of the term if he doesn't want to continue anymore. He's not sporty and it's not immediately obvious where his talents lie, but I will continue encouraging him to try new things until he finds something he enjoys and is good at.

At home, he really enjoys activity books that he can follow. E.g. he has a cook book and has cooked loads of recipes out of it (this in itself is a big confidence builder). He also has a craft book and enjoys flicking through it and pick g out what he wants to make. I think being in control of this makes all the difference, rather than me deciding that we are going to make Christmas decorations and directing what we are going to do.

Be at ease with yourself and with your daughter be as matter of fact as the situation allows you to be

I teach and find that children believe themselves to be what you tell them that they are.

Tell her she is smart, confident and strong - consistently - and she will live up to your expectations.

Obviously as pp have said, you need to create opportunities for her to exhibit those qualities and target the praise specifically.

I don't think you need to burden her with loads of clubs or activities either. You can say you are proud of how confidently she handed the money to the server in Costa, or how bravely she went on the big slide.

And model those qualities yourself, even if you do not feel them inside. Talk yourself up in front of her, not down.

I get the impression from the first post that you “know” that you should model confidence. My daughter is quiet, but confident, because she knows that she has succeeded at things and that effort pays off. She plays hockey and swims. I know that you said not sport, but perhaps as she gets older a musical instrument would be a good idea, it requires perseverance but pays off. My daughter went to a drama group called “perform” for a while which is aimed specifically at quieter children. It may work well for your daughter.

Rainbows and Brownies are great. Many girls find it easier to be themselves in a female oriented environment and a smaller group than a classroom setting. The interest badges allow you to work on things she is interested in and be praised and rewarded for this. They also encourage a lot of group work, including working in mixed age groups and there are so many opportunities as they get older to do sleepovers, camps and other experiences.

The best way to go and build her confidence is firstly to accept that this her personality. No point in trying too hard to get her be who she isn't. This could just end up putting her under a lot of pressure and make her even less confident.

Do expose her to situations that she might shy away from. Don't teach her that avoiding difficult situations is best for her. Encourage her to do things by reassuring her that it is normal to be anxious for some people, that it is perfectly ok, but that the best way not to be scared of something is to actually do it. Use the example of how frightened she would have been as a baby to take her first steps, she doesn't remember because people don't remember things from that far, but it must have been very scary, yet she did it all on her own, and now doesn't think twice about it. It's the same for any scary experience.

Always be there for to be her rock. Don't make her feel she is inferior to others, don't compare her with others, remind her that she is amazing in her own way. Make her feel special and that she is totally lovable as she is. Even if she tells you off for telling her that, insists she isn't etc..., always say that she is to your eyes.

Hi! My DD is a follower at the moment who lacks in confidence. She panics about showers and hand dryers. My mum and dad didn't exactly build me up confidence wise growing up, as they didn't expose me to much at all. They didn't do meals out, cinema trips, going on trains, holidays etc. When I was in my late teens I missed out so much because I was invited to heaps of things but was too nervous to go.

With my DD I have started her at swimming lessons. She's still quiet at them and. It learning as fast as some. But she likes it and she gets to see other children and learn to listen.

She's had three holidays in the UK.

We take her to zoos, farms, beaches, woods etc.

We eat out with her sometimes.

We do a big outdoor play park when the weather's ok. It has hundreds of kids running about. We encourage climbing and turn taking.

She's been to the cinema twice aswel to give her the experience of noise, tickets, sitting still etc.

We've had struggles with public toilets etc. She's improving now though.

If you can expose her to lots of things her confidence will grow.

Perhaps let her lead abit at home. Let her load the washer or choose tea one night. Let her choose which way you walk. Let her choose something for you to wear or her? Anything that means she feels shes allowed to lead sometimes.

Also I try remind myself that shy is not a bad thing if they are happy xx

I think it's interesting re the friendships.

She obviously likes playing with the girl who is more of a natural leader - is it right to tell her that friendship is wrong or let her work it all out herself in the longer term if she's happy now? It feels like telling her how she should be and she's so very very young.

Hello from a formerly very shy and easily led child, OP. Parenting has changed so much for me, including my own confidence and self-worth.

Sports/drama/music clubs are brilliant and I recommend something like that too.

For you, please read Mindset by Carol Dweck. It is a bit dated and cheesy, but the message about growth mindset vs fixed mindset is (or can be) life changing. Teaching your child to operate in a growth framework will be huge for her confidence and her future work ethic.

Read articles on mindset, talking to kids, supporting them, setting clear and healthy boundaries etc and I promise it will be worth it for both of you!