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To reconcile with MIL?

42 replies

Micr0pig · 05/12/2019 23:01

I have posted about my MIL before on a different username and received some wonderful MN advice. To give some background, I have been with DP for 5 years and have been NC with MIL for over a year. This stemmed from a time with her staying at ours while work was being done on her house, and it was the first time she had really been fully immersed in our day to day lives as a couple. Seeing us doing nice, kind, caring things for each other really brought out the green eyed monster in her and she became more extreme in marking her territory around her son and making sure I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own home. Examples...

  • She would be incredibly jealous of me making nice dinners for DP (I absolutely love cooking and he makes it v clear that he loves the meals I cook! MIL refused to eat any food I cooked while she stayed and ate ready meals instead, despite me always offering to cook for her).

  • Constantly making DP special lunches to take to work with little notes in his sandwich box, or buying snacks that are his favorites from when he was a child, all while saying she knows his preferences best because she is his mum after all

  • Completely ignoring me all day, not responding when I knocked on her door, not responding when asked if she wanted a cup of tea, and not coming out of her room the entire day except to dart to the bathroom and back

  • She would become visibly irritated if DP greeted me first when he came home from work. If he arrived home and gave me a hug first instead of her, she would become snappy, shrug him off and go to her room in a huff.

  • When DP approached her about how she kept being nasty to me and it was making me uncomfortable in my own home, they ended up having a huge blazing row which ended when she called him the c-word and stormed off to her room. After this he asked her to move out and their relationship was very rocky for a few months afterwards.

Before she moved out she apologised to me and I thought everything would be okay following that, but when I tried to contact her afterwards she has deleted me off everything and hasn't now spoken to me for 18 months.

My DP is very supportive of me and he will stand up to her, he knows she is in the wrong and can be a very nasty person, however he has a lot of guilt/obligation towards her as FIL is not on the scene so she relies on him quite a bit. He knows she is unreasonable, but she has fragile physical and mental health and no other family so he doesn't want to push the issue too often as it causes further arguments between them.

However... MIL has recently started to mention to DP that she's realising we are serious and I'm in his life and not going anywhere, and that she will need to have a relationship with me so that she can see her future GC (which will hopefully be coming along in the next few years!)

AIBU to feel like she is only considering reconciling with me to benefit herself so she can have a relationship with my future kids? Should I do it anyway and just let the past be forgotten so to keep the peace?
OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

121 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
calmama · 05/12/2019 23:09

What kind of mother calls her son a c*?!

Not sure how to vote but I wouldn’t reconcile. Once you add kids it gets worse. Exponentially. Trust me...

Lulualla · 05/12/2019 23:17

She wants to he the number 1 person in his life. She will want to be number 1 in the lives of your children too.
Can you imagine when she tells youd partner how she thinks they should be patented and then you say something else? Yuck. Not worth it.

jessyjo2 · 05/12/2019 23:26

Not easy, but definately let situation go and hope for the best. Hope her staying with u was just a 1 off situation, think u need to have ur own space.

DoubleFunMum · 05/12/2019 23:35

If I were you I'd perhaps be prepared to be civil for the sake of my DH and family harmony but I'd be keeping her at arms length. You have been fortunate to glimpse her true self before children come along and in my experience the arrival of grandkids is usually the thing that pushes quietly psychotic mothers into full psychotic granny mode. Be warned and don't get too comfortable with her new, well behaved self. The true 'her' is still lurking in there, just waiting until you're a vulnerable new mother imo.

justilou1 · 05/12/2019 23:35

Why bother? Would you want any future kids subjected to that kind of behaviour? Little kids find it absolutely terrifying!!!

ChookieYorksBrokenSweatGlands · 05/12/2019 23:39

She behaved terribly but I think it's always worth giving a second chance.

user1471582494 · 05/12/2019 23:41

Yep sounds like you've got her number. She's not interested in you at all. You are a threat. She wants access to your future children. I wouldn't reconcile as such, not sure if I could after all she's said and done. I would allow DP to take the child/children to her on occasion without you, but she wouldn't darken my door again.

Themountainsarecalling · 05/12/2019 23:41

She's only just realised that you'll be around for the long term after 5 years?!

She's not interested in reconciling because she's sorry for how she's behaved, only because she thinks she may miss out in the future when it comes to seeing grandchildren. At least you know exactly where you stand with her and I'd be happily continuing the non-contact.

EL8888 · 05/12/2019 23:42

I personally think leave things as they are and remain nc. She sounds like a nightmare and who needs that in their life. I doubt she has changed, lm sure she is just being more cunning in the way she operates

Yarboosucks · 06/12/2019 01:04

I will probably get flamed for this, but any woman who used the C word to her own child would not be involved in the life of my children. Hideous

Soon2BeMumof3 · 06/12/2019 01:26

Potential DC are a great reason not to get closer to this woman. She is possessive over your DH, what makes you think she'll be less jealous and stupid when it comes to GC?

She will be worse! You will be exhausted and hormonal with a newborn, and she will be stomping around claiming her territory when you are least able or willing to stand up to her.

If you do involve her, keep firm boundaries from the get go. Don't imagine she'll suddenly be lovely just because she's a granny.

BeginningToLookLikeChristmas · 06/12/2019 02:36

Usually I would agree to second chances, however her reasons for now accepting you are entirely selfish ie access to future GC! It does lot sound like she actually regrets how she treated you or the disrespect she displayed to her son.

Personally as your DH is not guilt tripping you I would explain that at this time you do not want a relationship with his MIL

BeginningToLookLikeChristmas · 06/12/2019 02:36

Sorry type his Mother (not MIL!)

Pollyhops · 06/12/2019 03:16

I’d stay NC too.

My MIL was very cold towards me and dismissive of our relationship at first. It got worse one kids were involved. We are not NC as she moved to a different country. So we see her once every few years and the odd text in between. If she was local, we would have gone NC.

Pixxie7 · 06/12/2019 03:45

She is a typical mother of a son who can’t let go. However she does deserve another chance let it go but if reoccurrence I would back off permanently.

Bluerussian · 06/12/2019 04:09

I cannot imagine my mother or my mother in law ever uttering the C word. That is dreadful.

No advice really, you have to navigate this relationship yourselves but tread carefully. Baby steps.

lyralalala · 06/12/2019 04:14

I think for your husband’s sake you can give her another chance

Mainly because I don’t think she’ll be able to keep up a front for long if she’s not genuine and if that is the case (which is most likely) it’s best to deal with that pre-children

This way there can never be any “Well, she did try and fix it...” comments because you have given her the chance

Jokie · 06/12/2019 04:39

Nope. No chance. No way. Not going to happen.

She's shown you exactly who she is, believe it. It's only going to get worse when you have children.

PenelopeFlintstone · 06/12/2019 04:48

I voted YANBU, meaning You should reconcile. That was right, wasn’t it?

itswinetime · 06/12/2019 06:11

I think at the moment you don't have kids so I would use this time as a test, say your open to a relationship with her. But let her make the first move some of the initial effort. Judge her on how she acts now if she seems to have changed is open and not insulting to you then work on the relationship see where you can get to before kids complicate things.

If it's just lip service so she is in the loop when you have kids you will soon seen and you can make decisions with the full information. As pp said if you cut her off now without a second try you will always be the bad guy if you give her a second try and she mucks it up then I don't see how anyone can say that's not on her!

Blondebakingmumma · 06/12/2019 06:45

This is only going to get worse when you have kids. I wouldn’t want her in my kids lives if I were in your shoes

ElectricMistofelees · 06/12/2019 06:52

my case) it fed the drama, as did NC. Turns out that by not being remotely bothered by any of the games I was much more effective in ending them. It’s very hard to play if one of you won’t engage! Admittedly might not work in all situations.

PrettyPurse · 06/12/2019 06:53

I agree about giving her a second chance...but definitely not a third!!

As PP said, if you don't you'll always be wondering if it could have worked... and will be know as the bad DIL.


Be alert and let her do the running. Don't put up with any nastiness especially if she does it when DP isn't present

ElectricMistofelees · 06/12/2019 06:55

Apologies, I thought the first half of my post had sent by mistake So I continued it! I started by saying that I found indifference a much more effective way of dealing with this. When the games started I gave off a vibe of “I’m so busy living my life/having fun with him/being well-adjusted that I barely gave your need to eat ready meals a second thought!” I didn’t engage with the games as (in my case.....)

CalmdownJanet · 06/12/2019 07:01

I don't think you need to go from zero to reconciliation at all. If you wanted you could go from zero to "I don't like you but i'll thaw a little and be civil when I have to but I won't be visiting and we won't be besties since you've treated me like shit and are only really interested in the future contents of my womb" - so a happy medium Wink

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