To reconcile with MIL?

[Micr0pig]

I have posted about my MIL before on a different username and received some wonderful MN advice. To give some background, I have been with DP for 5 years and have been NC with MIL for over a year. This stemmed from a time with her staying at ours while work was being done on her house, and it was the first time she had really been fully immersed in our day to day lives as a couple. Seeing us doing nice, kind, caring things for each other really brought out the green eyed monster in her and she became more extreme in marking her territory around her son and making sure I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own home. Examples...

• She would be incredibly jealous of me making nice dinners for DP (I absolutely love cooking and he makes it v clear that he loves the meals I cook! MIL refused to eat any food I cooked while she stayed and ate ready meals instead, despite me always offering to cook for her).
  

• Constantly making DP special lunches to take to work with little notes in his sandwich box, or buying snacks that are his favorites from when he was a child, all while saying she knows his preferences best because she is his mum after all
  

• Completely ignoring me all day, not responding when I knocked on her door, not responding when asked if she wanted a cup of tea, and not coming out of her room the entire day except to dart to the bathroom and back
  

• She would become visibly irritated if DP greeted me first when he came home from work. If he arrived home and gave me a hug first instead of her, she would become snappy, shrug him off and go to her room in a huff.
  

• When DP approached her about how she kept being nasty to me and it was making me uncomfortable in my own home, they ended up having a huge blazing row which ended when she called him the c-word and stormed off to her room. After this he asked her to move out and their relationship was very rocky for a few months afterwards.
  

Before she moved out she apologised to me and I thought everything would be okay following that, but when I tried to contact her afterwards she has deleted me off everything and hasn't now spoken to me for 18 months.

My DP is very supportive of me and he will stand up to her, he knows she is in the wrong and can be a very nasty person, however he has a lot of guilt/obligation towards her as FIL is not on the scene so she relies on him quite a bit. He knows she is unreasonable, but she has fragile physical and mental health and no other family so he doesn't want to push the issue too often as it causes further arguments between them.

However... MIL has recently started to mention to DP that she's realising we are serious and I'm in his life and not going anywhere, and that she will need to have a relationship with me so that she can see her future GC (which will hopefully be coming along in the next few years!)

AIBU to feel like she is only considering reconciling with me to benefit herself so she can have a relationship with my future kids? Should I do it anyway and just let the past be forgotten so to keep the peace?

[Cmagic7]

Wow, she sounds like really hard work. But I think often it's not an easy relationship to navigate. My relationship was rocky with my MIL at the beginning, but now (after nearly 20 years) is great! It took us getting to know each other as people and building our own relationship to improve things. I think for everyone's sake she deserves a second chance, but if she continues to disrespect you, you're well within your rights not to see her.

[PrettyPurse]

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe @Micr0pig l think the difference in these situations is that @Micr0pig MIL is being nasty with it. And it's THAT that needs to change.

We can gain an insight as to why she is like it thanks to @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe post .... but MIL is being bitter and nasty.... and THAT shouldn't be excepted no matter what the cause is

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Dry your tears @Marylou62! go and have fun! All part of lifes rich tapestry I guess lol x

[Marylou62]

Bloody Hell Sally..you just made me cry..Summing up every thing I feel..Empty Nest Syndrome explained brilliantly..I'm feeling just like you..All I ever wanted was to be a mum and whilst I still am a Mum....it's hard
Funnily I'm off for breakfast with DD and Son IL..life is just so different now..OP..sorry to derail..will catch up later..I'm being nagged..They're hungover and hungry and I'm paying!!

[cptartapp]

Nope, I wouldn't forgive that. She's made her bed. Actions have consequences.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Hi Micropig....To answer your question in short no!!! There is nothing that anyone could do . I am so very lucky to have s fine son in law (no DIL for me!!!) who is kind and charming and funny and just al round super lovely.He is a teacher and oh I cannot tell you how full of life he is.They are a great match my two boys! They do the most wonderful things like to involve me in their lives and it seems they are genuinely happy for me to be involved to a degree.I often get a call to say we are going to see a film or a play do you want to come? They drop by together and seperately when they are passing just to call for a cuppa or even if they randomley fancy home made chips! My home is an extension of theirs and I am so pleased they think like that.They called last week just out of the blue to say come on get your lippy on we are all off for afternoon tea! That was fabulous and for no reason at all with no planning it made it really special.Just off the cuff things like that are great..we had a lovely afternoon.In fact my son often rings and says something like I have lost XXXX I dont know where he is I think he must be stuck in a meeting as his phone is off...and I can giggle cos I say I know where he is ..he is sat right here eating a cake! So it is lovely all round.The problem isnt with these two kind generous funny lovely men whom I love dearly and them likewise with me ..the problem is me...its me transitioning from a full on mum to a I am not sure how to put it..its like I am learning to not have to live by the rules I led my life by for so many years...Its like theres no washing and ironing anymore to be done ,no lifts needed,no living my life to be there for someone else ccos I am just not needed like that anymore....its about me transitioning to being me again ..back before my son even existed! When you have kids everything you do is centered around them and the purpose in life becomes them and bringing them up and creating the best life and chances for them and them its like your redundant! They dont need you anymore and they are off living and doing everything you ever wanted them to and it makes your heart sing it truly does but then its kind of well what about me? What do I do now and thats the bit that is hard.It really is nothing you are doing its an internal battle of finding your feet again on you own.Doing things for me without having anyone else to consider is weird!!! There were days when my son was a teenager or even smaller when I would literally sell my soul for a bit of peace and quiet and to not have to run around to this club and that club or be swamped under a mass of off dirty rugby kits and a messy house but when thats gone I lost my purpose. My job went when he did!! and it made me feel lost. He just didnt need me anymore like he did.However I am lucky and feel incredibly blessed that they might not need me but they still want me! Like I said I just think your MIL could be struggling as I was and still am some days in finding a new purpose and there really is not much you could do about that...hopefully she will find a way through.I am I think!!! I too havent transitioned into grandma mode and I am not sure the boys will have children but they may I don;t know. I think the fact that you are considering your MIL shows that you are a lovely person who truly does care despite all the heartache she is bringing! However like me she has no right to dictate your life and she should be proud of you all.I hope she can find a way to adjust.She has like me gained so much if only she could see it.I thought I had lost my son but i didnt I gained another! It just takes time to adjust to a different relationship on different terms.It seems to me like me she is working her way through..just hope she can find herself and love you all and be apart of something even more special....Not 100 % perfect here but well on the way to getting there ....I think!! It really honestly isnt you it is her and her issues ...the same as it was with me.No way are you responsible ...pretty sure she will figure it out.Best wishes sent to all of you and I hope you all have happier days to come ..together.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

It doesn't sound like she has any awareness that her behaviour was wrong, is that right? It all sounds a bit "I still think that Micropig is a twat, but I'll be nice to her in case she stops me from playing Granny".

that doesn't mean there is no hope, but I agree with pp that it needs to be done slowly. This sort of thing has happened in my family and it was just an excuse to pretend that nothing had ever been wrong and nobody had ever behaved badly. Because nothing was ever really resolved, everyone fell back into their old patterns.

[Micr0pig]

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe - I second what SeaEagleFeather said, what a lovely post, and genuinely so helpful to hear it from the other side! Thank you!

I think you've hit the nail on the head with how she is feeling very similar to you but not good at handling her feelings. I'd like to have a good relationship with her - my parents live far away so I would like to have some support from family when I do have kids, and when my MIL is at her best she is kind and maternal and caring, and would be a wonderful GM, but it's a shame we don't get that side of her 100% of the time. It must be very difficult going from being a mum and primary caregiver with kids that rely on you all the time, to having grown up kids and not yet taking on the role of grandma. It's a weird transitional period and I think she is struggling to know what her role is at the moment.

If you don't mind me asking about your DIL - is there anything she could be doing to make you feel more comfortable and reassure you that you do still have a role in your sons life? (which you do, please don't think you don't! If your son is anything like my DP, he absolutely adores his mum, despite everything, and would do absolutely anything to make sure she is happy!)

[Aquamarine1029]

You can try again, but be aware she's a viper in the grass by nature. The odds of her changing are very, very slim. If she kicks off again, I hope you're wise enough to go nc permanently.

[SeaEagleFeather]

Sally that's a lovely post

OP I'd give her another chance and keep it civil, but keep my wits about me.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Just to say OP from another perspective..her behaviour was horrendous towards you and she was very silly but omg it is so hard to watch your grown up kids be independant! I am not excusing her behaviour at all but as a mum of a nearly 30 something its an odd place I find myself in.He has a partner and a flat and a fabulous job and lifestyle..everything in fact I always dreamed he would have and I am so so proud of him and happy for him but there is this other part that creeps in my brain and where it comes from I have no clue but I do get a bit jealous and a bit lost so to speak.It is completely irrational but you work all your life for the best for your kids and for them to flourish and when they do and your job is done its kind of hard to see...it is so messed up!! I questioned where I fit in and where I belonged and was I useful anymore ..of course I am I know that..nothing has changed there I am his mum and will always be and we both love each other dearly and are very respectful of each other.I now have to stand back a bit and hand him over to someone else! and let me tell you it is odd! He is a successful adult with a lovely partner and they are really happy and settled and I am glad.They have the world at their feet and I am proud of where we are and what we achieved together and I cannot wait to see how their lives unfold and where they go and the things they do...its odd and its weird and it is completely unjustified how I sometimes feel.I asked my son if was sometimes a bit pushy and you know over the top and he said I wasnt and he had never seen anything in my behaviour or attitude that was any different.It is my issue alone..the pride I have in him and his partner yet sometimes just sometimes I still see that little boy of mine and I struggle to identify my place in his life now and the value I bring.It makes no sense at all and I try to hide it ...maybe just maybe your MIL is a bit like this too but cannot hide as well?! It is a mum thing! If you can I would try to be generous and try one last time.If it doesnt work then you can leave it knowing you tried your best.As for me I will continue to give my head a wobble in private and continue to watch my son grow,flourish and find his way in life with great excitement and keep my trying to be the best mum I can! It is hard to let go though sometimes but its my issue and mine to deal with quietly,,just dont think I am ready to let go yet!!!! I love both of them and I am genuinely happy they have each other and their life together though,seeing them happy makes me very happy and I do on the whole think well done me job well done ..my time now but oh those odd times....just maybe your MIL is the same and not handling it so well or hiding it so well? I dunno hope this ramble makes sense! I am happy to not number one anymore on the whole ...exactly how it should be...most of the time!!!!

[potter5]

If you love your children you don't call them a C*.
If it were me I would try again for the sake of DP. If she behaves the same then you have your answer!

[Micr0pig]

Thank you all so much everyone! I posted this before bed and didn't expect to wake up to so many helpful replies

I think what many of you have said about just letting her in slowly, but keeping firm boundaries in place would maybe be the best option...

@lyralalala @PrettyPurse & @itswinetime (love the name btw!!) - you're completely right that if I don't give her a second chance I will forever be the bad guy in DPs eyes and I don't want him to resent me for that in the future.

@Hepsibar completely I don't think dementia, but she does have mental health issues with anxiety, depression & anger, so I've always tried my best to be a bit more lenient with her and remember that these are affecting her behaviour.

Historically we didn't actually see her that much. DP is always in contact with her via text/calls but in terms of actually seeing her it was mainly sunday roasts every few weeks, or special occasion dinners out for birthdays, etc, so I'm hoping once DC come along we could go back to a similar sort of thing, once every 4-6 weeks maybe... Or am I being naive thinking she won't want to come round and see her GC every day?! I guess they are the sort of boundaries I'd need to establish before they come along!

[Brimful]

Do you think she has the onset of dementia?



Yikes, OP. Keep it as it is, and remind yourself this is her doing, not yours.

[Aria2015]

Very tricky. On one hand, if your dh still has contact and you don't, when you do have kids a situation could be created where he wants (or feels obliged) to take the child to see her without you which you probably won't feel comfortable with. If that's something that could happen then I'd maybe try giving her another chance but make it clear how much she's hurt your feelings in the past with her behaviour and that you need her to be civil and make an effort if you're to reconnect on any level moving forward. The thing is, you can always see how it goes and if she doesn't appear to have changed her ways, then go NC again. She'll also know this. If you've gone NC in the past, she'll know you can do it again so that might spur her on to treat you the way you deserve. I think if you do choose to give her a second chance, then it should also be her last chance. Loving together was obviously a unique situation and not one (I assume) you'd be on again so perhaps she can manage to contain her feelings of jealousy / resentment better if she were to see you in small bursts. She's had quite a bit of time to reflect on her awful behaviour. Hopefully she's had time to take accountability for it and wants to do better.

[lanthanum]

Give her the second chance now, before there are any kids. If you can see she's really trying to do things differently, hopefully there's enough time to get a good relationship established before kids come along. If they do, get in with some ground rules from the start.
If nothing really changes, then you will feel more confident in decisions when it comes to her contact with any children, rather than wondering if you should give her a second chance then.

[Hepsibar]

What a terror she is. I feel for your partner knowing what a horror she is but it being his mother cant help feeling he should be there. You are in an impossible situation and well done him for having the backbone to stand up for you.

I think she wont change. How you all decide to handle this will take some time. Will you have her over say monthly or go out where she might behave better or go over to her house where she may feel in control but you can leave (whereas at yours more difficult to get her to leave).

Do you think she has the onset of dementia?

[CalmdownJanet]

I don't think you need to go from zero to reconciliation at all. If you wanted you could go from zero to "I don't like you but i'll thaw a little and be civil when I have to but I won't be visiting and we won't be besties since you've treated me like shit and are only really interested in the future contents of my womb" - so a happy medium

[ElectricMistofelees]

Apologies, I thought the first half of my post had sent by mistake So I continued it! I started by saying that I found indifference a much more effective way of dealing with this. When the games started I gave off a vibe of “I’m so busy living my life/having fun with him/being well-adjusted that I barely gave your need to eat ready meals a second thought!” I didn’t engage with the games as (in my case.....)

[PrettyPurse]

I agree about giving her a second chance...but definitely not a third!!

As PP said, if you don't you'll always be wondering if it could have worked... and will be know as the bad DIL.

But

Be alert and let her do the running. Don't put up with any nastiness especially if she does it when DP isn't present

[ElectricMistofelees]

my case) it fed the drama, as did NC. Turns out that by not being remotely bothered by any of the games I was much more effective in ending them. It’s very hard to play if one of you won’t engage! Admittedly might not work in all situations.

[Blondebakingmumma]

This is only going to get worse when you have kids. I wouldn’t want her in my kids lives if I were in your shoes

[itswinetime]

I think at the moment you don't have kids so I would use this time as a test, say your open to a relationship with her. But let her make the first move some of the initial effort. Judge her on how she acts now if she seems to have changed is open and not insulting to you then work on the relationship see where you can get to before kids complicate things.

If it's just lip service so she is in the loop when you have kids you will soon seen and you can make decisions with the full information. As pp said if you cut her off now without a second try you will always be the bad guy if you give her a second try and she mucks it up then I don't see how anyone can say that's not on her!

[PenelopeFlintstone]

I voted YANBU, meaning You should reconcile. That was right, wasn’t it?

[Jokie]

Nope. No chance. No way. Not going to happen.

She's shown you exactly who she is, believe it. It's only going to get worse when you have children.