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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not throw a birthday party for my 4 year old

40 replies

TryingThisOut · 05/12/2019 19:51

My DC is going to be 4. He has been to lots of friend's parties but so far all of his own birthday parties have been with his family (us, aunts, uncles, grandparents), which he has really enjoyed.

He has lots of friends and is very sociable and confident at preschool but does not seem to enjoy big parties that much. When we take him to friend's parties he gets a bit overwhelmed, and finds the new setting and all the adults daunting. He has recently just started to enjoy the smaller ones a bit more. But it's still a bit hit and miss as to whether he will join in the activities.

In all honesty, I think he would be more happy with a special day out with us, or party with his family. He is still (just) at that stage where he prefers our company to his friends. But I keep thinking that I am letting him down a bit by not organising a "friend's party" for him.

Although part of me also thinks that these things seem to start way too young. It seems like most parties result in the kids getting a bit overstimulated, eating too much sugar, and it probably raises expectations for the future. I also feel like there are so many other better ways to celebrate him, that are more about him, rather than about entertaining lots of guests.

Opinions please as to whether you think I would be unreasonable not to throw him a party? Also, in your honest opinion, what do you think they really get out of it at this age?

I don't mind actually organising a party and have organised lots of parties and events prior to having DC, but so far, no kids ones. I'm just not convinced it is what he wants or needs yet.

OP posts:

f00k · 05/12/2019 19:54

YANBU. Do what suits your DC and if you think he'd prefer a day with family then do that. DS didn't have a party until he was 7. We did family days out before that and just didn't have the money for a party to be quite honest. He loved it but it's not something we have/would do every year.

Leeds2 · 05/12/2019 19:55

I think DD (now 21) had her first friends' party in Year 1, so for her sixth birthday. I don't think YABU, unless DS has specifically asked if he can celebrate with friends.

Embracelife · 05/12/2019 19:55

Do what he would enjoy

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/12/2019 19:58

YANBU. I didn't do birthday parties for anyone but family until my DC were 6 or 7. Under that age a special tea with GPs was much enjoyed.

JoPublic · 05/12/2019 20:01

YANBU unless he wants a party and you've said no. I feel like a lot of parties for littlies seem to have quite a lot of keeping up with the Joneses about them more than being for the kids. Just do whatever you think he will enjoy most.

changedtempforprivacy · 05/12/2019 20:07

I think if you have no intention of reciprocating you shouldn't be accepting the hospitality of the other parents and attending the parties they have gone to the effort and cost if arranging. Different if you couldn't afford it, but you can.

IHateBlueLights · 05/12/2019 20:08

If he's invited to the parties of others it's only good manner to recipricate, surely? Quite rude not to, I'd say.

ParkheadParadise · 05/12/2019 20:08

Dd is 4 today. We went to a Santa winter wonderland earlier today, with one little friend from nursery. On Saturday were having a Party at soft play for (20) kids.
Dd has been to a lot of parties in the last year.
I'm sure your DS will have great time, whatever you decide.

soupmaker · 05/12/2019 20:11

Do not get guilted into throwing a party because he's attended ones he's been invited to. Honestly that's just ridiculous. Do what your DS wants to do. Plenty of years ahead to throw parties. There is a lot of competitive party throwing by parents IMO, do not get sucked in.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:12

If he's invited to the parties of others it's only good manner to recipricate, surely? Quite rude not to, I'd say.
What??
So if you have no intention of getting married then you've never accepted an invite to a wedding? Or if you won't be having a Christening you've never gone to one for a family members child? If you dint want a baby shower yourself you'd refuse to go to your friends??

Stompythedinosaur · 05/12/2019 20:14

If it is what he would prefer then of course it isn't unreasonable.

If he would like a party.then it seems a shame not to do one, even if it is having a couple of friends to play for an hour.

Original poster

TryingThisOut · 05/12/2019 20:16

Thanks for most of the comments! Really helpful actually and very reassuring.

I don't understand the two comments about reciprocating! Surely people don't hold parties for their kids and invite other children on the condition that they have to throw a party in return and reciprocate!

I could understand this if we were having a party but not inviting them, that would be rude. But surely it is not rude to not hold a party for our child who may not enjoy a party, just to reciprocate others! And tbh, I was not sure if we would be throwing one or not, hence the reason for this AIBU!

I mean, I have had lots of birthday parties for myself, with lots of guests there. But lots of my friends never throw parties for themselves as they hate being centre of attention. Does it make my guests rude for not holding parties of their own, just so they can invite me along!? Of course not!

OP posts:

PlanetMJ · 05/12/2019 20:19

My DS was much the same. Loved the idea of birthdays and liked playing pretend party with toy cake but found big parties too much. He would just want to sit on my knee rather than joining in.

I just did a little tea party and invited a couple of friends with similar aged children, so about four children in total for some party food and pass the parcel. More of a glorified play really. Not as overwhelming as a big do but still enough that he could call it his birthday party with his friends.

Saved money on party bags. Cheese board, glass of wine and a gossip with the other mum's while the kids played. He seemed very happy and it eased him into the idea of bigger parties when he started school. We also did a family party too.

Original poster

TryingThisOut · 05/12/2019 20:20

I think he would probably not care about having a party with friends yet. He certainly has not asked for one. He doesn't even ask for or expect presents yet.

Like I said, he still really enjoys time with his family. I think it is more mum guilt that is making me feel like I should do something. But I sort of know that is a bit silly.

OP posts:

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 05/12/2019 20:21

Our DD has had one proper party, when she was 5 as it was the last year at her nursery before they all moved up to primary school. Before that we had family gatherings. I actually can't remember what we did for her birthday last year...she attends other parties if there are no other plans that day. She still has loads of friends and doesn't seem too bothered about having her own party.

Elbeagle · 05/12/2019 20:22

Of course if he’d rather not have a party and wouldn’t enjoy it then YANBU not to have one. When mine were 4 they were desperate for a party, and talked about it for months beforehand. They’re 6 and 4 now and parties are a major topic of conversation in general (we do go to a lot, they have 3 this weekend!). So it depends on the child, some get a lot out of it. But you know your child and if you think he’d rather not then don’t!

Kungfupanda67 · 05/12/2019 20:24

@TryingThisOut you’re right, no one holds a party in the hope their child will be invited to others 🙄 even if your child has been invited don’t fall into the trap of having to invite everyone whose parties he has been to, friendships change a lot when they’re young, and there will be lots of class parties at school so if you invite everyone who’s invited your son he won’t be able choose many of his actual friends if you’re doing a smaller 10 child party of whatever.

The politics of kids parties aren’t, in my experience anyway, as complicated as people on here make out. Parents largely don’t care 🤷‍♀️

Louise91417 · 05/12/2019 20:30

I think parties at this age are far too overwelming for little ones..time enough when they are 7/8. One special friend and a treat to mcdonalds is more than enough at 4 and if your little one is happy with just family i wouldnt even bother with the treat. I had 2 parties for my dd (now 15) and found them just un-neccessary expence so changed to taking 3/4 close friends bowling/ cinema. A lot cheaper and less stressful..

Starlight456 · 05/12/2019 20:30

My Ds had a friend who didn’t like big parties in reception. . He had a few mates at soft play after school . No cake , happy birthday sang . It was what he enjoyed.

Elbeagle · 05/12/2019 20:34

I think parties at this age are far too overwelming for little ones..time enough when they are 7/8. One special friend and a treat to mcdonalds is more than enough at 4

Overwhelming for some children, mine didn’t find them overwhelming at that age at all. They’re all different!

Bluerussian · 05/12/2019 20:36

Not at all unreasonable. When you do eventually branch out a bit, go to a child friendly restaurant for a meal or something like that, with just a few other children and the family.

Butterfly02 · 05/12/2019 20:50

Do what he wants /finds more enjoyable.
Ds1never had a birthday party with friends (his choice) he had always preferred a family outing /meal.
Dt were in reception when they asked for a party. They haven't had/wanted one every year - the last two years they've wanted separate events dt1 a party, dt2 prefers a family outing /meal or friends over for tea.
All 3 have still been invited for parties /gone to friends its not been detrimental for them.

likeafishneedsabike · 05/12/2019 21:15

The only time mine have been overwhelmed is when the parties have been shite. Maybe you have been unlucky enough to go to lots of shite ones so far?? To me, a shite party for a child is where the parents have hired a space and rustled up some food, but haven’t given any thought to what the kids might actually DO for 2 hours. A bouncy castle doesn’t give 2 hours of entertainment to 30 children, sadly. If there’s been an entertainer/disco etc it’s always been great. Soft play parties are also a major hit, but much better with exclusive use rather than the general mayhem of an indoor play.
He’s very young and not at school yet. Reception, Y1 and Y2 are the peak party years.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/12/2019 21:29

We've never really done the huge 'birthday party' thing. We had a tea party for friends when the DSs were small, now that they're teens it has moved on to sleepover parties in the summerhouse.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/12/2019 21:31

We've never really done the huge 'birthday party' thing. We had a tea party for friends when the DSs were small, now that they're teens it has moved on to sleepover parties in the summerhouse.

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