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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not throw a birthday party for my 4 year old

40 replies

TryingThisOut · 05/12/2019 19:51

My DC is going to be 4. He has been to lots of friend's parties but so far all of his own birthday parties have been with his family (us, aunts, uncles, grandparents), which he has really enjoyed.

He has lots of friends and is very sociable and confident at preschool but does not seem to enjoy big parties that much. When we take him to friend's parties he gets a bit overwhelmed, and finds the new setting and all the adults daunting. He has recently just started to enjoy the smaller ones a bit more. But it's still a bit hit and miss as to whether he will join in the activities.

In all honesty, I think he would be more happy with a special day out with us, or party with his family. He is still (just) at that stage where he prefers our company to his friends. But I keep thinking that I am letting him down a bit by not organising a "friend's party" for him.

Although part of me also thinks that these things seem to start way too young. It seems like most parties result in the kids getting a bit overstimulated, eating too much sugar, and it probably raises expectations for the future. I also feel like there are so many other better ways to celebrate him, that are more about him, rather than about entertaining lots of guests.

Opinions please as to whether you think I would be unreasonable not to throw him a party? Also, in your honest opinion, what do you think they really get out of it at this age?

I don't mind actually organising a party and have organised lots of parties and events prior to having DC, but so far, no kids ones. I'm just not convinced it is what he wants or needs yet.

OP posts:

Cremebrule · 05/12/2019 21:34

It depends on the child and the norms in your area. It seems like small parties start from 3 at pre-school here before scaling up to all-class mega parties in reception. My 3 year old was very firm in her ideas of what she wanted to do for her 3rd. I don’t know where it came from really but she was asking for months before hand, knew what cake she wanted etc. You know your child so don’t feel pressured if you don’t think he’d enjoy it.

ViewsAreMine · 05/12/2019 21:36

*I think if you have no intention of reciprocating you shouldn't be accepting the hospitality of the other parents and attending the parties they have gone to the effort and cost if arranging. Different if you couldn't afford it, but you can.

Sorry. Utter nonsense!! When you invite someone to a party, do so without a hidden agenda.*

ViewsAreMine · 05/12/2019 21:38

And to answer your question, YANBU. Save yourself the hassle and expense and do it with family. If he's not keen on such gatherings, it won't be worth it.

partysong · 05/12/2019 21:50

Have you asked him? Might save you the mum guilt (my nearly 3 year old DS was easily able to tell me he wanted a family day and not a party)

Normandy144 · 05/12/2019 22:04

YANBU. My DD will be 4 in the new year. She's at preschool and is starting in the last yeat to get invited to parties but not many. They're not that common for 3/4 year olds. We have always stuck to the same plan for both our children. Birthdays 1 to 3 are family tea parties with grandparents and aunts and uncles etc. Then for 4th birthday they still have a family tea party plus are allowed to invite a handful of friends for a party tea at home. We also do a day out somewhere.

Their 5th party is the one when they get to invite the whole class.

I couldn't care less whether an invitation is reciprocated or not. The decision to hold the party is down to the parents and they should do so without expecting return invites. It becomes quite mercenary otherwise.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/12/2019 22:08

Yanbu.

DS is turning 3. All my friends have been having a full on party for their children every year from birth. It's been clear in most cases, the party is for the grownups!

We have not done this. DS didnt care as a baby. Ive asked him what he wants for his birthday celebration this year, he wants the two cousins close to him in age whom he plays with loads, to come for tea & cake.

He can have a party when he really wants one!

nicky7654 · 05/12/2019 22:39

There is no right or wrong way. Do what you think is best. When mine were young I let them take a few friends to the park and I would take a picnic. There would only be about 6 or 7 children in total and it was lovely. I myself growing up only had a few friends over tea and never had a big party. It's your choice and choose what is best for you.

nicky7654 · 05/12/2019 22:43

@changedtempforprivacy

Just wow!!!! What a terrible attitude!!!

Foldinthecheese · 05/12/2019 23:00

My twins turned four recently and we had a party at a small soft play in a garden centre. There were 13 children in total, which felt about right for the age. But they were keen to have a party and had been talking about it for months. My friend’s has a little boy who is quite anxious and said he didn’t want a party, but then that he did, but was afraid he wouldn’t like it. In the end, she arranged to do an activity and lunch with just my children, so he was still able to celebrate with friends, but without the pressure of a party.

Saying that, if your DS isn’t indicating that he wants one, there’s no harm in leaving it another year or two. There are lots of other lovely ways to celebrate. Save yourself the time, money and stress while you still can!

MAFIL · 05/12/2019 23:19

I've not done very many parties. We have always tended to have days out with the family and one or two special friends. My DD wanted a party in the house once, when she was 10 or 11, and we've done a couple of parties at venues like the local climbing wall, again in the tweens/ early teens, but I didn't do parties for any of mine when they were little. Oh, I tell a lie, my eldest had a party at a soft play place for their 5th or 6th birthday . It was a disaster. I think I might have posted about it in the past ( maybe using a different name) but I won't go into it again as I am still too traumatised.
But I haven't been disowned by any of my kids yet, and none of them has ever felt they missed out by not having many parties. Lots of people enjoy these events but plenty don't. It can all get a bit competitive sometimes and I think it is a shame when parents feel obliged to hold parties just because everyone else does. It is absolutely fine to do something different if it works better for your family. Do your own thing, and have a good time.

Daphine2004 · 06/12/2019 05:13

YANBU. I felt the same, especially as there was a party pretty much every other weekend. When DS was 2 he had three friends for a play date with a picnic and cake - we were friends with their parents, but other than that it’s been a family day with DH and me, followed by a birthday tea with nana and his aunts.

We’ve always said when he asks for a party we do one. He turns five in March and has told us that he has invited all of his friends to his house for a party, CBeebies land (that’s our annual family day!) and trampolining. Think I need to have a chat about reasonable expectations! 😂😂

Don’t be caught up in what others do, particularly if your son doesn’t like big parties.

changedtempforprivacy · 13/12/2019 02:47

I stand by what I said, don't accept invitations you do not intend to reciprocate. My 4 year old dd knows that if she attends someone's birthday party she is obliged to invite them to hers. It is to reciprocate their hospitality. I do not accept invitations from families I would not invite into my home for the same reason.
Yes, I do host parties for my child - Easter, Christmas, Halloween, Diwali and her birthday, and it's a lot of work. I do it to teach her to celebrate these occasions and to teach her to be a hostess. It annoys me when certain families are very happy to accept our hospitality but not return it, when they have the means to do so. That is not the sort of friendship I am looking for.

MonsterKidz · 13/12/2019 03:35

Absolutely do what suits you and your DS. Plan what he will enjoy.

My two DC have had big invite all the class type parties and also not some years. I don’t think they need a big party every year or at every age.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 13/12/2019 03:56

We do parties on odd years and a family day out on even. (My youngest isn’t interested in a party)
But by party I mean a backyard party with a few games, homemade cake, vague theme, balloons, homemade decorations and freeplay (when younger it was just with her cousins.)
So the sort of parties I had as a kid in the 80’s.

This year Dd1 (turning 6) wants to go to a science museum and lunch at the fishmarkets and dd2 (Turning 3) wants to eat hot chips & cupcakes in the park and ride her scooter.

Starlight456 · 14/12/2019 20:44

@changedtempforprivacy

Do you apply this same principle to those who can’t afford a party .

Not all children like a big party, mine is high school but would be really sad for children who didn’t come because they didn’t want/ weren’t having a party.

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