Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'I haven't heard from you in ages'....AIBU?

49 replies

housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 12:35

Historically I have been the one that over invests in my friendship groups. I text, phone, offer help, take interest in my friend's lives, know their dc's birth dates, feel genuinely very happy for them when good things happen etc etc. To me that is normal. Events happened last year and I realized that it is me every time who initiates things and I consciously took a step back - so I would text/email/send a card for an occasion, but not be in contact as regularly as before. It hit me quite hard to realize that I was more of friend to them than the other way around, but hey, these things happen and it made me aware that going forward I will be careful about who to invest time/emotions in.

Last night I got a text from a friend who I supported a lot last year. I haven't heard anything from her in 9 months. When I replied to her text she replied with 'so good to hear your voice, I haven't heard from you in ages' and went on to insinuate that I was not being a good friend. This isn't the first person either, it has happened a few times, where I am made to feel bad as if I'm not being a good friend, even though they have phones, are able to text/email/phone but just don't bother.

So AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Everyone has problems and issues of their own to deal with, I don't think that I'm needy or over-expectant on others. Is this just me or is this something that others experience too?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/12/2019 12:37

Yanbu

Batqueen · 05/12/2019 12:40

‘Luckily phones work two ways though so it’s nice that you are now getting in touch!’

Woollycardi · 05/12/2019 12:46

Yep. You stepped back, looked at it for how it was, put some boundaries in place and now you're having some kick back. That sounds completely normal. Doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing.

Faith50 · 05/12/2019 12:47

YANBU. It can be painful when we take a step back from friendships and realise we are the ones keeping them going. It is better to learn this at some point rather than deceiving yourself.

I too over invested - not in a clingy or needy way but I always pursued meeting up or checking in with them. I have reassessed and backed off from a few friendships after going through a difficult phase in life and noticed very few asked how I was, how I was coping, if I needed any support.

This quote as always stuck with me:
"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option".

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/12/2019 12:49

YANBU. I have a theory that in almost all relationships one person gives more than the other; it can change and adapt, and it can be a constant shift (there have definitely been times I've put more into our marriage than DH has, and vice versa) but the balance is never quite 50/50. And with friendships this is frequent.

You're entitled to not give so much if the other person isn't picking up the slack, and you're entitled to let friendships drift if they're not cheering for you the way you'll cheer for them. Life is too short to give everything away to people who don't treasure your parts.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/12/2019 12:50

YANBU, what did you say to her when she said that? I hope you made her aware that she'd also not been in contact

Jeezoh · 05/12/2019 12:52

I hope you replied along the lines of “I haven’t heard from you either”. I’ve had a few friendships where it’s felt one-sided and I’ve gently withdrawn, it’s not good for your self esteem to feel like you’re the only one keeping a relationship going.

calmama · 05/12/2019 13:00

YANBU I have this problem too and have also taken a step back. I’ll never forget the friend who had a go at me for not being in touch for ages then became genuinely lost for words when I asked why he hadn’t been in touch with me. Stood there blinking and stuttering before trying to make a joke of it. “Because it’s your job to call me!” Err, okay.

Sounds like it’s time for a friendship cull. It’s sad, but like anything quality trumps quantity every time. Flowers

Faith50 · 05/12/2019 13:02

It is interesting that friends are very much aware you do more of the running and are happy with this balance. They are required to do very little and it makes them feel special as you are always asking for their time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/12/2019 13:06

YANBU... I hope you said something, that wasn't kind of her.
Having said that, I am not v good at keeping up with friends sometimes, and I let them contact me because at least I know they really want to be in contact. I've had some painful experiences in the past with "friends" who either turned out to be CF P takers or which made me feel that I was doing all the running and it wasn't appreciated. Berevement has also caused me to not contact people as much. Just saying that there may be more too it than people not wanting to contact you. It's easier now with social media as a text or message seems much less intrusive and easier to do than bothering them with a catch up phonecall at what might be an inconvenient time. It's the one's who resolutely dont engage on any social media that I find harder to get in touch with for that reason.

StrawberrySquash · 05/12/2019 13:06

OTOH people may still want to spend time with you etc, but are just bad at getting in touch. If a friend emails/texts me who I haven't spoken to in a while I make sure I show my (genuine) enthusiasm to them. Just because you do the contact doesn't mean they don't value your friendship.

thecatsthecats · 05/12/2019 13:13

My sister is like this. In fact they both are.

I caught myself feeling guilty that my sister was complaining that I hadn't met their dog when in 10 years they have not once bothered to visit my home.

My other sister was complaining to me that my parents 'expected the visiting to all go one way'. 1) Actually, she kept going up there to arrange my nephew's christening, they were just happy to see her. 2) I tried to gently make exactly the same point that I've done all the running to see my nephew and not once have they reciprocated. Went sailing over her head.

In short - people suck, and absolutely do not feel guilty that you don't do all the running.

Abouttime1978 · 05/12/2019 13:15

I've had this too recently.

I have had a fairly rubbish 12 months and as a result haven't been in contact with some friends.

I realised on reflection that I am the designated "emotional support" for some of them, who are rather annoyed that I wasn't around to provide it when they fancied it (and without them having to make contact.

I would just say "sorry, life has been a bit hectic, but you know where I am - I hear phones work both ways these days Grin

Chunkers · 05/12/2019 13:18

YANBU - My personal ‘favourite’ is “Hello stranger”. It’s always said in an accusatory tone too. I try to just respond with “it’s lovely to see you”.

Macandcheeseplease · 05/12/2019 13:25

How did she insinuate you haven't been a good friend? I think her saying she's not heard from you for ages is fine - this is the sort of thing me and my friends say to one another and there's ever any blame assigned. It's just one of those things we say when, well, we haven't been in touch for a while.

HariboLecter · 05/12/2019 13:31

Luckily phones work two ways though had to say that to my Mum once, when she complained she'd not heard from me in a while Grin

VanyaHargreeves · 05/12/2019 13:37

YANBU I know exactly what you mean by this.

I'm sure my ex best friend tells anyone who cares to listen that I just don't care about her or her DC whilst neglecting to mention she never instigates contact.

NearlyGranny · 05/12/2019 13:40

"No, you haven't heard from me. I realised I was initiating all the contact between us so I stepped back to let you take your turn. It has taken you a while, hasn't it?!"

Original poster
housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 13:41

How did she insinuate you haven't been a good friend?

Because she went on to say I kept myself as a stranger Hmm Historically I haven't been good at replying in an appropriate way and usually apologize about not being in contact Blush Thankfully I have grown a bit of a back bone and won't stand for it any more, although yesterday's conversation threw me I must admit.

It is interesting that friends are very much aware you do more of the running and are happy with this balance. They are required to do very little and it makes them feel special as you are always asking for their time

This was part of my epiphany last year and my god it stung. It feels especially weird as the main 'culprit' is a lifelong friend in the sense that our dm's were and still are best friends too, so losing that friendship feels as if I've lost part of my childhood.

For those saying that maybe they are just crap at keeping in touch, it really isn't that. I could overlook that, people have stuff going on in life and things happen. This is more so-called friends wanting to take but not to give, and expecting me to give and getty arsey or snidey if for whatever reason I'm not texting them every few days.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 05/12/2019 13:54

I'm going against the grain here but I think people overplay this a bit. Yes, blatant piss-taking and total lack of initiative in friendships is shit and people who can't be arsed at all should probably be let go. But I think people can be very hardline about this and expect an "eye for an eye" approach to friendships and sometimes its not realistic.

Sometimes there are vast disparities in people's availability or resources (ie one friend working full time with kids, another unemployed and footloose), and it isn't realistic to expect the person with the far greater commitment load to act at parity as the person without the commitments.

Over the long term friendships ebb and flow and sometimes one person puts in more than another. It's life. If someone is totally non-responsive and can't be bothered its one thing. But expecting people to exactly match one another invite for invite, text for text is a bit childish I think.

I can't be sure but I don't get from what your friend said that she's having a go. She's just expressing that she hasn't seen you for a while and would like to see you. I think sometimes people need to calm down a bit about this sort of thing.

thatdamnwoman · 05/12/2019 13:55

My sister always complains that she doesn't see or hear enough of me, yet I'm here and available on the phone every day of the week if she wanted to speak to me. As it is, most of our contact is as a result of me calling her.

Don't imagine that remembering birthdays or being interested in others' lives makes you friends. Friendship is deeper and more relaxed than that. I have friends I don't speak to or communicate to for ages, but when we speak the connection is instantly there. I have no idea when their birthdays are, nor they mine, but we really like each other and have shared interests and concerns.

Hadalifeonce · 05/12/2019 13:58

I feel your pain, I have (had) some friends who are lovely people, but I realised I was the one who made all the effort. So I stopped; I haven't heard from s couple in about 10 years. Just goes to show I was a better friend to them than they were to me.

Oblomov19 · 05/12/2019 14:03

I know how you feel. It hurts doesn't it? The realisation?

Insideimsprinting · 05/12/2019 14:08

I was in your boat op and it stings. I kept it up for 10yrs and then cut my losses, it had enough of an effect on me that I since haven't had a close friend.
Now I still put effort in but if said effort isn't reciprocated then I back off. I don't want to be in a one sided friendship it takes effort from both sides to keep it up. Also I like to show I'm interested by instigation contact/conversation and its nice when friends to the same to you it's how you both feel valued as a friend. So when it doesn't happen it feels like they don't give enough of a shit about you and you've wasted all that effort for nothing.

thecatsthecats · 05/12/2019 14:09

@thepeopleversuswork

I get what you're saying and I agree to an extent, but I've seen the same dynamics play out over years and it is always the same people behaving in the same way regardless of their circumstances at the time.

For example, the sisters I mentioned up thread. My elder sister has twins. Of course it's easier for me to go to them... But now they're 10? Time to start reciprocating and stop wearing out my tyre rubber.

Three friends recently had babies at a similar time. The most reliable one is still the most reliable one (initiating and responding to chats), the flaky one still the flaky one (never initiates, late responses).

It gets to the point where you wonder how a friendship functions at all if one person can apparently go without it.