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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'I haven't heard from you in ages'....AIBU?

49 replies

housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 12:35

Historically I have been the one that over invests in my friendship groups. I text, phone, offer help, take interest in my friend's lives, know their dc's birth dates, feel genuinely very happy for them when good things happen etc etc. To me that is normal. Events happened last year and I realized that it is me every time who initiates things and I consciously took a step back - so I would text/email/send a card for an occasion, but not be in contact as regularly as before. It hit me quite hard to realize that I was more of friend to them than the other way around, but hey, these things happen and it made me aware that going forward I will be careful about who to invest time/emotions in.

Last night I got a text from a friend who I supported a lot last year. I haven't heard anything from her in 9 months. When I replied to her text she replied with 'so good to hear your voice, I haven't heard from you in ages' and went on to insinuate that I was not being a good friend. This isn't the first person either, it has happened a few times, where I am made to feel bad as if I'm not being a good friend, even though they have phones, are able to text/email/phone but just don't bother.

So AIBU to feel annoyed by this? Everyone has problems and issues of their own to deal with, I don't think that I'm needy or over-expectant on others. Is this just me or is this something that others experience too?

OP posts:

Dustarr73 · 05/12/2019 14:11

I was the same as you op.And sometimes when your memories from FB pop up.it makes it obvious i was doing all the running.

So i stepped back,they havent been in contact since and do you know what.Im ok.I know where i stand.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/12/2019 14:31

I'd just reply saying, 'I haven't heard from you either. I dare say you're incredibly busy, too.' Or words to that effect.

saraclara · 05/12/2019 14:32

I did the same. And now I see virtually no-one.

I'm not sure it was worth me making that stand, to be honest.

gamerchick · 05/12/2019 14:41

Luckily phones work two ways though so it’s nice that you are now getting in touch!’

I say a variation of this. Roads/lines/phones/ etc go both ways. I also say it when a friend who I havent spoken too for a while gets in touch and apologises for not being in touch.

Because friendships are a 2 way street.

sonjadog · 05/12/2019 14:41

I did this a few years back. I realized there were too many friends I did all the running for who did nothing for me. So I stopped and waited for people to get in touch with me. The majority did start making the effort and the friendships continued, but there were a couple who completely disappeared. One of them was someone who had a been a good friend and who I had spent a lot of time with. She never called me. I met her sister in town one day and she was really off with me that I hadn't been in touch with her sister. So obviously she had noticed and commented it with her family, but still, it never occurred to her to actually pick up the phone and message or call me. I don't really know why but I wonder if in her mind, I was worth slightly less than her and should always be the one to do the running.

Hazardexhausted · 05/12/2019 14:52

Yanbu but if this friend is important to you give her some time to adjust to your new boundaries. Its a bit unnerving when your used to someone behaving a certain way and they change with no explanation.

Nomorepies · 05/12/2019 14:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Frankola · 05/12/2019 14:58

I've had this happen to me from one person since I had my daughter 3 years ago. She literally dropped me and only bothered with meeting up or contact unless I initiated it.

Over time I have just left her to get on with it. I became emotionally drained from being the one doing all the running and when I realised I was never contacted by her I just stopped doing it.

I've met up with her a couple of times since and she literally tries her hardest to make me feel bad.

Once she accused me of "ditching her for my mum mates". I explained that those people messaged and called me to arrange stuff and she was welcome to do the same.

Then another time she threw a shady "long time no speak" into a text. I completely ignored it and she carried on until I responded "you're capable of texting too you know".

Not worth the hassle.

MummyofTw0 · 05/12/2019 15:02

I had this exact same situation

I was BEST friends with a girl, we used to see each other every week. I suddenly realised every meet up and text message was always led by me!

One day she organised a birthday night out, invited me, but then changed location and didn't invite me to the new location

I was really upset.
Decided to take a step back and let her make the first move.

About 6 years later, I haven't seen her and we aren't in communication at all

JaffaCakeGal · 05/12/2019 15:04

YANBU - I feel at times like the only time I ever see people is when I organise everything. Friends that I include on things I'm organising seem to organise things without me. So I stop organising. And then don't hear from them. I had someone flake out on my birthday night out, then I said oh I think I will just go out for a couple with DP instead she said (jokingly) "I hate that you have a bf as you never have time for me" erm but you bailed on me?!

peachesforfree · 05/12/2019 15:30

Out of interest, has anyone ever tried sending the 'two way street' text upfront (i.e. when making the decision to step back). Something like -

I'm sending this msg out to people I consider close friends and want to stay in contact with. I feel that recently I have been making all the effort to make plans, and for myself I wish to change my boundaries a little. I'd love to keep in touch but would appreciate if you sometimes took the iniative to arrange something with me going forwards."

I've never done this, but it strikes me there are a lot of ppl commenting feeling resentful that noone has subsequently contacted them, whereas the friends are probably thinking they have done something wrong or the person doesn't want to be in touch anymore.

eddielizzard · 05/12/2019 15:42

It's one of the tests of true friendship, when you find the balance of effort is all on you. Then you find out who is prepared to put time in. I find as I go through life I hold onto the really good ones, and lose lots of 'meh' friendships along the way. Because you need someone to value your time, and want to make an effort to spend time with you.

PennyBryn · 05/12/2019 15:45

It sounds like a lot of us have had similar epiphanies, I went through mine some time ago

My sincere advice is to continue learning what you need from your relationships. I have come to a place of being able to accept that many friends aren’t the type to take the initiative and get in touch but if what I do get from our relationship is valuable to me I accept it

The difficulty is when you realise that your don’t get anything at all from a certain person, in those cases letting go is sad but emotionally better for you

msmith501 · 05/12/2019 15:45

It's not so much that you are a better friend - although you clearly are - it's the expectations and overall laziness / carelessness of your friends that is the issue. They have got used to making all the effort and when you don't, they miss it. I am the same... total people pleaser! If I expected even 10% of reciprocal effort / unasked for help back... I'd be very old ... oh... I am! Some people are just slow to be decent!

Devereux1 · 05/12/2019 15:45

Because she went on to say I kept myself as a stranger

That's it? That's all she said which you have taken as criticism? I say this all the time to friends I have lost touch with a bit, and they to me. There's nothing horrible about it at all.

EntropyRising · 05/12/2019 15:53

Rather unusually, some clever text responses have been proposed on this thread (normally they're terrible).

My husband has a friend who does this and he complains about it quite a bit.

Original poster

housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 15:58

devereux1 that is just one example, I agree in isolation it's fine, but in hindsight there were constant low level digs and general feelings of I should be the one to do all of running. DS had a major, life changing planned surgery last year and it really horrified me how little a few of my friends - who I considered to be sisters and their DC my nieces/nephews - gave attention/interest to.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 05/12/2019 16:48

“ DS had a major, life changing planned surgery last year and it really horrified me how little a few of my friends - who I considered to be sisters and their DC my nieces/nephews - gave attention/interest to.”

OP I’m nit in your situation overall, but this bit struck me. When I was in accident and sustained a major injury, I learned who was just in my life for frivolous reason....while pretending they’d be around in a crisis.

Hedgehogparty · 05/12/2019 17:23

Realised some years back that I was always the one contacting a particular friend. Asked her to contact me the next time- never bothered.
Decided to stop, never heard from her until about 6 months later when I bumped into her in town.
Her response was “why haven’t you contacted me?!”

One way friendships are too much effort.

Faith50 · 05/12/2019 17:33

Some friends are great for nights out but few friends will regularly sit in with you when you are broke or recovering from an injury/illness.

Once people show you who they are and how little they value you, you have the choice to step back. No person, however fun/exciting they are, are worth denting your sense of worth for.

RubySlippers77 · 05/12/2019 20:10

I think that as @Faith50 says, you have to judge what type of friendship you have with people, and if (on your part) it's worth bothering with.

I have a female friend and thought we were really close - DC the same age - chatted several times a day via WhatsApp. She was my main link to a group of friends that I used to be close to, but don't see that often any more; she has DC at the same school as theirs, I don't. I honestly thought it was a two way friendship..... until I saw photos of her and the group of friends on Facebook on a weekend away. She'd organised for them all to go, plus a few new friends, and hadn't even mentioned it to me

I'm still polite and friendly to her but now I know that she isn't as close a friend as I considered her to be. I took a step back from the friendship and decided not to invest any more in it, don't tell her hardly anything any more. It's much easier.

blubelle7 · 05/12/2019 22:51

YANBU OP, I did this too and it has been years since I heard from some people. True we live in different countries now, but that didn't stop me from calling, emailing, arranging coffee dates when I visited, checking up on social media etc., but I realised I was oberinvested as when I went through stuff I was always alone. I said if I initiated contact I would wait for them to return the favour before it was my turn. Maybe 6 years later one asked my brother for my new number, I was so over it and knew she was only calling to ask for something and yes, it was a loan as we go back a long time and I now have a successful business....some people are just users. YANBU OP, just keep it moving and hold your head up high nothing to feel guilty about

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/12/2019 01:21

YANBU. I have had friends like this. One in particular expected me to do the running even after she let me down. She lived in my home town, so I accepted that it was easier for me to make plans based on when I came back. However, she was all too frequently ‘a bit under the weather’ when I was supposed to meet her (read massively hungover). She would then expect me to abandon plans I’d made with family once she’d finished puking.

WallyWallyWally · 06/12/2019 06:18

I think generally YANBU. I’ve let drop friendships where I do all the running: it’s pretty hard on the self esteem to be acting like a groupie.

However, I do have a couple of friends who I know genuinely find it hard to pick up the phone and get in touch. One of them grew up in a very insular family, with little outside social contact and not a lot of practice at initiating meetings etc. Another is from overseas and she’s finding it hard to adjust to the social norms here - she tends to get buried in running around after her DH / DS /DFIL that she rarely takes time for herself. So In these cases, part of me being a good friend is to be the one who picks up the phone or sends the text and says “hey, how’s it going? We need to get together for a proper catch-up!”. I don’t mind that, in these circumstances.

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