How do i be more 'hard bitch'

[frostedviolets]

More assertive, more 'no nonsense'?

Tips please?

I'm so tired of being pleasant and nice and walked over as a result.

Never just say yes to anything.
I don't think I can , is a better way to reply.

Practice, practice, practice.
I am not a confrontational person at all, really doesn’t come easy to stand up for myself. The more you do it the easier it becomes though.

In what context are you being walked over? Maybe we could give you some advice on how to address it?

I’m sorry. That’ not going to work for me.

No.

I’m unavailable that weekend.

Did you mean to be so rude?

Good advice mummmy2017. You also don’t have to give a reason why you can’t do x for someone. “Sorry but I can’t do that” is enough.

Never apologise if it’s genuinely not your fault. This is a weird British thing I can’t understand.
Stop caring about other people feelings. If it’s not your problem, don’t make it your problem.

In what situations? Being pleasant and nice is useful in many interactions.

I think the first step is knowing what your boundaries are and being accommodating of other people up to those points and then prioritisng yourself.

So, tip - self awareness is key! Saying "No" is a full sentence. Nobody has an inherent right to know why you said "No" and you don't always have to explain why.

Get new friends?
Even if I know someone who is a big softie i don't walk all over them because I'm not a cow!

Why would you want people to describe you in that way?

You don’t have to go all “No is a complete sentence” with people (and very few people, I suspect, who suggest saying things like that on MN actually do). You just have to say, “I won’t be able to help, sorry,” or “I can’t, unfortunately.”

Value yourself and your opinion. You can be pleasant and nice, yet assertive and not walked over. It's about staying firm in your opinion and not letting people under your skin or getting upset.

In what context are you being walked over? Maybe we could give you some advice on how to address it?

In laws mostly.
I can't go into too much detail because the awful things they have done/said are pretty outing.

I'll just say they are very two faced, overbearing individuals and will create conflict at the drop of a hat.

I find myself agreeing to stuff I don't really want to because I can't hack the raging, nasty, insulting behaviour that would follow if I refused.

DH is too brainwashed to go 'no contact' with them.

I just don't really have much respect from anyone.
The children are a million times worse behaved for me than DH.

I just feel frustrated really I suppose.

Did you mean to be so rude?

Oh please dont say this. It doesn't make anyone come over as assertive, just a bit of a knob. I dont know why this phrase is constantly advised on MN, it's such trite. Same as 'no is a whole sentence'.

Theres nothing wrong with being a 'pleasant' person, how do you feel that is affecting you negatively in life?

Cross post

I find myself agreeing to stuff I don't really want to because I can't hack the raging, nasty, insulting behaviour that would follow if I refused.

Why can you not just speak to them at all? If your husband wants to deal with them, that's his problem. If your children see you not sticking up for yourself, then that might be why they dont take you as seriously. If you allow people to walk all over you, they will.

I just don't really have much respect from anyone.

It doesn't sound like the issue is you.

As soon as you stop caring about the fall out, you will find being a hard bitch easy. Until then.....

Why can you not just speak to them at all?

Because you can't trust them, honestly.
Even if you talk to them about something and everything seems absolutely fine, they'll sometimes bring it up again a few days later with lots of personal insults thrown in and make a massive argument out of nothing.

Examples:

When asked an intrusive question:

I don't know. I'll have to get back to you.
We'll see.
That's a really good question, why do you ask?
Let me think about that.
It doesn't concern you.
My decision is made.
This is not a discussion
It's simply my preference.
It's none of your business.
It's already handled, taken care of.
The topic is closed
I said no and do not bring this up again
Sometimes it can be useful to simply not answer a question and let the question just hang there, pause, then change the conversation:

So anyway, how about the weather?
When attempting to draw you into drama or chaos:

It's none of my business.
I can't be there, it doesn't work for me.
I'd love to but no.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know what to say.
That's a shame.
Now you're just being silly (when they accuse you of something).
You'll have to speak to so and so about that (when complaining about so and so).
You may need to speak to your doctor / lawyer / electrician about that.
This is not my problem. If you want to make it my problem I will find a solution to this that suits me and there is every chance that it will not suit you. If you want a solution that suits you, then you need to go work on that & leave me out of it.
You may need to get in touch with your inner 'tween for some of these:

That's too bad/That's nice. (You may be surprised how long you can keep a conversation going with those words).
Now's not the time to talk about that.
I can't do anything about that.
I want to hear how you're doing.
That's up to you.
I know you don't understand this.
I know you really want to talk about XYZ but now is not the time.
It looks like my being here is upsetting you, we'll get together another time.
If the drama ramps up in an attempt to get you involved:

Exit the conversation. say "Sorry I have to go now. Maybe we can continue later."
Leave the room and house if you can safely do so.
Any threats of suicide or harm tell them to call 911 or the suicide hotline.
Remember to convey everything in a dull, flat tone of voice, with a non-confrontational, matter-of-fact manner.

What It Feels Like

Medium Chill can be extremely liberating. You are in control of you, you are directing your life, you are in charge of you, you steer the conversation and you are protected. You are free to exercise your boundaries and communicate them effectively.

What NOT To Do:

Don't focus on mitigating the other person's anger.
Don't worry about how your actions appear.
Don't try to solve the other person's problems or try to fix anything
What To Do:

Maintain a flat, calm and unemotional tone.
Choose to emotionally and mentally disengage.
Become uninteresting and boring.
Learn to say NO

More info here

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

aleteia.org/2018/05/01/how-to-master-the-art-of-medium-chill/

It doesn't mean being 'hard' just being pleasantly non-interested and not reacting.

There is nothing wrong with being a pleasant person and I don't think you really want to be a hard bitch or stop caring about other peop!e's feelings. What you do want is to be able to stand up to bullies. I think the main secret is to learn not to take anything personally. If you say No to something and they have a tantrum or make a fuss that is their problem, not yours. Just carry on like a broken record with " Sorry, I can't do that" No, that isn't convenient" etc. and detach,detach,detach. It is about being fair to both yourself and the other person. There are a lot of assertiveness techniques on the internet. This is a bit of a wild card but look at DBT self help. DBT is a treatment for some mental health conditions but the section on interpersonal effectiveness would help anyone. No technique will work though until you learn nnot to be emotionally affected by the behaviour of a bully. Medium chill and grey rock are great techniques

Would you consider CBT? I lack assertiveness also and found this beneficial. I think trying to come up with phrases is not necessarily helpful because you are essentially putting up boundaries and body language, phrases, when to say no and when to be reasonable are all part of it. Do you have low self esteem? If yes, people who take advantage can pick up on this so you might have to work on building that up. If you respect yourself more then you will naturally want to protect your own happiness more which is why you naturally say no. when you maybe have a lower opinion of yourself then you can accept bad behavior thinking that you deserve it (sub consciously). I don't know if that is the case here.

There are lots of books on assertiveness which might be helpful. 'A Woman In Your Own Right' by Anne Dickson is a good one.

Stop caring about what other people think, that's the first most important thing.

About In-Laws, try to distance yourself as much as possible. In front of their face, just smile, nod and ignore. Or just smile and say no, sorry.

Don't think of it as being a bit cheaper! Be firmer about what you will and won't do or put up with. It's not a change for the negative, you can still be caring and supportive

A *bitch
Stupid autocorrect

Re your toxic relatives, don't give out info to people you know will twist it & use as info against you. Surface chat only. Vague & airy re direct questions or stirring: 'I don't know yet' or let me think about that'. With other people who walk all over you, have a no, sorry I can't do that, no explanation approach. Any more than that & they see it as weakness & will try to negotiate to get what they're after. With your children, have consequences for poor behaviour & stick to them: Consistency & clear expectations & boundaries also. If you make clear your expectations & reward good behaviour you're halfway there.