Page 2 | How do i be more 'hard bitch'

frostedviolets · 2019-12-05T09:43:11+00:00

More assertive, more 'no nonsense'? Tips please? I'm so tired of being pleasant and nice and walked over as a result.

RatherBeRiding · 05/12/2019 14:26

I agree with the not caring what they think.

I also find it incredibly liberating to state, calmly and unemotionally, how I feel about any insults or negative emotion thrown my way:

"I cannot continue this conversation if you continue to speak to me like that. " "I have absolutely no intention of getting into an argument" . "I don't see it that way at all". "That's my decision". Etc Pause - wait for reaction. If they carry on regardless then get up and leave whilst repeating - I am not prepared to carry on with this conversation.

Under no circumstances try to apologise or appease them. Stay calm but unmoving. I find it helps to take my time to respond while I think about what to say, in the meantime just calmly looking at them (or looking them up and down if you really want to make a point!).

If they interrupt or try to talk over you, stop speaking immediately. Wait till they've finished. Ignore their interruption and resume "....as I was saying.....".

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2019 14:29

I actually think it’s quite misogynistic to describe an assertive woman as a “bitch”. Men who isn’t get walked over arent described in derogatory terms so the first thing you need to do OP is ditch the idea that you can’t be assertive and a nice person at the same time
In our house the word “bitch” is banned and instead we say “woman with an opinion” obviously it’s light hearted and we do it in a jokey way but it’s a valid point

PippiDeLena · 05/12/2019 14:50

If you really wanted to be a hard bitch you could say "fuck off you cunt" whenever your in laws talk to you, but I don't think that's what you want.

You need boundaries, and you can only have boundaries if you have good self esteem. It's all very well to have a stock answer, but unless you have the underlying self esteem your body language and demeanor will out you as a walkover and bullies will keep pushing until you break.

Read some books about assertiveness and stick to them. Don't take shit from anyone. If your in laws are rude then don't go there, don't see them, don't take the kids to see them. You don't need a relationship with them. If your kids are naughty, give them consequences and follow through. Don't get involved in explaining yourself or arguing about small points. "I'm taking your tablet because you were rude. You can have it back tomorrow if you behave." The end. No more explaining, no discussions, no engaging on why that's so unfair. Change the subject and continue with your evening. Do exactly as you say and people will respect you 1000x more for it.

Good luck.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 15:34

As Ratherberiding mentions I find that kind of thing helpful as well. Assertive but calm...another one I sometimes say is "We're all different" and kind of shrug and change the subject.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 15:36

Reading the other replies- good ideas! A bit like dealing with toddlers.

Aloe6 · 05/12/2019 15:48

I find myself agreeing to stuff I don't really want to because I can't hack the raging, nasty, insulting behaviour that would follow if I refused.

Their wants don’t trump yours so try to value yourself and your needs first. I agree with PP that self-esteem and assertiveness are linked. Can you take a massive step back and let your husband visit them alone with the children?

Herja · 05/12/2019 15:58

Honestly, just try to stop caring. I took up not giving a fuck what people think a year or so ago, it has made life much easier. People strop at you? Hang up or walk away from them, carry on with your day. Demand to change plans? Just say no, you can stick with the original or cancel instead. Money? Just never lend any. Routinely late? Wait 10 minutes, then leave; do something nice instead of waste your time. Start shouting? Leave. Generally rude? Call them on it, then leave. Manipulative bullshit? Tell them to stop spouting such shite and, again, leave.

People might not like you as much, but fuck it. This policy has no impact on decent humans, only those who are being bloody difficult anyway, so no matter if they decide they don't like you. Don't view it as being a hard bitch OP, view it as standing up for yourself.

Sarcelle · 05/12/2019 16:00

When I want to be more hard nosed I channel someone ballsy. It helps. Jac Naylor from Holby is excellent. You may not watch it, and I haven't for years, but she brooked no nonsense.

rhowton · 05/12/2019 16:03

I'm over hear trying to be less of a bitch... I literally have to try so hard with my face as it gives me away!

andpancakesforbreakfast · 05/12/2019 16:16

In our house the word “bitch” is banned and instead we say “woman with an opinion”

I know it's light hearted, but I still don't agree that the 2 are the same thing at all.

I also disagree with the title of the OP obviously. I am quite assertive and don't really take any crap, but I am only a bitch when I decide to be, but you really have to push

SweetAsSpice · 05/12/2019 16:27

Stop caring what other people think of you. It is truly liberating.

Don’t say much. Enjoy the uncomfortable silence.

Have the attitude of ‘your opinion means very little to me’ - fake it till you make it.

Body language is very key here. A ‘no’ face (aka resting bitch face but I’m not a fan of using that) is powerful.

PineappleDanish · 05/12/2019 16:29

I've found it has come with age. You get to your mid 40s and realise that you have spend 25 years or more being nice to people who aren't nice back, or biting your tongue when people are downright rude in order to be "kind". Fuck that for a a game of soldiers.

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2019 16:50

andpancakes the point is that people (men) are too quick to label strong women a “bitch” so while obviously women with opinions ARENT bitches some men use the term to dismiss them.
It’s a family joke but with a serious undertone

andpancakesforbreakfast · 05/12/2019 16:56

I think that women are just as likely - if not more! - to use the word "bitch", especially in this context.

Brillopadtongue · 05/12/2019 16:57

@Orangeblossom78 thanks a million!!

NameChangedNoImagination · 05/12/2019 17:10

They are going to continue being bad to you because they KNOW yoh are holding the burden of making everything not awkward.

So just refuse to take responsibility for it. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is primarily to yourself.

If they get angry, get angry back. You don't owe anyone unhurt feelings. You are not their emotional punchbag.

I've started doing this, with my mother. She is rude and snide. I look at her with an absolute look of disgust on my face and say, "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?" if we're alone together. If we're in company i wouldn't do it as she'd pass her comment off as a joke. So i make a devastatingly rude comment back with a smile on my face and laugh.

"Aw, well, when you've lost that weight you'll look lovely," she says.
"Shame there's no hope for you whatever your size," I reply, laughing. "How has life been for you, stuck with that ugly face?" Laugh more.

The key is to go into the scenario expecting rudeness and being ready and willing to shut them down. Don't let them take you by surprise. That is what rude people love to do, have you on the back foot.

Chattybum · 05/12/2019 17:12

Don't ever agree to anything straight off. Just say that sounds great, let me get back to you on Sunday or whatever and then carefully consider your reply. It's helpful to spend time with women you admire too, you learn a lot.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 17:18

Oh yes, having a phrase like "oh I'll have to check" before agreeing to anything is really handy.

It is hard when things are conflicted. For example if you want to see one relative but they are with another who is difficult, and they come together. It isn't easy.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 17:19

I'm not sure about being rude back, isn't that just stooping to their level?

Paintedmaypole · 05/12/2019 17:34

Being rude back just winds things up. It is only for special occasions The not caring and not reacting can be very effective. One useful thing I read is that assertiveness is a dial (like the heat control on an oven or the volume on a radio) rather than a switch so that you need to match the level of firmness to the situation. If something is very important the volume can be turned to max. If it is less important you may want to soften it a bit or perhaps compromise.

sockittome123 · 05/12/2019 17:38

I favour the "Excuse me?" with raised eyebrow in a very quiet voice. I don't use it often, but I am constantly being described as intimidating Maybe I just have those "vibes"?

andpancakesforbreakfast · 05/12/2019 17:39

being rude makes it look like you are in the wrong.

Smile and sarcasm work so much better.

Getting angry is not great either. Taking the piss is much better for you, and more efficient.

Just try it with some hysterical posters on here, they are so easy to wind up, it's funny.

CatInTheDaytime · 05/12/2019 17:43

I agree that it's not about being hard or a bitch. It's really about confidence and calmness and knowing what you won't put up with, but in a calm way.

I put up with decades of shit from my mum before I managed it, because I was just so scared of upsetting her and the fallout - although she was happy to upset me all the time. I started pulling her up on things and calmly saying things like "that's incredibly rude, you must know that's not an OK way to speak to people" and "that's clearly not true so I'm not going to respond to it" and walking away or changing the subject. Or even just simply "I'm not bothered what you think of my weight/jumper/paint colour choice - I'm happy with it" in response to her endless criticism and sneering.

She of course hated it and made out that I was a hard bitch, for simply stating the facts and not putting up with abuse. But she has reined it in a lot, because she no longer gets the drama and power play she craves from treating me like that. It's never going to be a close relationship, but actually it wasn't before - she just deluded herself that it was.

With less personal situations, like the school mum who's always trying to palm off her child on me, I have found the phrases "No I'm not available for that" and "No it's not possible then" are good - you're not saying why, so they can't argue. Look them in the eye and don't be embarrassed or apologetic - they're not are they?

Today a man who hangs around our local cafe tried to get me to give him my stamped loyalty card. I don't know if he's homeless / has MH issues or similar, and I would consider this in some circumstances, but he was quite pushy and made me uncomfortable. I just said "No this is mine, I want to keep it." It's very freeing as PPs have said to just say no, and stop apologising.

Rainbowshine · 09/12/2019 18:15

Body language and breathing are really helpful too. Stand straight, breath using your diaphragm and concentrate on having steady easy breathing. I agree with the need to disassociate their reaction from being in any way your responsibility. You don’t have to fix everything for them, you only have to meet the needs of you and your children. It takes practice so maybe start with easier audiences than the in laws.