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Aibu to hate my family

41 replies

Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 22:18

I got pregnant at the age of 19 to a very abusive guy who was arrested twice before getting a restraining order. I spent all pregnancy alone and really depressed. I cried all day everyday, it began with my dad telling me I’m not allowed to keep the baby and he’s gonna take the abortion on his own back so I don’t carry the guilt?? I thought this was already really stupid I carried on with the pregnancy by choice but my mum was horrible throughout, calling me a slut, telling me life would be better if I died if I cried in front of her she would tell me oh do you miss sex you dirty bitch my sister would insist I open up to her and if I told her how I was feeling or what my mum has said to me she would twist my words and cause my mum to scream in my face about me being two faced etc. Fast forward to when my water broke and I had no pain relief, at own point she screamed “I will fucking lunch you in a second” when I started crying in pain. She then proceeded to tell everyone how much she had to go through because of me when I was giving birth when in reality she just sat next to me the whole time and did very little, the day before I gave birth we had a screaming match because she was inviting people to come watch me give birth without my permission and when I picked her up on it she said it’s not true which I knew she lied about because I saw the messages. I came back home and that’s pretty much when she just became my worst nightmare, she wouldn’t let me breastfeed my child and shouted “NO BOOBS!” Each time I tried to feed my baby, she would shout at me not to go near my ds and kept doing things her way for example trying to put baby rice in my newborns formula, I have birth during the heatwave but she insteded the baby needs to be wrapped up and have at least 3 layers or he will lose heat and therefore weight. My sister would also contribute to this and kept saying I’m not dressing my child up properly (all my baby clothes she ended up taking for her child) and basically it’s just been this since. She will attack me by either shouting at the top of her voice if I don’t do something she wants me to do or pull me by my hair threaten to punch me, if she leaves for a weekend she will come back and tell my dad “oh you’ve lost weight” when he clearly hasn’t and I do feed him well, she claims she loves him more than I do and just criticises everything I do, When I met someone I liked my dad strangled me when he found out despite me being 21 and old enough to make my own decisions. They claim I am ungrateful because they look after my baby when I go to work and give him a home but I’m moving next weekend and want to go as low contact as possible, am I being unreasonable to cut contact? And if not how should I do it without causing a shit storm?

OP posts:

Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 22:20

Tells my ds not my dad*

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 22:21

If you block them completely, there will be no shit storm to deal with. Given the hell you've gone through, I would do exactly that and move forward to a bright future.


Oliversmumsarmy · 04/12/2019 22:25

Nc and you will feel so much relief.

I hope you go far far away and don’t tell them where you are going.

I wouldn’t let them near your Ds ever and I wouldn’t talk to them ever again.


FlashingLights101 · 04/12/2019 22:26

Gosh they sound horrible. I would recommend trying as hard as you can to become self sufficient and not need to rely on any of them for anything, especially child care. That way they have no hold over you and you can go as low contact as you want. While they are still looking after your son, they still have power over you. Take it back and then you never have to speak to them again if you don't want to.


Boom45 · 04/12/2019 22:28

Anyone who strangles you is a very small step away from killing you. Take your baby and run, never look back.
Get in touch with a women's support organisation (women's aid or a local one). Domestic violence isn't just about partner violence, family members can be perpetrators too. Get some support and be safe


twiggy19 · 04/12/2019 22:29

Jesus christ darlin!! Bless your heart you haven't had it easy 😳 never think you're being unreasonable, it sounds like you have always been controlled and now it's your turn to take control.
Just think of you and your little boy, remember if you're happy he'll be happy!
I'm sure if you were worried about his weight or anything else you would've been told to tell your health visitor or GP.
It sounds like you really need to cut them out if all they're doing is bringing negativity.
Equally you don't wanna isolate yourself because that'll drag you down too 😏
Have you got any close friends? Any relatives further afield that'd listen to you with open arms? Someone that'll put you both up for a fresh start? XxX


Lovebeingmama · 04/12/2019 22:33

Get away and start your life for both your own and child’s health. After such a toxic upbringing you may some support on self esteem and confidence, speak to your doctor. Do you have a plan? Somewhere safe to go? Finances to support you?


Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 22:36

@twiggy19 @Lovebeingmama @Boom45 @FlashingLights101 @Oliversmumsarmy

I have been saving up since my child was born and I was well enough to go to work (part time) to be able to move out, I am on universal credit right now and it will be rather hard to be able to maintain everything financially but I’m sure I’ll find a way for me and my baby, he was a chubby baby and now is still a chubby toddler she just hates if I do something right

OP posts:

Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 22:37

And I do have a few friends who I can count on thankfully

OP posts:

HelloAgainYou · 04/12/2019 22:40

I just want to say what a massive well done for being strong. You may not think it but he story is one of strength. Cut them off completely. They're no good for you or your beautiful baby.

Treat your child in the opposite way you were treated. I had my child at 19 and she's now 23. She's an amazing young woman.

Good luck. Look after yourself and your boy x


OrangeSlices998 · 04/12/2019 22:40

YANBU, it sounds like a horrible situation for you and your son to live in. Do you have somewhere to go? It doesn’t sound like you’re safe at all.


justilou1 · 04/12/2019 22:52

I have never met these people, but I fucking hate each and every one of them too. Your father is physically abusive and you don’t want your little boy learning this behaviour. Your mother and sister are bitches. They have clearly got psychological issues. Move out. Block their numbers. Don’t tell them your address. Change your number...


Jamielyn · 04/12/2019 23:12

Please cut them out. It will be hard, but you'll feel so much better.

My mum was abusive in my childhood (not so much now). I left home at 18 and never looked back.

For your own physical and mental health, as well as your child's, cut them out and do things you way.


Oliversmumsarmy · 04/12/2019 23:21

I moved 200 miles away from my mother and family.

The relief you will feel when you realise you are now in charge of your life and no one is screaming at you is indescribable

It will be hard but it will be a walk in the park compared to if you stay.


katewhinesalot · 04/12/2019 23:22

No winder you ended up with an abusive man. You've never witnessed proper, respectful relationships.

Definitely avoid contact with them but I also feel you need help in recognising red flags in future relationships. Perhaps ask for counseling or perhaps women's aid can help with some sort of course.

You sound strong. Good luck


recklessruby · 04/12/2019 23:25

Oh love what awful people! I hope you and your little boy get out and be happy. Definitely go no contact. They deserve it. Your mum has given you one thing here: a brilliant lesson in how NOT to be a mother.
I had ds at 19 too but my mum and dad were brilliant.
You will get through this.


justilou1 · 04/12/2019 23:59

Oh, as soon as you can, please get some counselling so you don’t repeat these patterns!!! (Or let these fuckers back into your life or your head!!!) It’s so important!!!


Lovebeingmama · 05/12/2019 16:36

So glad you are escaping from this.
I’m no contact with both my parents. My father was a violent alcoholic and my mum very similar to what you describe. When I had counselling to get over my past, my therapist talked about possible personality disorder with my mum.
No one would choose to turn their back on their parents unless it was absolutely necessary. I felt it was with me and helped me move on with my life and heal.
I always felt an outsider with my family and was targeted. Maybe your sister feels that unless you are the scapegoat she may be next.
Whatever the reasons, your first priority is get yourself and your baby to a safe place, away from your abusers. Take some time to reflect and heal, focus on yourself before you make any decisions about contact.
It’s difficult when you have crap parents but you are showing real strength ❤️


Areyoufree · 05/12/2019 16:40

What would you do if a stranger did those things to you? I would consider reporting to the police, although maybe getting advice from a domestic abuse / women’s refuge group would be best. Nobody has the right to do those things to you.


Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 16:42

Hi my mum was a bit like this (but not as bad) I managed to escape having her at the birth but she kept ringing the unit so much they had to ask her to stop, then after was really weird about breastfeeding also, treating it as something sexual. telling me off for it and saying I should wait and not feed in public, then shaming me for feeding at a wedding, for example. it sounds like she has some mental health issues.

there is a good site online called Out of the FOG, i find that helpful. I went NC.


DowntonCrabby · 05/12/2019 16:46

Christ get yourself and your DC as far away from them as possible and go completely NC. Do they know where you’re going to be living? They are completely abusibe and you can’t have that in your DC’s life. Flowers for you OP, you DO NOT need them for anything.


SusanneLinder · 05/12/2019 17:10

I would run for the hills and 100% go NC. Your family are awful! I hope they don't know where you are moving to. Block their numbers, and make yourself as difficult to trace as possible.
I might even send them a letter telling them to n


Katja1998 · 05/12/2019 18:13

Hi everyone thank you all for being so extremely nice and supportive!

I think counselling is where I will be heading when I leave as I just cannot stand my y, looking and speaking to her usually makes my blood boil.

Weirdly they’ve always been telling me I’m stupid since I was little, telling me I’m different from them etc but always praise my sister even though she was in a sexual relationship with our cousin she never got called a slut or a who’re whereas for me (had two boyfriends one in high school and then my child’s father) it’s a everyday basis. I know that once I leave a shit storm will happen anayway as they claim my son is their son too (I look after him by myself feed him clothe him etc never had a night off only go to work so I can provide for him) and that I’m ruining their family. I know that they won’t let me go as my mum loves to fake illness she claims she’s had leukaemia before and but has since moved into telling everyone she’s had a heart attack, basically claims she’s always on her deathbed fighting for her life and if I tell her she’s healthy she goes absolutely crazy and tells em I’m the one who makes her ill. When my sister first moved out she would go to her house at 8/9 in the morning and leave around 9/10 at night! She would cook clean and relax there all day and refuse to go home as she believes my sister wasn’t a good enough mother. I Find that they want me to be someone I’m not and really do force their culture and beliefs on me and if I don’t do as I’m supposed they lose their plot. It feels so good to get all of this out. My mum claims I’m a shit mum but would beat me till I would wet myself and then brag about it to her sisters and other family so I take little notice of her to say the least.

OP posts:

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 18:18

She is abusive, it isn't your fault, keep reading and look at this site Kind thoughts


Whusky · 05/12/2019 18:50

Firstly, well done for realising that what's been going on is absolutely NOT ok and deciding to get out of this situation. You are incredibly brave, and you and your little un deserve everything you want out of life.
Your story is basically mine ten years ago, and you can get out of it but its going to be really hard work on your part, and don't let anyone tell you you can't do it/dont need it/youre overreacting.
And to answer you're question, you are not being unreasonable, however hating them will only make you sad in the long term. "She who cares less, wins". Aim for indifference! And good luck!

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