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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned his parents still don't know about me?

30 replies

confused1984 · 04/12/2019 18:44

Currently in a LDR with bf for 10 months. Before this we dated for 1 year, broke up, reconnected. We are both in our 30s, no kids.

I'm 100% sure he's not cheating, but even now his parents still don't know about me. They didn't know about me the first time round either. I asked him about it and he said that he just doesn't have that type of relationship with them where he'd discuss that. He said he thinks they suspect he's seeing someone but have never asked him for details and he's never offered them.

He's very close to his parents so this strikes me as odd. They met his exes but I don't know at what stage so nothing to compare to really. He's planning to relocate to be with me next year so seems strange his parents know nothing about me.

Classic example - we were in the car going on a weekend break and his dad called. They proceeded to have a conversation and he told his dad on the phone he was just on his way to X but they didn't ask who with. I just sat there in silence pretending I wasn't there for 15 mins.

His friends know about me, although I haven't met many yet. I've been invited to a couple of parties but for various reasons couldn't attend.

He's met my friends and I was planning to introduce him to my family at Xmas (they all know about him) but I'm starting to feel anxious about that as it's a big step for me to introduce partners to family and don't do it often. I'm starting to feel like it's unreciprocated.

I don't really want to push him into it because I feel like he should want to do it himself. Plus I think i'd come off as needy.

Am I thinking too much into it?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 18:49

I asked him about it and he said that he just doesn't have that type of relationship with them where he'd discuss that.

He's very close to his parents so this strikes me as odd.

Clearly, one of those statements isn't true. If he is in fact close to his parents, something is very off and I would be binning him off. I would refuse to be a secret. It certainly doesn't show a great deal of commitment on his side.

bellsbuss · 04/12/2019 18:56

Bro in law was with his girlfriend for 18 months before he introduced her to the family whereas his brother my OH introduced me in weeks when we first met. I did ask him why so long and he said why did we all need to meet her

patchworkelephant123 · 04/12/2019 18:58

I'm a really private person, don't tell details of things like this to my parents until they absolutely need to know

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 04/12/2019 19:00

I agree. If he's was genuinely close to his parents, he'd have told them about you.

So, either he's not as close to his parents as he appears to be, or there's some other reason you're being kept a secret. Are you the (unknowing) OW, possibly?

In any case, given how long you've been with him in total, I'd now be wanting to insist on meeting his parents, to stop being a secret. This would be dealbreaker territory now, for me.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 04/12/2019 19:01

I took too long to type my response, clearly. I meant I agree with
Aquamarine1029

habibihabibi · 04/12/2019 19:02

All families are different, perhaps they were very fond of one of his exes and he doesn't want that again. Maybe they pressure him.
Some mothers would be off buying a hat at the mention of a relationship. Perhaps he isn't that into you.
Personally I think whilst I would want to know a bit about family background before I committed to a marriage, when you are just dating it isn't important to meet them at all.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2019 19:04

How often do you see each other? Are you sure he's not seeing anyone else? Someone they do know about?

Marinetta · 04/12/2019 19:12

My parents didn't know about my partner until I told them I was pregnant by which point we had been together for 4 years. But I'm not close to my parents and give them the bare minimum of information.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 19:15

As others have said he cannot be close to his parents and also not share details of the most significant of his life (and impending relocation!)

Something is amiss.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 19:16

*part of

Vanhi · 04/12/2019 19:16

Some mothers would be off buying a hat at the mention of a relationship.

My mum for one. I never tell her about a relationship until I'm fairly sure it's serious as she just gets ridiculously over-excited and presumptuous. That said, after the best part of a year together I would know whether or not it was serious enough to tell my mum.

I would also be bothered, OP. If he's invited previous gfs to meet his parents it does sound as if he's not that into you. Sorry, I could be wrong.

billy1966 · 04/12/2019 19:20

Definitely something is off.
Be careful OP.
I think your gut is telling you something is off. Listen to your gut.

💐

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 04/12/2019 19:23

I'm very close to my parents but I met my now DH and didn't want to get their hopes up so I said nothing. I live abroad so it was easy to hide him and I only told them about him when they were coming to stay and even then it was only because by then he was living with me!!!! I tell this as a funny story now but at the time it wasn't that funny - I just didn't tell them in the early days and then it became the idea that it would be a really big deal to tell then because I was older and they were always worried about me being so single and I just thought they'd get too excited and make it all too much and it was actually quite stressful. It was no reflection on my feelings for him or them but just a side effect of having a bit of a compartmentalised life. I met his mum long before he met my parents. He'll tell them in his own good time. Ask him outright - my dh knew how I felt and was fine with it. One important thing to add though is that I never denied the existence of my now dh - that would be the end of the line to me.

Freemind · 04/12/2019 19:27

My first son is like this - we are close and supportive as a family, but we respect each others privacy regarding relationships (he thinks I can be nosy, so he might prefer to "protect" someone from my notorious interrogation techniques!) . We talk about his flat, his job, his interests, some of his friends, but there is a line that he draws so that we have very rarely known of his personal relationships. My second son was another story! It is just how different people want to deal with personal stuff. Your bf might be concerned that his parents will be indiscreet about his previous relationships, or there might be something else. My dh had tried to shield me from his very religious family, because he knew they would struggle to accept me. He was right to do it too - I'd probably have left him if I'd known what they were like sooner.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 19:28

Some people saying they are close but didn't say anything could be like him, i.e. not that close actually and hold things back out of fear/desire to protect?

Groovinpeanut · 04/12/2019 19:31

It's going to be a bit awkward if he announces he's relocating and they say "who with... Or you've only just met". He's going to have to say "hmmm a year and 10 months"
I would question a bit deeper as to his closeness to his parents.
Mind you if you've met, broken up, reconnected he may be waiting to see if the relationship lasts before saying anything. A year isn't a big deal really.
I'd just see how things pan out. Obviously LDR leave scope for many opportunities.

StCharlotte · 04/12/2019 19:31

I worked with a girl whose parents lived in another country. She was very religious yet lived with a guy not of her religion (both no-no's - the living with some not of her religion and out of wedlock) for ten years before he finally saw sense and left.

Her parents never knew about him

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 19:38

I only told my mother that I had a boyfriend when we got engaged. Even then we told my late MIL, my BIL, next door neighbour and most of the congregation of our church first. But we aren't close at all.

CanIHaveADrink · 04/12/2019 19:46

I asked him about it and he said that he just doesn't have that type of relationship with them where he'd discuss that.

He's very close to his parents so this strikes me as odd.

I’ll put my hand up and say that’s the sort of things I have done. My parents are lovely but anything about bfs etc... is sort of taboo. Think ‘you get married to the guy you’ve slept with’ type of attitude (they are absolutely lovely otherwise, hence I am really close to them for everything else!)

CanIHaveADrink · 04/12/2019 19:50

@confused1984, I would ask him btw.
This will tell you a lot about him and about his family

rollon2020 · 04/12/2019 19:50

I do know someone whose like this, speaks to her parents regularly and is very much a family person, but they do live aboard.

She doesn't want to tell her parents until she's sure, proposal time by the sounds of it! Because they will be very intense about it

Justmuddlingalong · 04/12/2019 19:54

Have the issues that you split up over the 1st time been resolved?

Butchyrestingface · 04/12/2019 19:55

I'm a really private person, don't tell details of things like this to my parents until they absolutely need to know

Same. And I was very close to my mum. But this was the one area where it felt too loaded somehow.

My father, far less close relationship, although I still see him once a month or so - he’ll find out when I tell him I’m married.

helpmum2003 · 04/12/2019 19:56

It sounds a bit suspicious. Ask him why they don't know.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/12/2019 20:01

Could it be a religious/cultural thing? My DS went out with a girl for four years at uni. She was welcomed to lots of our family events but, for understandable reasons, never told her parents about DS. It broke them up in the end.

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