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AIBU?

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Original poster

Difficult toddler

27 replies

Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 13:28

Hi, this is my first time on mumsnet so I hope im doing this right. I have a 17 month old boy who is the size of a 2 year old, he has been refusing sleep, whinging all day long, will not play with toys, will not play with other children, he runs around the house all day long with me running after him as he’s quite clumsy and falls over often. He constantly just wants the tv on and no matter what toys I get him he just isn’t interested. He isn’t hitting his milestones and can only say about 3 words. Only sometimes responses to his name and is very attached to me and cries if I leave the room put him down give someone else attention. I am a single parent and finding it difficult as I am extremely tired and worried as he’s only interested in the tv and won’t pay much attention to anything else. How can I make him a little more independent? And how do you catch a break? He won’t sleep in his cot either and insists on sleeping on top of me most nights. Sometimes I really lose it and feel really bad afterwards. I am also currently living with my mum but due to move out on the weekend and I’m extremely scared as to what I’m going to do with no help at all.

OP posts:
Mrscog · 04/12/2019 13:31

Tough toddlers are really hard.

I think you have to stay strong on TV - just say it's broken and hide the remote.

Have you spoken to the HV about some of his other behaviours? Do you go to any toddler groups or anything? What's he like if you go to a park?

Look up Janet Lanesbury - she's good on respect and promoting independance.

Original poster
Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 13:35

He doesn’t want to walk on his own if I take him to the park and he’s extremely heavy (wears 2-3 3-4 size clothes) and I have to carry him around, so it doesn’t tire him out to say the least

OP posts:
Damntheman · 04/12/2019 14:16

Agree on the zero tv at all front. Make it no longer an option for him. You don't need to chase him about, let him fall and pick himself up again it's fine! The less fuss you make over a toddler falling, the less they scream about it. You'll know if he's hurt himself for real :)

I'd stop trying to engage him. What happens if you sit on the floor yourself with some of his toys and play by yourself?

moita · 04/12/2019 14:19

17 month olds don't play with other children - too young so don't worry about that. Same with speech he's still got time to talk.

Do you get out much? Groups and softplay? Definitely no tv.

SarahAndQuack · 04/12/2019 14:20

I wouldn't say 3 words at 17 months is particularly an issue, is it?

The NHS site says that between 12 and 18 months a child 'may now have an average of three clear words,' so I'd say he is bang on target. www.gosh.nhs.uk/medical-information-0/procedures-and-treatments/speech-and-language-development-12-24-months

Likewise the falling over/whinging/wanting to sleep with you all sound normal. It's really hard work with toddlers. And they do go in stages where you are just exhausted by it all. But the first thing is not to make yourself feel guilty for things that probably aren't problems.

Footiefan2019 · 04/12/2019 14:23

Would some stay and play sessions help ? Maybe playgroup where you could pop into another room for a coffee ? Baby signing, rhyme time, sensory play sessions? Libraries often have lots going on.

Footiefan2019 · 04/12/2019 14:24

Also little kickers football, swimming lessons or baby gymnastics is really good at that age and tires them out!

TeenPlusTwenties · 04/12/2019 14:29

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because he looks like he is nearly 3 that he should act like he is nearly 3.

pastabest · 04/12/2019 14:31

He isn’t hitting his milestones

who told you this? there's nothing in anything you have written that doesn't sound like a perfectly normal 17mo other than perhaps his size.

My 19 mo is in age 2-3 clothes and she's very slim, just tall. She says mama, dada, doggy, ball and juice as clear words, everything else is just a babble/ verging on a word and us guessing through pointing.

I would be tempted to 'lose' the TV in the move for a bit perhaps, can you get him out in the pushchair to a park or playgroup something? He won't play with other children there because that's not what 17mo do but he might have a sleep on the way/ there back and burn some energy off.

ShinyGiratina · 04/12/2019 14:33

I had to put a timer on our TV for my toddler. It was an invaluable crutch when I was heavily pregnant and literally on crutches over a hard winter, and while I was revovering, but when I was feeling human again, I needed to re-establish control. I used to make sure I was out of the room when the TV clicked off and over a couple of weeks the intensity and duration of the tantrums eased off.

Toddlers are known for being difficult and they usually grow out of it. If there are niggling concerns, note them down for future reference. Things normally resolve themselves, but if you have lasting concerns, that record is useful.

Original poster
Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 14:44

I still live with my mum and dad who constantly tell me he is behind, that he should speak more, play independently, etc. I work two times a week and when I leave my mum puts on the tv and gives him her phone as well both at the same time ,I have asked her not to many times but she insists she loves him more than I do has his best interest at heart and I’m a crappy mum too young don’t know what I’m talking about etc I haven’t got a tv for the sole purpose of buying him plenty new toys for Christmas and going cold turkey, however I’m really not looking forward to all the tantrums. I usually try to go out but I had a very violent partner(his dad) who I had some trouble with and although I have a restraining order I’m petrified of going anywhere with the baby as he’s made threats and I know what he’s capable of, i of course do know this isn’t helping but it’s still early days and I’m trying to adjust, once I move I’m planning on giving him more days out and hopefully doing things my own way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 14:59

@Footiefan2019 @Mrscog @pastabest @Damntheman @SarahAndQuack @TeenPlusTwenties @ShinyGiratina @moita

OP posts:
ritzbiscuits · 04/12/2019 14:59

You need to set some boundaries and a routine. Limit tv to a little bit in the morning then nothing until the end of the day (pre dinner time). No eating in front of the tv.

Get him out every day, take him to the park, library sessions, stay and play playgroup sessions (often at churches/Sure Start if there is one by you). At that age you should be able to get him out each morning, back for lunch then put him down for a nap.

Re: toys, I don't think my son played with his toys extensively at that age, certainly not on his own, so you may be expecting too much. Spend time playing with him, talking with him, reading stories, that will help his language development.

pastabest · 04/12/2019 15:04

Oh OP. Flowers

Ignore your parents, it sounds like he's doing absolutely fine and I suspect you will find everything gets much easier when you aren't being undermined and having your confidence destroyed by your parents.

The first few years of a child's life fly past so quickly and it's very easy to forget once you are years out of it what's normalish at what age, but that's no excuse for their behaviour.

Keep posting here , try and find some playgroups and hopefully things start to get easier for you very soon.

Out of interest did you ever get the opportunity to do anything like the Freedom programme after the issues with your ex? It does sound like you might benefit from something like that if you are finding yourself coming up against lots of people in your life with controlling behaviours.

egontoste · 04/12/2019 15:13

The reason he runs around all day could be because you run around after him. When he does it, he gets attention. It will also be constantly reinforcing his attachment to you, and his need to have you with him at all times.

Toddlers need to be active, and it helps them sleep better, too. Make everywhere as safe as possible for him, and let him get on with it unhindered.

Footiefan2019 · 04/12/2019 15:31

Aw op. You sound really trapped. I have a couple of friends who run sensory play companies and they’d be more than happy if you attended to explain your situation with your ex and that you were feeling a bit nervous getting out and about. They’d probably keep an eye out for you arriving and leaving and offer a listening ear. Most people who run these classes have a really good heart and have mums and babies interests in mind. Do you have a surestart Centre nearby ? They’d be really helpful too I’m sure. Do you drive or would you be relying on public transport ?

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 15:35

See your health visitor ask for assessment for him
There are assessments they can do at his age like bayley scale and SLT
If he is delayed you can access a lot of support like specialist play groups and classes for you and him to look at strategies
If hv says he isnt delayed she can still refer you to drop ins for support and classes for you to get some strategies
Ask for help and support dont leave it

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 15:36

Agree you'll probably find it easier once you move.

Use it as an opportunity to change the routine.

No TV. No chasing him around.

And no more having to listen to your parents undermining you and telling you she loves him more than I do has his best interest at heart and I’m a crappy mum - she's the crappy Mum! What an awful thing to say.

Best of luck with the move and try some of the techniques mentioned on this thread.

NaviSprite · 04/12/2019 15:48

Firstly I’d say do not listen to your Mum (easier said than done I know) but that she even dared to say she loves your DS more - absolutely shocking.

As for the supposed delays your parents comment on, if your HV and any other Health Care Professionals don’t see an issue I would try not to worry, my DD and DS are 2 (twins) and DD has only just started saying clear words, she has a minor delay due to prematurity, DS is largely non verbal and under SALT now, but they weren’t sure putting him under that at 2 as they think he may be a late bloomer rather than having additional support needs. Whenever I face criticism from people on my parenting choices I just repeat the mantra ‘water off a ducks back’ in my head and outwardly just smile until I have the chance to get away. I hope moving into a new home will help decrease your anxieties around this.

I’m no expert but your son sounds like a usual toddler from what you’ve described and his additional clinginess is probably a result of having changes occur as well as usual separation anxiety that most toddlers go through. When you are in your new home it will be rough for a bit (my twins got super clingy/grumpy when we moved into our new house) but when you’re there you will have the freedom and non-interference to set your boundaries with him and he knows he is safe and loved with you already so you just need to build on that and when you have your own space he should hopefully improved.

If your concerns around his development are playing on your mind I would recommend asking to see you HV, some can even offer ‘listening appointments’, so rather than the standard weighing/measuring and charting, they can come to see you and just listen to whatever you wish to speak about and offer whatever guidance they can. Maybe worth arranging when you’ve gotten into your new home.

Good luck OP, honestly you sound like a lovely caring mum and I wish the best for you and your little boy Flowers

Mrscog · 04/12/2019 18:08

Your Mum is emotionally abusing you. Don’t listen to her, see if you can get support from a health visitor or something.

Original poster
Katja1998 · 04/12/2019 19:04

Thankyou all for being so supportive!

@mrscog considering the fact she punched me in the face when I picked him up from her lap the other day I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say I’m very happy to be leaving

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/12/2019 19:06

My toddler gets like this if we haven't been out and about much, I think they just get bored at home.

Do you have a children's centre near you? Mine was brilliant when my first was a baby, a real lifeline and the groups don't cost anything to go.

MoonlightBonnet · 04/12/2019 19:20

God, stay away from your parents once you’ve moved out. Walking and saying three words at 17 months is hitting his milestones! Some kids are better at playing by themselves than others.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2019 12:43

considering the fact she punched me in the face

OMG! You poor thing.Are you OK?

Yes, moving out is the best possible thing. Can you move as soon as possible? And DO NOT give her or your Dad a spare key!

Heronwatcher · 05/12/2019 12:56

Your Son sounds pretty normal to me. Your mother on the other hand sounds like a total nightmare! My 22 month old is really only saying a few words and won’t amuse himself for more than 5-10 minutes. He plays alongside other kids rather than with them. He can be clingy at times and is a bit of a nightmare (running/ climbing/ falling) especially if we’ve not been out all day. He’s totally normal!
I agree that getting out and about is good, sounds like you had a tough time but I think you have to take a deep breath and try not to worry too much. Our local children’s centre and library have lots of free stuff to do and lots of soft plays have membership options which work out good value. If you have to rely on your mum to babysit could you perhaps change your hours so that your son is asleep when she’s there? Either that or you need to lay down the law with her about TV, phones, and abuse to you and threaten no contact if necessary. My son does watch CBeebies but probably no more than an hour a day (half an hour in the morning, night garden/ story before bath time).

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