To hate being called Dear?

[30to50FeralHogs]

My DP has recently and inexplicably started calling me Dear.

“Would you like tea dear?”
“What do you fancy for dinner dear?”
“Are you ok dear?” etc

and he can’t understand why I hate it so very much, as it’s a term of endearment so it should be ‘a nice thing‘.

I feel like his nan or an elderly aunt when he calls me this. I am possibly peri-meno so willing to accept that I may be reading more into this than is meant, but it’s just so deeply unsexy!

For context I’m 45 and he’s 41 but I feel like he’s stopped seeing me as a sexy young thing and that I’m now past it

Previously he’s called me babe (never liked that before we met, but from him I do), darling, sweetheart, boo, bubba, sexy lady, beautiful, sugar tits etc All of which I’m more than happy with. The only one that really rankles is Dear.

(Oh and babes - that was a step too far and made me think he’d been watching TOWIE!)

So AIBU to hate being called dear?

Tell him speaking to you like his will have obvious repercussion at bedtime.
He can expect a kiss on the cheek.
Or the spare room..

I think you need to calm down dear.

(jk, btw)

*like you are his dm

But it’s ok for you to refer to him as ‘DP’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hate it too. Would rather be called something that's out-and-out sexist than "dear" -- its both dated and sexist.

@Cacaca, I doubt the OP calls him that face-to-face.

I'm watching classic coronation Street, Reg holdsworth and Derek Wilton use 'dear', so it's definitely a no-no.

@ponoka7 of course she doesn’t but to me it’s hypocritical even using that phrase to refer to him - I’m not a fan of referring to anyone as ‘d’ anything - it makes me cringe even on an Internet forum where it’s the norm. Just my opinion.

Start calling him dear back. Or just tell him you don't like it?

Does he know your name? 😂
You reminded me of this joke:
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

I’ve clicked on YANBU but only because you don’t like the term ‘dear’. Nothing actually wrong with the term ‘dear’. Just tell him what you’d like to be called.

Tell him you’ll pack his bags if he calls you dear again.
Should do the trick.

The last time someone called me "dear" they were being very patronising.
It wasn't my husband.

I think you need to calm down dear.

That’s exactly how I hear it! Like David Cameron or that annoying Michael Winner advert!

Start calling him dear back. Or just tell him you don't like it?. I have tried. I don’t think he’d find it as annoying as I do because as other PPs have said, it has an outdated and sexist patronising quality about it, which I don’t think transfers when used the other way. I said it’s a bit like me calling him ‘mate’ or something, rather than babe or darling. Just not something you say to your other half!

Tell him speaking to you like his will have obvious repercussion at bedtime.. It actually did the other night! I told him I didn’t like it and why, and he said I was overthinking it and we ended up in a slightly stony silence so I wasn’t really in the mood. I need to feel like he finds me attractive and something about ‘dear’ isn’t doing it for me!

He knows I hate it but it’s now become an automatic thing so he’s conscious of how often he’s saying it, but only realises afterwards and then he stops himself midway and tries to style it out .

How annoying ... can you think of a derogatory term of endearment for him which you can say each time he says "dear" or one of the other annoying names. "Dumbo" springs to mind for starters.

Why can't he say your name? It's like he's talking to the pet dog.

Yanbu. It reminds me of patronising people working with the elderly and assuming they re losing their marbles!
I also hate babe. Reminds me of the pig.
A friend has taken to addressing me as babe in text messages which makes me cringe. Thankfully she calls me Ruby irl.

Ah, some terms of endearment can rub you up the wrong way for seemingly no reason.
For me it's always been darling. Probably because of where I am from it comes out more like Dahh-lin and it just grates on me.

You've made it clear you don't like it, so he should try to stop.

I hated babe too, but when I met him and he called me that it made me feel young and attractive so I was ok with it!! Dear is the polar opposite.

I hate being called dear, DH uses it to mock me (I'll ask him to pass me something that he can reach and I can't and he'll respond with "yes dear"). What makes it worse is that DD's started doing it too!

I don't understand why babe(s) is acceptable when dear isn't. Can't stand babe [shudder] Fortunately I most unbabe-like so it's rarely an issue

Does he know your name? 😂 I may have to check as he never uses it!

I don't understand why babe(s) is acceptable when dear isn't

Babe is something that sounds like a young person to me. You wouldn’t call your nan babe. Or an elderly lady in a shop. Men don’t say “calm down babe” when they think a woman is getting a bit uppity! I’ll be honest, I have always found babe cringey as fuck, but when he says it, it makes me melt . However, Dear has a more frosty effect!

T,s a term of Edearment. Yabu but it if you don,t like it tell him.

I'm a horror for endearments. A few years ago DS1 asked me if I would mind not calling him sweetheart in W H Smiths. He was 24.