To question whether I want DM involved in DC's life?

[Dinosauraddict]

I am posting this on behalf of my DH (who wrote it) as he really wanted MN insight:

For many years (decades) my younger brother has very much been the favourite, to the extent that an outsider would reasonably think my mother only has one son. So naturally my mother and I grew apart, which I have mentally been ok with. My wife has always tried to foster a better relationship, but my mother (and brother) has only ever contacted either us when they want something.

The challenge I now have is that I am expecting my first child, so as expected my mother is now showing a renewed interest in me and my family (Since we announced the pregnancy). Last weekend, she (my mother) severely offended my wife and also said that I wasn’t included in her will, with everything going to my brother. Financially, this doesn’t bother me, it is just the principle of being excluded (once more).

My mother afterwards realised that she offended my wife and is very apologetic but I am left questioning do I want her/them involved in my child’s life? She hasn't realised how upset I was about the clear favouritism re the will.

I wouldn't she doesn't sound very nice and to cut you out of her will for no reason is awful. She sounds toxic.

She sounds horrible. The fact she's apologised is a start, I guess.

Maybe your DH should just sit down and hash it all out with her. He can tell her exactly how he feels and get it all of his chest.
I think then the onus is on her to prove she deserves to be a part of your family, and that includes respecting you and DH as adults and as parents.

This is obviously assuming he wants her and his brother in his life.

Just because she's your 'mother', that doesn't automatically assume her rights to your child and it doesn't mean you should have any sort of relationship with her. I'm sure you'll get many replies telling you the same.

Mine is one of them. I cut my BM out years ago and it was liberating - she adds nothing to your life, so why attempt to include her, when she's done nothing but try to exclude you?

She sounds awful. Clearly she places emphasis on materialistic possessions. I wouldn't want her around me or my family to be honest and I'd tell her where she can stuff her will too. Tell your hubby to have it out with her before giving her the matching orders if she fails to fix up.

Ignoring a child in a will is a HUGE thing. My concern would be if this unfair and unbalanced relationship extended to the baby especially if other grandchildren came along from your brother.
If it was me, I would not let her be a grandma to my child.

What benefits does her being in your life bring?

She’s a shit mum.
Cut her of.
And don’t allow her to use her toxic influence over your kids.

I would be very wary. My prediction is that if you let her she will cause unnecessary stress during your baby’s early days with demands for GP ‘rights’. No doubt wanting the child on its own because she places no value on seeing you or DW. Then in a few years your DB will have his own kids & your DC will be rejected the same way you were.

Cutting her out of your life now seems like the best way of avoiding all that heartache.

You don't need her, stick with you new little family.

I would start by thinking do you want her in your life?

I, personally, don't hold with the 'family' argument if they aren't decent people worthy of my time, energy and headspace.

Are there any positives that she brings to your life? How do you feel after an interaction with her? Will that change? Do you actually like her??
Is she a role model that you want in your and your family's life?

And how do those questions work if they're flipped?

Completely cut her out of your life. If you don’t you’ll regret it long term as I did with my own toxic mum - she’ll suddenly become THE most amazing grandparent to your own child and then you’ll have a child who thinks the sun shines out of your mums bum and you’ll be stuck feeling conflicted and awkward. And then when she dies you’ll be left with your child feeling devestated when you know your mum isn’t a nice person at all. I speak from experience. Just horrible situation all round.

Does it have to be 'all or nothing'?

Maybe occasional contact for short periods, rather than completely cutting her off?

I would cut her off. Does she add anything bad negativity to your life? If no, it's likely to be that way for your son too.

I think, given theat there will soon be a new dynamic in your family, that this could be the time, if there ever is one, to lay down some clear guidelines on her behaviour.

Tell her that her leaving you out of the will sends you a clear message that you are not loved and valued as much as your brother. That because of this and other treatment of you over the years, you don't find her a loving and reliable person to be around and don't trust her to be a loving grandmother to your new child.

Chances are she'll sulk for England. But at least you said it. In a very jolly, breezy way I once told my dad that they'd not helped or shown much interest at all when DC were growing up so it was natural we'd grown apart and I was less likely to drop everything now they are old and frail. He was gobsmacked. But he couldn't argue with me because it was all true.

Thank you so much everyone. My DH has gone to work now, but I'll show him the rest of this when he gets home this afternoon.

My grand father has been like this with my dad until his death (and actually even afterwards - through his will).
My dad, in big part because of my mum who encouraged him to have a relation with his dad, stayed in LC with him until the end.

It was NOT a good idea. Nit for my dad, not for my mum (so manny hurtful things have been said to both of them, right from when they met and then decided to get married). And not for me, as the grandchild, either.
Some people are toxic. They are not going to change. Do you really want your child to experience how toxic your mother is, with all the hurt going with it?? (And yes I've had the is will take you out of my will’ too, as a child.....)

What was it she did that offended your wife? TBH I think this could be key.

I certainly wouldn't be trying to foster a close relationship with your child, but I think how low contact would depend on exactly what she did.

My DH family have been unusual ..., that word could be substituted for "awful".

I was so desperate that my children should have 2 sets of Grandparents, I tried and tried and tried and it has come to no avail. Eventually my DH has cut them out of his life and our children have no real connection. They really only care for SiL and always have been like this.

Examples over the years include:
Not acknowledging birth of our DD ... I had to go round and show her to them.
Not buying them Christmas presents ... I did so they felt they had presents.
Commenting on any naughty or cheeky thing the children did when small and running round the family to each other. (I actually got so stressed about this I talked to friends to see if I was being unreasonable or the children particularly "bad" but no it was not different from other children.)
Stalking my facebook page which is pretty harmless and trying to stir up trouble
Not answering their phone or returning messages

So you see it is unlikely to get better.

I think you need to focus on the impact you DM being involved with your child could have on your child (and you and your DW).

You know she isn't a nice person and that she treats you unfairly in comparison to your DB. What are the chances of this all changing for the better once your baby arrives? Maybe for a short while until the newborn excitement wears off and then old behaviours could trickle in. Or, if it won't change at all considering her recent behaviour re the will.

Do you really want stress and aggro in what should be a joyous time for you and your DW? Your mothers already impacted your lives negatively, and had the chance to redeem herself over the years, why give her the chance to continue now.

I speak from experience sadly, I hope it all works out for you, enjoy your new baby!

Focus on your family and cut her off, you don’t need this in your life

Defo not allow her in !
She’ll fuss around your new baby until the golden son has a child and then drop yours - so another child excluded again
You knew how evil that is, protect your child

My mum was like this with my two sons - she only liked one and very much excluded the other and all my two brothers kids too. Tbh when she died that was one thing I never had to worry about again as they were getting older, as the boys were still young and as far as I can tell ( id never ask directly ) they dont seem to recall anything. I did used to say to her but she never changed

Imo shit dm's make shit dgms too.
I am nc with dm after having dc.
She was horrendous...
Your mil won't change....
As much as dh may want her to morph into Super Gran she most likely won't at all.
Don't use your precious dc as an experiment to find out...

I’d be inclined to give her one chance once the baby is born. Make it clear during pregnancy that you won’t tolerate game playing. At the first sniff of problems you can then make your decision. I wish we’d manned up sooner in a similar situation!

She sounds like my MIL.
If I had my time again I'd let her meet DC and withdraw, so she knows she can't have her way and she sees what she's missing out on because of her bad parenting and behaviour in general.
She's absolutely awful to us but acts like grandmother of the year spoiling with over the top gifts and never saving no , so the DC think she is amazing.
Despite her doing things that affect both my H's, mine and DC1's mental health and showing absolute favouritism to her 2nd eldest daughter ( who's also a manipulative bitch ) and her much older DC.
I went completely NC over last new year , after she went batshit , drunk texting me all night demanding I do something for her so her daughter was happy.
She's always been rude and dismissive of me , my feelings don't count at all.
Husbands feelings don't count either and she lies to people about her perfect happy family.
Yet it's so dysfunctional, like a cult with her and the one daughter at the head and 4 other DC and her husband as followers.
If you don't tow the line she first sulks and then gets nasty.
She expects her and her family to come before myself and my DC in H's life and has been the biggest source of tension in our relationship and my life for the last 14 years.
I'll be buggered if I'm going to see my family treated like second class citizens or bullied.
So she's out of my life.
Silly husband recognises her faults, she hurts him greatly , so does his sister but he is like a dejected dog seeking approval from a wicked owner and he can't let go.
It's very sad to see.
He takes our DC to visit once or twice a week , even though he gets nothing but hurt from the experience now.
He does love his dad though and his dad is a nice man but puts up with this woman too.
I wish my DC had minimum contact with her from birth but you'd think she owned them.
She's totally bought their love with ridiculously extravagant, very , very expensive gifts and by undermining us at every opportunity.
Honestly I'd go very low contact.
Don't let this be your life.
She sounds very toxic and as other people have said once your BIL has DC , yours may be dropped or treated like lesser members of the family.
My eldest DC is almost 13 and has started to realise over the last 18 months what she's like, how his cousins are put first but he is a kid and also knows she's rich and shows her love with gifts .
So he's angry but still a kid and kids will except gifts most kids could only dream of and puts up with her crap.
He cries about it , it makes no sense but she's got another generation by the balls.
I make a point of never saying anything negative about his mother ( or sister ) to the DC but she will think nothing of making vicious comments about me in front of them.
Cutting your H out of the will and telling him , is very hurtful.
I'd tell her you don't need her money anyway and can't be bought like BIL.
Tell her that her attitude to your H has been a source of great upset and hurt over the years, he is not allowing your DC to be potentially feel that same pain and that your H will absolutely not stand for you being insulted and belittled.
You have your own family on the way.
Your DH has you and a baby now.
She doesn't deserve to be allowed to play the doting grandmother after emotionally crippling your husband with her behaviour.
Nip it in the bud.
I wish I had instead of biting my tongue and trying to be the better person, I would have stood up for my family unit.
Good luck

Chances are if you have more than one child she'll play favourites again. Best not to put yourselves through it.
A mentally healthy dad is of far more use to a child than a batshit grandma.