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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children at Engagement Party?

44 replies

MummaBear120613 · 03/12/2019 21:18

My OH and I got engaged last week (eek!) and honestly I'm on Cloud 9. Talk has quickly gone to whether or not we're having an engagement party and if so what are we doing etc etc.

We've decided we'll probably do one in February (get Christmas out of the way, then January isn't really a good month for anyone) but I'm stuck with a) what to do and b) should it be a kiddie friendly or a child free event?

Now the latter I'm really torn on. We have a 6yo who is my absolute world and I can't imagine him not being there, and lots of our family / friends have kids too, in fact when I think about where the party would be I instantly start planning things to keep the little ones entertained; it will be too cold in Feb for a bouncy castle, should I get an entertainer, how about games, colouring, what can we do to keep them happy and not bored while the parents enjoy themselves too etc...

Basically I'm getting really worked up about it all. My sister gave me some firm words of 'this is YOUR engagement party, not a Childs birthday party think of yourself and not the kids for once!' she also highlighted that all the little ones would be there at the wedding and said that we should have our engagement party as a time to 'relax and let our hair down' without the worry of looking after little ones.

I know she's right, she did make total sense. But I can't seem to shift mum guilt. I'd love an 'adult only' classy cocktail party, but does that make me a d**k? I feel bad, guilty and so awful even considering it so any thoughts or advice would be hugely appreciated.

Basically the long and short of it is, should we do an afternoon thing, child friendly venue and super relaxed or an evening where we can get dressed up a bit more and party into the night?

(I'm aware even considering doing something without my child is selfish, please don't mum shame me, I'm just so so torn)

OP posts:

CheeryB · 03/12/2019 23:03

I've never known anyone in real life to have an engagement party
I haven't either. Didn't know it was a thing. Also been to dozens of weddings.

CheeryB · 03/12/2019 23:08

Anyway we didn't get engaged. DH asked me if I'd marry him so we we booked the register office and got married.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2019 23:12

I had an engagement party, many, many years ago when it was probably more of a 'thing'. It was a few years before the wedding, due to having to save up.

Received some really nice presents(some of which I still have) but that wasn't the point.

It was just a big party for family and friends thrown by my parents yo celebrate (told you it was many years ago) so everyone was there, including children.

lifeisgoodagain · 03/12/2019 23:22

You can have kids there without it being a kids party, having a colouring corner is a good idea though

Cohle · 03/12/2019 23:24

I've been to loads of engagement parties. I don't think they have to be a huge formal, American type thing. It's just a nice way to celebrate with the couple and an excuse to catch up with friends and relatives you maybe don't see all that often.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2019 23:52

I'd imagine the actual wedding won't be for a few years with saving up etc
This, all the engagement parties I've been to have been when a couple have got engaged but haven't set a date / won't be getting married for a while. I think an engagement party, two hen dos and a wedding all within 12 months is perhaps too much, but celebrating your engagement isn't a weird thing...

CJsGoldfish · 04/12/2019 03:52

I can understand why people had engagement parties in the past but, in this day and age, I think they are redundant. You've already made the biggest commitment so what exactly does an 'Engagement party' mean after that?

I assume you live together so the whole 'gift' thing for a reaffirming of commitment is weird as well. I guess I just don't get what you're actually doing that requires a party other than a promise that when you've saved enough money you're going to have a really big party.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 04:00

I don’t get engagement parties either. Just a waste of money.

Also the whole ‘mum guilt’ thing really fucks me off. You are allowed to do things without your child ffs!

If I were you I wouldn’t bother and put the money towards the wedding.

Stillfunny · 04/12/2019 04:13

Very strange to have an engagement party so long after you actually got engaged. You might be excited , but do you really think other people will be too? Not being unkind, but suggest that you think again about this. And avoid any dilemma completely.

MarthasGinYard · 04/12/2019 04:25

Do folk still have engagement parties

Not been to one since the 80's

Not helpful sorry

eaglejulesk · 04/12/2019 04:46

Congratulations on your engagement, and if you want to have a party then have a party. What other people think about engagement parties doesn't matter at all, and why they think it necessary to voice their views is beyond me! As to it being child free, you do what you want to do - but it really isn't being selfish doing something without your child.

flowery · 04/12/2019 05:16

You’re way overthinking. If you want to celebrate your engagement, do it now, when you’ve just got engaged, not three months later, and have whatever event you want.

But if you’ll need to save up a few years before you get married, surely better to put the cost of the kind of engagement celebration event you’re talking about towards the wedding?

loseyourself · 06/12/2019 02:40

sorry @MummaBear120613 it is slang for presents and money. I have no problem with a nice engagement party if the invites state NO PRESENTS PLEASE.

loseyourself · 06/12/2019 02:41

Have you even considered that?

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2019 02:52

I'm aware even considering doing something without my child is selfish, please don't mum shame me

What a load of complete crap, of course it's not. Why on earth do you think it is, what a really strange thing to think!!

aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2019 03:00

(I'm aware even considering doing something without my child is selfish, please don't mum shame me, I'm just so so torn)

It's really worrying that you think this.

As a side note, I would think it was a bit strange if the party was this geared up towards children and it would be more conventional for it to be an adult only event.

But more importantly, your mum guilt is extremely intense and I think it would do both you and your kids a lot of good if you were able to contemplate doing something for yourself that didn't involve booking a bouncy castle for them without assuming you are a monster. I say this with compassion but it isn't good for either side.

TotalRecall · 06/12/2019 03:02

I'm aware even considering doing something without my child is selfish, please don't mum shame me, I'm just so so torn

Pardon?

I do stuff without my kids all the time. I’ve even been on holiday twice this year without them.

Nice to know you think I’m selfish. Parents are people too. Didn’t realise we had to be attached to our kids at the hip for 18 years.

Do you never go to child free weddings? Dinner with your partner? See a movie not appropriate for kids? Other people’s parties?

CherryPlum · 06/12/2019 04:26

It's sweet that you and your partner are excited, but I do think an engagement party is very OTT. I'm sort of cringing on your behalf, if I'm honest!

Plus it sounds like the party planning is already a headache for you.

Aebj · 06/12/2019 04:34

We didn’t bother with an engagement party. Non of our friends had them .
Enjoy a relaxing evening with friends. Kids will entertain themselves. Just supply lots of food and balloons !
Congratulations

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