Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU as a DIL?

32 replies

piyrwadgjl · 03/12/2019 09:36

I have recently had a baby and want to have good family relationships for her. I've always kept a distance from my MIL because she has a very competitive and combative personality that I don't enjoy. However there is no issue between us broadly and we get along at family events etc, I just have no close direct relationship with her.

I recently had a baby and she came to the hospital just after birth and saw her first moments etc alongside my own mother. I thought that including her as much as possible and sharing the birth etc would be a great new start and forge a positive relationship. Unfortunately my MIL was very combative in the hospital and said quite a few nasty snide comments to me and my mother.

Then when my DH and I took our daughter home, my MIL made a lot of snide comments about my mother staying at our house (because she wasn't staying with us, although she chose not to herself). She also criticized baby shower gifts that I had been given, and was generally quite unpleasant company.

I am at a bit of a loss. I don't think my MIL is a wholly mean person, she has her good moments, however her almost unstoppable impulse to say nasty things and 'one-up' everyone in conversations is really unpleasant. To date, I have dealt with this by just minimizing direct contact with her, however with my daughter born, I think I should form a better relationship, but am also in two minds as she has been the same for years so is unlikely to change. (And my DH's advice is simply to limit contact).

She has since accused me of excluding her and to some extent, my limiting of direct contact with her may make her feel that way, but I've only done so because she is really mean. (And that was pre-baby, I have no intention of excluding her from her granddaughters life at all).

I don't know whether I have been acting unreasonably and making her feel excluded, or whether I should be doing something different to build a better relationship? Or whether I am being too weak and I should just refuse to tolerate her mean behavior. My concern is that if I call out the behavior in a firm manner, all hell will break loose as generally she is unchallenged by her own family.

This has bothered me more of late specifically because my mother was attacked, usually I don't care so much when it's just nasty comments about me.

Grateful for any thoughts or advice! :D

OP posts:

DillyDilly · 03/12/2019 09:39

If she hasn’t been too nice to you, then it’s fine to limit contact. While it’s nice for children to have good relationships with grandparents, it’s not a necessity.

foamrolling · 03/12/2019 09:42

I would let your dh deal with her and make all decisions as he sounds, very sensibly, like he wants to limit contact. You've tried to be reasonable and fair with her and she's still unpleasant. I can't see what you can do to change her personality.

I have a difficult mother in law and I tried very hard in the beginning, especially when my first child was born. It made no difference and nothing was ever good enough. I gradually withdrew from most contact with her, my husband deals with her. I've never interfered or stopped her seeing the kids or him but I don't want or need her in my life really.

Elodie2019 · 03/12/2019 09:42

Your DH has suggested you both limit contact with his own mother.
Do this and let him deal with her.

Elodie2019 · 03/12/2019 09:43

He is right BTW.

Perisoire · 03/12/2019 09:44

I don’t think ‘weak’ is the right word but I think you should be firm in your resolve not to tolerate her behaviour. And you have your DH’s support. If he is saying to limit contact why are you pushing so hard for this?

rhubarbcrumbles · 03/12/2019 09:44

YANBU. Let your DH deal with it, he seems to be doing fine so far.

Boom45 · 03/12/2019 09:45

I don't think anyone that begins their relationship with their new grandchild by complaining about being excluded is ever going to be satisfied. Crack on with your life and let her winge, she'll do it anyway, however many hoops you jump through for her so don't bother with the hoops.

user1493413286 · 03/12/2019 09:45

If your DH is saying limit contact then I’d follow his advice

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/12/2019 09:50

Do as your DH suggests.

Don't make the mistake of overriding his wishes and forcing him and his family into closer contact with her. He obviously has his reasons for keeping his distance, it probably took some work to get to that stage.

Respect his wishes and stop trying to make Happy Families where they simply do not exist. You really don't need to make life hard for yourself.

flouncyfanny · 03/12/2019 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phoenixrosehere · 03/12/2019 09:57

Her son has said to limit contact, her OWN son and for obviously the right reasons. Why put up with her if you don’t have to? She keeps up with her behaviour, she’ll likely find herself with less people wanting to be around or to put up with her. She’ll only have herself to blame.

You sound lovely wanting to include her, but do you really want her behaving the way she does around your child as they get older where she will say something about your parenting and maybe even do the same to your child as she does to you if they don’t follow her?

Limit contact as your husband has suggested and enjoy this time without her ruining it with her behaviour:

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2019 09:58

Follow your husbands lead. If he agrees she is unpleasant you know you have support. Far too many men think their wives should put up with crap because they ignore bad behaviour by their parents. Good relationships with grandparents are great, but this doesn't mean you allow your child to see you treated badly. Limit contact.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/12/2019 09:59

Yet another voice saying listen to your husband. She's his DM.

Think about it. Do you want your DC growing up hearing nasty remarks directed at her DM and DGM from her other DGM? It's not going to be a loving or relaxed environment, or provide a good example.

doritosdip · 03/12/2019 10:09

Your h is right- limit contact. She's not particularly keen on you so why are you desperately trying to get her to like you?

Visiting your granddaughter is a privilege not a right. You do not have to have a good relationship with MIL! She's miserable and negative- do you want your dd hearing her criticising everything? A crap grandmother is far more damaging than no grandmother.

The grandmothers are adults and there's no need to fall over yourself to make things equal- especially when MIL is not appreciative of efforts to include her equally. You are not a referee and next time she's bleating about being left out you need to say something like she's always unhappy so why would she be included?

Definitely make sure that MIL and your mum aren't in the same room in future. Your mum must be furious at the treatment that you two got at what should be a happy time.

doritosdip · 03/12/2019 10:11

You're setting a bad example for your dd. When she's older and hears negative comments from another person do you want her to suck it up like you do or to say stop and walk away?

Littlemeadow123 · 03/12/2019 10:14

Not an unreasonably DIL at all. Despite her behaviour you are still trying to form a better relationship with her. And she has thrown it all back in your face. You have every right to limit contact and she only has herself to blame.

As others have said, she is your husband's mother. Let him take the lead on this one.

Monkeymilkshake · 03/12/2019 10:15

I would agree with people and go along with what your DH suggests. Whilst it's nice to have grand parents, I think your DD will pick up on the negative feelings when she grows up.
And it does sound like you are nice and did try and include her.

KnittingSister · 03/12/2019 10:19

It's good to have good grandparents...

diddl · 03/12/2019 10:36

Go along with your husband!

The fact that MIL is deliberately mean at all is enough.

You & your daughter don't need that-well, no one does.

How lovely that you are not being pressured to "put up & shut up".

StrayWoman · 03/12/2019 11:01

I'd send her a bullet point list of all the unkind things she has said to you since the birth. And tell her that's why you don't want to see her.

KittenMama93 · 03/12/2019 11:07

Probably not helpful but my mum dealt with the same thing with her MIL. She chose to suck it up and let it go over her head but as I got older she began to limit contact. I have since been on the other end of my grandmothers attitude and chose myself to limit my contact. My dad just says his mother is a mean woman and tells us all to just limit contact and ignore her.

Original poster

piyrwadgjl · 03/12/2019 11:10

Thanks all! This is very helpful! I certainly agree that I am setting a bad example and I think this may have been subconsciously lingering in my mind. My mum is a very passive person and never really stands up for herself and I am very similar. I tend to avoid confrontation and basically just ignore and avoid someone if they are mean, whereas I really need to call out behavior as I don't want my daughter growing up without that skill.

Most times I yield just because I want everyone to be happy and I don't want to inadvertently be unreasonable, especially when it's family, but you are all right, I should just follow my husband's lead!

Another factor is that my FIL is absolutely lovely, but is very non-confrontational, so its likely that limiting contact with my MIL will mean less contact with him as well, but I guess he's an adult and he's made a choice to be with his wife etc so there's nothing I can do.

I feel much better about what to do in future :)

OP posts:

Silentnight87 · 03/12/2019 11:39

I agree to continue limiting contact. It's good your husband sees the issue and is able to address it. I have a very similar issue with mine, but without OH support.. I confronted mine as she was coming around unannounced etc and it was too much. It did not help. She just made herself a victim and cried hysterically the whole time. I feel your situation would be similar. She won't like being called out. It didn't help the situation as my husband on seeing his mum cry backtracked hard. now I feel she got away with shitty behaviour and nothing has been truly addressed, but she "won" that confrontation.

Limit Her and try not to spend time alone with her. Do you really want your child to grow up with her behaviour, believing this is normal and how to behave. You have a choice of reducing contact, please go for it.

Confusedbeetle · 03/12/2019 11:43

Ideally if she said something unkind in front of your husband he should be the one to pick up on it and say that wasnt necessary/kind. If its a theme its up to him

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/12/2019 11:55

Invite her for a short visit during the daytime when your DH is there. If she says anything to you that is nasty, snide or combative while she is there repeat it to your DH saying "DH, did you hear what your mother just said...she said X was . What do you make of that DH?" and put the onus on him to do something about his mother and how she is behaving.
Also, you could say to her (if she keeps making these types of comments) "Do you know something MiL, you're a guest in our home at the moment and you're being very rude about X/Y/Z/whatever. Please stop being so rude. You surely must remember the saying "If you have nothing nice to say, best not to say anything at all". Right, I'm off to put the kettle on. Would you prefer tea or coffee?" and walk away. You will have made your point and she will clearly know that you're not putting up with her horrible attitude any longer.

One thing - take your lead from your DH where his parents are concerned.

Flip

1 2