AIBU as a DIL?

[piyrwadgjl]

I have recently had a baby and want to have good family relationships for her. I've always kept a distance from my MIL because she has a very competitive and combative personality that I don't enjoy. However there is no issue between us broadly and we get along at family events etc, I just have no close direct relationship with her.

I recently had a baby and she came to the hospital just after birth and saw her first moments etc alongside my own mother. I thought that including her as much as possible and sharing the birth etc would be a great new start and forge a positive relationship. Unfortunately my MIL was very combative in the hospital and said quite a few nasty snide comments to me and my mother.

Then when my DH and I took our daughter home, my MIL made a lot of snide comments about my mother staying at our house (because she wasn't staying with us, although she chose not to herself). She also criticized baby shower gifts that I had been given, and was generally quite unpleasant company.

I am at a bit of a loss. I don't think my MIL is a wholly mean person, she has her good moments, however her almost unstoppable impulse to say nasty things and 'one-up' everyone in conversations is really unpleasant. To date, I have dealt with this by just minimizing direct contact with her, however with my daughter born, I think I should form a better relationship, but am also in two minds as she has been the same for years so is unlikely to change. (And my DH's advice is simply to limit contact).

She has since accused me of excluding her and to some extent, my limiting of direct contact with her may make her feel that way, but I've only done so because she is really mean. (And that was pre-baby, I have no intention of excluding her from her granddaughters life at all).

I don't know whether I have been acting unreasonably and making her feel excluded, or whether I should be doing something different to build a better relationship? Or whether I am being too weak and I should just refuse to tolerate her mean behavior. My concern is that if I call out the behavior in a firm manner, all hell will break loose as generally she is unchallenged by her own family.

This has bothered me more of late specifically because my mother was attacked, usually I don't care so much when it's just nasty comments about me.

Grateful for any thoughts or advice! :D

my DH's advice is simply to limit contact
He knows her better than you do. Take his advice.

Yep agree with this ^ There's a bigger chance you will cause more damage to the relationship by spending more time with her if that's what she's like. I wouldn't want my child overly exposed to such a negative person either

No one needs that kind of stress when they have a new baby. And no child should grow up hearing their mother put down by a grandparent. Listen to your husband here.

Sounds similar @Silentnight78. I confronted her once and she was very defensive and said she would take it all very hard because she's always hard on herself etc. There was no consideration for the fact that I was in tears and had only given birth a few days ago. She also apologized to her son 'for this' (meaning the issue with me).

@Confusedbeetle DH is supportive but not vocally, he just ignores everything and then says he supports me afterwards. He never confronts his mother as he knows that's just her personality. I've said in future he needs to defend me, but he's so used to her that often he doesn't even notice her snide remarks. I will be more firm in future with both of them. I don't think it's healthy for this kind of thing to fester in the background.

I have the exact same issue except with my FIL rather than my MIL. He can't seem to stop himself saying horrible things to me (and everyone else), is controlling, mean and unpleasant. My MIL is the opposite. He also made unpleasant comments to me within hours of me giving birth to my ds. He's also been rude to my family over the years.

My dh is used to it after dealing with the man for years so told me to just ignore him and not take it to heart. But I don't see why I should have to ignore him or put up with his nasty comments so I've told my dh that I will be polite to his dad when I see him at events, that I will (occasionally) go for meals at his parents' house and I will allow him to see our dc, but I will not be going out of my way for him, I will not be taking the dc up to my in-laws house on my own, that my dh is responsible for facilitating the relationship between the dc and my FIL.

I have completely stepped away from him and I'm so much happier and more relaxed because of it. I do feel sorry for my MIL because she adores the dc and would love to see them everyday but I'm not prepared to be in my FIL's company on a regular basis so unfortunately this impacts her (she's always welcome at our house).

Definitely let your partner deal with her. She can visit your baby when he is there.

The key to this is that you've said you want good family relationships for your daughter. This doesn't sound like a good relationship - someone who puts both you and your mother down. You gave her an opportunity and she couldn't control herself. Why keep repeating that pattern, esp when your own DH advises against it? Basically, you can't win em all. She is unlikely to change.
But if you do continue then your DH needs to step up a bit more. You say no one challenges the mean comments, which is why she feels free to carry on doing it. They should challenge them each and every time.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yes agree. I think I've always wanted a good relationship but I need to just accept what it is, and be stronger with calling out nasty comments. (And get DH to do the same).