AIBU?
To be annoyed by my in laws
Vintagelovingmum · 02/12/2019 16:58
About 4 years ago we took in my brother in law because he was making his parents life hell by treating them badly. We then moved across the country taking him with us specifically choosing a larger house to rent so we would have room for him too, then we found out we were having a baby so found him a flat and helped him move out before we had our first. He did really well and seemed happy in his flat, he would come and visit often and would seem to be enjoying his independent life although he was still being bank rolled by his mum and dad. Then one day he turned up and told us because he hadn't allowed them in for an inspection he was being thrown out of his flat, he then just expected to move back in with us and after speaking to his parents they didn't suggest another option. Now we are here 6 months down the line and we are expecting our second so told him he has to find a real job now and a flat and he retreated in on himself, would wait until we were asleep to come downstairs and use the kitchen and eat all our food. He didn't speak to us for 4 months of that time he lived with us. Eventually my dh went into his room to try and ask him what he was planning on doing when he moved out at the end of November and he ignored both of us and wouldn't respond as well. Then dh saw that there was mould growing on the windowsill and the condensation in the room was so bad it was dripping down the walls so dh cleared his room out to try and properly clean it and told him he could find a hotel that night, he ran away,leaving everything here, the next morning and then we discovered he had flown to Amsterdam dumping his car in the airport car park and leaving us with washing that hadn't been done for 6 months. We had to go and pick the car up from the airport for his parents and they said as well that we could do his washing too. Whilst doing it the other day he had actually left his underwear in a horrific state so much so it made me physically sick. Aibu to be really annoyed that we (me and dh) are expected to do his washing and clean the mould off his suitcases he hasn't bothered cleaning for months as if he is my child according to his parents?
Apologies for the length but I haven't been able to vent this anger I have been feeling since he absconded!
FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2019 17:09
Wtf?
Sorry OP but unless your VERY swift answer to this was 'Are you for real? The piles of mouldy shit he left behind after abusing our home for months are ALREADY in the bin. We're doing him a favour, at least this way there'll be no storage fees. I don't give the faintest fuck about his car, it can catch fire for all I care and you can either pick it up yourselves or it can rot'
- then you are part of the problem!
You've done plenty. Too much.
Make it painfully clear to his parents that if they don't want to fall out with you big time, the ONLY comment required from them on this whole sorry saga is 'Thank you so much for all you did for him.'
DeathStare · 02/12/2019 17:10
Just say no?
I'm assuming he's an adult? The way you describe him he sounds very much like a teenager but given that he's lived independently once I guess he's older than that. Why are you and your PILs passing responsibility for him backwards and forwards between you? He's an adult. He's nobody else's responsibility but his own.
As @RaspberryBubblegum said, pack his stuff into his car and tell him he is no longer welcome. If you are feeling particularly generous pay for a couple of nights at a travelodge (though I wouldn't feel that generous)
lynzpynz · 02/12/2019 17:11
It's a difficult situation you're in but I too would have put the dirty washing etc. in the reclaimed car and parked it somewhere safe until he saw fit to return.
You haven't mentioned what age BIL is, is he really young? Has he got mental health issues? This certainly doesn't sound like normal behaviour for an adult who is capable of driving to the airport for pre-booked flights to Amsterdam on the face of it.
TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 02/12/2019 17:12
Put all his stuff in black sacks and return it to him - unwashed - with the address for the local launderette. If he's still in Amsterdam then bin it if his parents won't take it. You're not his maid and it's not your responsibility to clean his stuff.
Vintagelovingmum · 02/12/2019 17:21
He is 28, same age as me incidentally, which makes the whole charade more laughable that he can't seem to get his life together.
Unfortunately we are unsure if he has some sort of mental health problem but he won't accept any help in that respect and refuses to speak to anybody. The other problem we've found with him is that his behaviour can be slightly odd as he can turn this behaviour on and off so when we had a friend to stay, he was totally able to converse with him normally but he refused to talk to us
Vintagelovingmum · 02/12/2019 17:32
I suppose the reason I'm most angry is that his parents came to stay to spend some time with their granddaughter and told us they would sort it with him and get him back to them, on the day they were leaving they told us 'we haven't spoken to him but you (dh) can speak to him and convince him to come to us'
We were obviously deflated as they had said they would at least try and sort it all and then we got a snotty text from mil telling us that we only ever contact them when we want something and that she now only wants dh to contact his dad when he wants something
Selmababies · 02/12/2019 17:35
I can't believe you let someone stay in your house that wouldn't speak to you for FOUR Months!
At least you've got a very good reason for never letting him through the door stay again.
I'd have left the car at the airport personally- not your responsibility, and I certainly wouldn't be doing his washing.
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 02/12/2019 17:41
He really shouldnt be your problem OP...thats your first mistake.You should not be babysitting this individual.Time to hand back responsibility where it lays..tell the inlaws you are sorry you have tried but you just can;t sort him so its back to them to sort. Stop being the fall guy for all the disasters that befit this family. I am amazed you have lasted so long with the situation..you clearly are a better woman that I am but enough is enough now you have your own life to lead.No more make this the end.The inlaws can stop passing the buck for their offspring and sort him out. Stand your ground ..do not feel guilty you have done more than enough.
Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2019 17:49
This whole situation is mind boggling because you and your husband ALLOWED it to happen. You should have never let him live with you, you should have never let him move with you, and you should have never let him come back. As for his disgusting clothes, throw them out. He abandoned his car? So be it. That's not your problem.
FGS, take control here and tell all of your in-laws to fuck off.
DeathStare · 02/12/2019 17:58
I suppose the reason I'm most angry is that his parents came to stay to spend some time with their granddaughter and told us they would sort it with him and get him back to them, on the day they were leaving they told us 'we haven't spoken to him but you (dh) can speak to him and convince him to come to us
We were obviously deflated as they had said they would at least try and sort it all and then we got a snotty text from mil telling us that we only ever contact them when we want something and that she now only wants dh to contact his dad when he wants something
OK.... so I don't really blame your ILs for this. Obviously its not wonderfully helpful to you, but then your BIL is an adult and they can't make him do anything either.
Both you and your DH, and your PILs need to stop shunting responsibility for him backwards and forwards as if you are two sets of divorced parents and he is your badly behaved teenage child. Don't phone your ILs to complain about him or to ask them what to do with him - he's not their problem. Just pack his stuff and put it out. What happens to him next is up to him.
countdowntochristmas · 02/12/2019 18:00
Yeah he may have mental health issues/ autism / a drug problem etc but the fact your ils expect you to sort him out after all the help you've given him and the cheek to say that you only contact them when you want something. I don't know why you didn't just bin his filthy washing if it was that bad ,he clearly didn't want it same with the car . I'm not sure why you were bothered he's gone that's what you wanted . Tell your in-laws your done now and change the locks do not let him in again .
DeathStare · 02/12/2019 18:01
they need to step up .hes their son
Why do they need to step up? He's a fully grown adult living independently from them. He treated them badly (as the OP says) and they have obviously set a boundary that he isn't living with them and treating them badly again.
The OP and her DH need to both put their foot down with BIL. But he isn't his parents responsibility to sort out.
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