To be annoyed by my in laws

[Vintagelovingmum]

About 4 years ago we took in my brother in law because he was making his parents life hell by treating them badly. We then moved across the country taking him with us specifically choosing a larger house to rent so we would have room for him too, then we found out we were having a baby so found him a flat and helped him move out before we had our first. He did really well and seemed happy in his flat, he would come and visit often and would seem to be enjoying his independent life although he was still being bank rolled by his mum and dad. Then one day he turned up and told us because he hadn't allowed them in for an inspection he was being thrown out of his flat, he then just expected to move back in with us and after speaking to his parents they didn't suggest another option. Now we are here 6 months down the line and we are expecting our second so told him he has to find a real job now and a flat and he retreated in on himself, would wait until we were asleep to come downstairs and use the kitchen and eat all our food. He didn't speak to us for 4 months of that time he lived with us. Eventually my dh went into his room to try and ask him what he was planning on doing when he moved out at the end of November and he ignored both of us and wouldn't respond as well. Then dh saw that there was mould growing on the windowsill and the condensation in the room was so bad it was dripping down the walls so dh cleared his room out to try and properly clean it and told him he could find a hotel that night, he ran away,leaving everything here, the next morning and then we discovered he had flown to Amsterdam dumping his car in the airport car park and leaving us with washing that hadn't been done for 6 months. We had to go and pick the car up from the airport for his parents and they said as well that we could do his washing too. Whilst doing it the other day he had actually left his underwear in a horrific state so much so it made me physically sick. Aibu to be really annoyed that we (me and dh) are expected to do his washing and clean the mould off his suitcases he hasn't bothered cleaning for months as if he is my child according to his parents?
Apologies for the length but I haven't been able to vent this anger I have been feeling since he absconded!

[billy1966]

OP, the question is why would you allow yourself to be treated like this and why in God's name would you touch his stuff.

As others have said, dump his belongings.

And as for your in-laws....they saw you coming.

Your MIL has some cheek.

[MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet]

You need to set some boundaries. Being family isn't code for 'walk all over people'. Even if he has learning or emotional difficulties, that doesn't mean he's your responsibility. I would have binned all his belongings or shoved them in the car, certainly not washed anything.

I don't know how old he is (sorry if I missed it) but it doesn't do him any favours to be his servant and enable him to be a man-child. My brother, aged 40, is still living with my parents, having his clothes washed for him, his meals provided for him, and being totally dependent emotionally on them so I appreciate the challenge.

[VanyaHargreeves]

Forget your PILs change your locks and make sure your CF BIL doesn't cross your threshold again. If he ends up struggling as a result he may finally attract the attention of the services he desperately needs.

I can't believe you didn't bin the underwear!

[OldEvilOwl]

He's gone now so just make sure you never let him back in. How old is he?

[Clangus00]

Put all his stuff in his car and park it at his parents. Change your locks. Forget about him.

[StrayWoman]

Eh? He's 28, don't do his washing! Bag all of his manky shit up into black liners and put it in the shed until he collects it.

Why have you been entertaining this nonsense for so long?

[Notverygrownup]

You've done brilliantly OP. You looked after him and helped him to be independent - or almost.

Clearly the issues go back a long way. Maybe it all started because he was treating his parents badly or maybe he has mental health issues that weren't treated/understood. My heart breaks for someone who is written off, but you have done so much and it hasn't helped.

I hope that you find a way of getting a message to him. You don't have to put up with his washing, nor him treating your home so badly, but you may want to wish him well and to hope that he is able to make a new start . . . . He sounds desperately unhappy to me.

[frazzledasarock]

Please say you have bagged up and chucked all his belongings into his car as you found them.

Do not do his manky laundry or clean any of his shit.
He’s clearly unbothered by mould and shit on his clothes. Why are you acting as his unpaid skivvy?

[BeginningToLookLikeChristmas]

It sounds like you and your DH have been too accommodating and accepting while trying to be kind.

I wouldn't clean any of his belongings, dependent instead I would take anything damp etc to the dump and if possible bill him at a later date for any damage to the room. If your landlord inspects the property you all could be evicted for his negligence over the bedroom

It's not your PiLs responsibility to clean or store the belongings of a 28 year old

[Vintagelovingmum]

Thank you everybody! Safe to say the underwear went straight in the bin along with a lot of his things that hadn't been washed for months and a lot of his other things are going to the charity shop
Car will be loaded up when we've got a free second to clear our house of everything, unfortunately his parents are pretty far away and the car doesn't have an mot so dropping it off at his parents won't work yet! The mot should be the last thing we have to sort and then he's out of our hair until we go and visit the in laws next (not sure how keen my dh is on that at the moment though)

[DeathStare]

Don't sort the MOT!!!! He's an adult. The MOT is not your problem. Don't take stuff to the charity stuff either - that's also not your problem and you are just leaving yourself open to accusations you got rid of his stuff. Just dump his stuff in the car and leave it there.

[MissEliza]

Op why should you be sorting out the MOT?

[Singlenotsingle]

He totally isn't your responsibility, OP. Neither is he his parents' responsibility. He's a grown-up. Chuck all his stuff in the bin. He won't want it anyway.

[Grumpelstilskin]

Just have the car scrapped/leave it. If your Inlaws are that bothered, they can sort it out.

[BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail]

Why do you have to sort the MOT? Move car on to road and either tell ILs to have it towed to theirs or text ILs to say it’s on road and you have reported it to DVLA as untaxed vehicle. If BIL ends up with no car because HE dumped it then that’s his look out. If you aren’t a registered keeper or owner you need if off your hands as there’s nothing you can do with it - least of all get it MOTed.

(Tbh I would drive it un-MOTed back to them and hope not to be stopped but understand most wouldn’t.)

Change the locks put this all out of your mind and don’t get involved anymore.

Bil turns this behaviour on and off because you all tolerate it. Might be good for him to get exactly no reaction to his antics and the have to come home and sort the consequences himself.

[Spitsandspots]

Is no one worried about him?

He has no job, he stayed in his room all day -only coming out at night when you were asleep-and has now vanished to Amsterdam.

What money does he have? Is he likely to be on the freezing streets?

I totally understand why you have had enough of him but he doesn’t sound as if he is able to function particularly well. I would be concerned that he will end up in the bottom of the canal. He’s unwanted by everyone-does he have any friends at all?

I’m not offering him a room btw

[DeathStare]

Move car on to road and either tell ILs to have it towed to theirs or text ILs to say it’s on road and you have reported it to DVLA as untaxed vehicle

Don't text the ILs! That's how this cycle carries on - OP texts the ILs to get them to deal with it. ILs text OP/DH to get them to deal with it. Text the BIL! It's his problem not anyone else's. If he doesn't deal with it, that's his problem.

[wowfudge]

What aren't you telling us about him OP? There must be something which leads you to want your ILs to step up and look after a 28 year old. If he can book a flight to Amsterdam he's capable of doing things independently and he clearly has some money.

[Vintagelovingmum]

Not much to say about him other than he has expected people to look after him all this time and never thank them for It, he's capable of lots of things and has some money saved but he just won't help himself at all
When we told him he had to move out he did nothing to look for another flat and told us 'everything would work out in the end' because that is his mantra, throughout his 28 yrs he has always been rescued at one stage or another so doesn't see the need in trying anymore. This was enough for me and dh but obviously his parents have now taken over again and they are now talking about getting him serious help
Basically when left to his own devices he would have not sorted anything out and ended up living in his car at the end of our road

[DeathStare]

Basically when left to his own devices he would have not sorted anything out and ended up living in his car at the end of our road

Then you all need to just let him do that.

[wowfudge]

Yes, I agree. If his attitude is always to let someone else sort things out for him then he won't change unless you change and stop doing things for him.

If he doesn't have any special needs or a diagnosis which explains his behaviour, he's just lazy because everyone around him has let him be.

[MatildaTheCat]

I agree with @spitsandspots .Nobody lives in such extreme isolation and squalid circumstances unless they have significant issues.

Not saying you have to deal with it, OP and you’ve tried but he needs serious help. DH should be talking to his parents to agree some sort of plan even if it’s as little as regular phone calls and encouragement to seek help from professionals.

Awful for you but a really sad situation.

[Nanny0gg]

So is there some form of mental illness or LD? Or has he just been infantilised?