To consider withdrawing DD from school performances next term

[eachbeach]

DD now in year 1, dislikes any form of performance. This has been evident since she was 3 when she did ballet. It's continued in nursery and now at school. She has about two assemblies and a term end performance. She doesn't seem anxious in the lead up and seems to enjoy the prep, but as soon as she's in the little stage in front of an audience she chews her hand/ sleeve, looks teary and doesn't participate.

Has anyone else law got experience of this ? She has form for shutting down when she feels she is the focus of attention but this has got much better. I've thought about withdrawing her from the actual performance but there's so much prep that that would be hard practically and she seems to enjoy that bit. School are supportive and have given her a part where she speaks with others, but I dread these events. I think I need to suck it up and be supportive, but interested to hear how anyone else manages this.

Does it bother her? Is she anxious in the build up? If not, I'd let her work away, keep working with the school and try building her confidence in different ways.

I think you are focussing too much on her in the performance. If you look at the other kids you'll find about 50% of them look teary/ don't participate! It's just a gradual way of getting them used to performing or speaking in public etc and if she's not anxious in the run up I wouldn't worry.

Does it bother her? Or just you.

My DD enjoys practising, is also given a part to do with more confident friends as she speaks quietly. She looks sad before she’s done her bit but once she’s spoken you can see the relief and she’s very happy with herself. She wouldn’t want to be pulled out even though she admits how nervous she is.

I think it’s important to let her do these things. If she’s not upset about it then I’d let her carry on.

Totally agree with simkin. I used to hate watching my ds at school concerts because he looked so miserable. But now he eagerly performs solos. Your dd is still really little, it’s natural for her to feel uncertain on stage, but it’s important for her to develop the skills to at least tolerate it.

It's a bit PFB isn't it?

I hated PE at school and Art. Oddly enough my feelings on the matter didn't alter the need for me to do them.

Ds1 used to sit there looking angry but in y4 found his confidence and started to get cast as lead/main characters. He wouldn't sing solo but he'd happily and confidently perform on stage much to my shock.

Ds2 didn't even bother mouthing the songs but would sit still looking awkward and bored. In secondary they don't do this sort of thing unless the kids join voluntarily so it's fine. We skipped a few evening performances if he was in the choir but if his presence would be missed (he was a shepherd one year) then he had to suck it up

My DD was like this. Right from nursery if there was a performance for parents she would be the one sitting on the teachers lap, sobbing her eyes out and hiding her face. She was the same in Reception, not too bad in y1, but in y2 she was one of about 15 narrators and she had a line to say. Both me and her teacher asked her several times if she was sure she wanted a speaking part but she was determined. On both performances she stood up, clearly petrified and shaking like a leaf, but she said her line loudly and clearly. I was so so proud of her! Now she's in keystage 2 they don't do nativities anymore, they just do a carol concert so she's relieved about that.

I would ask the teacher to give her one of the "background" parts, perhaps where she doesn't even have to speak. If you withdraw her completely you risk making it even more of an issue with all her classmates asking why she isn't doing it.

Unless the performances are causing serious anxiety issues for your dd - which I didn't really pick up from your OP - then I think you should let her do it and work through any nerves.

If you take her out, you are sending two very clear messages to your dd. One is that you don't think she can do it.The second is that it's ok to avoid facing stuff that we find difficult. I don't think either of those messages are helpful. Children need to learn perseverance and resilience through repeatedly having a go at things which don't come easily to them. Hopefully, each time will become a little easier, and your dd will become a little stronger and more confident.

Of course, if you're talking about the kind of anxiety which might have a long term impact on her mental health, you'd want to approach it differently, but a few nerves/tears are just something to be faced.

I hated performing in school - and I still hate it to this day. I always tried to get out of prize giving or anything similar. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming (not literally) to my own university graduation as my parents wanted me to go and I'd have happily just received it in the post.

I have forced myself professionally to do presentations and such - but thats the limit of it.

If she genuinely hates it, please do not force her to do it. I'll never forget being made to be in school performances.

I wouldn't withdraw her either (even if the school said you could). Part of all the way through growing up is learning that sometimes we have to get through things we'd prefer we didnt have to do.
Being able to speak in front of others is such an important and valuable skill as an adult - don't give up on her while she is still just beginning to learn this skill.

My dd has been the same. With dance, choir, and plays, excited about upcoming events, then on the day of performance, just point blank refusing to do it 🤷‍♀️

Couple of weeks ago, she had a speaking role in a play, I went, and looked at her, she shook her head and started to cry, but when her turn came, she did it!! And she was soooooo overjoyed with herself. Its given her a massive boost.
So unless it's really upsetting her, I'd just let her work through it.

My dd was like this at the start of primary school, just chewed her clothes and looked stressed.
Start of secondary school and she is doing a singing recital in a couple of weekends.
It is a really positive thing if dc can learn to be confident on a stage. A huge range of jobs have speaking in public and training as part of them. Being a confident public communicator is a great life advantage.

It's a bit PFB isn't it?

I've not seen that mean spirited put down on MN for years.

I think you need to leave it to the school, they will be encouraging her to overcome fear rather than withdrawing her.

I give presentations ALL the time at work. I don’t like doing it. It’s part and parcel of a career that I love - I’ll take the rough with the smooth, it’s worth getting through presentations to have everything else I enjoy about the job.

I don’t chew my sleeve, but at 53 years old I still have my own displays of nerves - talking too fast, needing to hold a pen so my hands aren’t nervously clasped together...

It sounds like all she has are transient, manageable nerves. No anxiety before, no upset afterwards. Please don’t take away her opportunity to learn to either get past them, or live with them.

Incidentally, my Y3 was too scared to audition (and audition is very low key!) for Xmas play. In Y4, she was one of the lead speaking roles, with a very short singing solo too.

They change so much - don’t make this worse by confirming to her so young that she can’t do it, by removing her.

@MatildeHidalgo then presumably this is the first time you’ve logged on in years!!

Nope - I've been here daily for donkeys years.

PFB is literally used daily on here

Where does it stop, though? Performance is in the curriculum (in English) so it is statutory. What if she loathes swimming or finds learning to read stressful or tears up when learning her times tables? Primary school is about acquiring the building blocks, not picking and choosing. What is the teacher supposed to do with her when performing a poem, say, is being taught to the class?

It's the very things children find most challenging that they need support and encouragement with, not being pulled out of.

I guess she found balancing and walking tricky at first but presumably you didn't decide she should be excused that?

She may never be a natural, but she will acquire enough skills with support and practice to get by. Who knows what she night need to stand up and speak her piece about as a teen and adult? Why would you arrange to leave her mute and vulnerable?

I was just like her. As an adult, I sing solos and love performing. Its been a very gradual process of learning to handle nerves and discovering that doing things in front of people is ok. I would focus on (hopefully) helping her gradually learn to handle it, in the hope that it becomes a really useful life skill.

If you pull her out of performances she's likely to draw the conclusion that it is because she can't do it - it's not an empowering message for her.
Obviously it's not easy to see your dc looking uncomfortable but I think she'll learn more from doing the performances and hearing you tell her how brave she was to do it and how proud you are of her than by being excluded.

PFB is thrown about all the time on posts about parenting.
I would encourage your DD to do it, the more she does it, the easier it will become. Don’t make a big thing out of it.

I'd just keep encouraging her.
DD2 started off very nervous and anxious looking when on stage, but over the years grew in confidence, and is now doing drama GCSE.

My DSgenerally looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights during performances (school and drama) until about year 5. It did gradually get better though!. I think a lot of them are like that ; you do get one or two in each class that are very confident and don't mind standing up in front of a crowd from the start though!
In Year 7 he took part in a weekend acting/drama workshop with 2 hr concert at the end with an professional touring company and loved it. Now in year 9 he is never going to be terribly thrilled at being on stage (ie centre of attention) but he loves the stuff surrounding it and being part of a team and now realises that he is going to actually survive the experience!