To consider withdrawing DD from school performances next term

[eachbeach]

DD now in year 1, dislikes any form of performance. This has been evident since she was 3 when she did ballet. It's continued in nursery and now at school. She has about two assemblies and a term end performance. She doesn't seem anxious in the lead up and seems to enjoy the prep, but as soon as she's in the little stage in front of an audience she chews her hand/ sleeve, looks teary and doesn't participate.

Has anyone else law got experience of this ? She has form for shutting down when she feels she is the focus of attention but this has got much better. I've thought about withdrawing her from the actual performance but there's so much prep that that would be hard practically and she seems to enjoy that bit. School are supportive and have given her a part where she speaks with others, but I dread these events. I think I need to suck it up and be supportive, but interested to hear how anyone else manages this.

This was my DD1.

Don't make a big deal of it.

Let her join in.

Give her some encouragement and support.

Don't worry about what everyone else's child is doing.

Or what your mates think.

Or what the well-meaning grandparents think.

FWIW DD1 is now very happy standing up and doing things in public.

She's never going to throw herself into the limelight but she loves getting involved, on her terms, now she's 14.

Enjoy those lovely, stuttering, scary moments.

Your DD is me 30+ years ago. A natural introvert, I loved the build up and prep but come performance day I felt sick with nerves and hated being the centre of attention. Looking back, I’m glad i participated as I learned new coping mechanisms each time. I now have a career that requires me to speak and present publicly on a frequent basis (not what I started off doing but my skill set grew into something that required me to present my results to large groups). I still get nerves every time but I now am relatively good at channelling that into my “performance” and as a result, I ended up pretty good at it!
I think lots of reassurance, encouragement and helping her with her coping mechanisms will help...I wouldn’t withdraw her but tell her you were proud of her and let her find her own way.

There was a child like this in my dc's year.
In year R and year 1 they did as you described.
In year 2 they curled into a ball and didn't look at the audience, but said their line from the ball.
In year 6 they were able to stand at the front with a smile and deliver their line beautifully.

If they'd been withdrawn in year 1 they'd never have done it.

different to a few other posters.and so i think its something you need to look at because only you know your daughter.
had the same problems.and it continued but she couldnt ever shared it and becuase her mum kept putting her into them she through he had to.hated it.started gettign belly ahces every performance.then every sunday night beofre school.became a perfectionist.and nervous and anxious kid.still couldnt tell anyone.
then MH problems very severely and this kind of stuff stayed with her.its more than just dread it was a real problem.
but that is just one example from the other side.from pp replys it seems its normal for most children to feel this way and they get through it via learning and living it.this stuff is all new to them after all.so perhaps just keep talking to her and reasuring her but be aware some children cant do it and there are other things going on.

My DD was the same, even enjoyed rehearsals to an extent, then proper stage fright on the day when all the parents were there looking at her.

She still doesn't relish an audience, but at 13 has just sung a solo as Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol. If asked, she would say she loves the process so much it makes the actual performances worthwhile. Taking part in things like concerts, plays etc and really helped her grow in confidence.

Use it as an opportunity for her to tolerate uncomfortable scenarios occasionally. It’s fine to not enjoy the limelight but sometimes we still have to do these things.

And she hasn’t even asked you to interfere... So don’t. Praise her afterwards and remember it’s part of her education.

Leaving aside the "should you", how would you? You can't withdraw your daughter from a performance unless it's after school and you just don't take her I suppose. You can't withdraw her from whatever she does at school - unless all the performances are religious and you withdraw her on religious grounds.

I'm a ks1 teacher. There are one or two children like this in every class. I wouldn't withdraw her, just let the teacher know to give her a small part and that she may not want to participate on the day but she can still take part in the practices. If you withdraw her completely, she won't get the chance to build up her confidence.

I think it’s important for children to learn they can tolerate being a bit nervous, and to be able to cope with performing in public. She doesn’t sound overly distressed and may enjoy all of the preparation and rehearsals.

There’s a child in my DC school who gets very very distressed, crying and needs a lot of adult support to be on stage, tbh if she were mine I would have withdrawn her because of the state she ends up in but that does sound like what you’re describing for your daughter.

I wouldn’t withdraw her. Both of my dad’s were the same, dd1 is now doing GCSE and still struggles but has to cope when doing things like English speaking and German speaking tests (she did one today), things like school plays are good practice for this kind of thing, it just takes some kids longer to be comfortable doing it. She obviously likes the practicing and the lead up to it so I would stick with it.

“DD’s” not dads

Ah thanks everyone. Nice to know that others have this. It's so hard watching her but DH did the morning performance and she was worse. I got her to smile a couple of times today by chewing my hands too. I don't think it causes anxiety outside of the actual performance so we'll keep going. I had managed myself a bit better today so wasn't too bad.

But to answer the PFB point. Maybe it is. DD has some other challenges and I worry about her much more than my other two. But then you do whatever you can to make sure your children are supported but not spoilt. I don't think any parent finds that this is an easy line to walk. We've also found some things that she really enjoys outside of school (not ballet ever again!) which help.

It's a good way for her to see that things that make her anxious don't kill her. If you withdraw her from it next year, she might think that it must be really really dangerous to feel nervous, and you get a bigger problem on your hands.
Plus, next year, she'll basically be a different person and maybe won't be as nervous looking on stage anyway.

It’s not dangerous OP, its a school play, it’s just a tiny bit of pressure, which we’re mentally built to deal with. She’ll only improve with her nerves if you act nonchalant and carry on as normal.
Taking her out of this, when everyone else in her class is participating, Will single her out and you’ll cause more problems for her - it’ll become self fulfilling.

I don't think it sends her a particularly good message if her mum pulls her out of anything she doesn't like doing.

In most situations people can't just avoid everything they're not particularly keen on. It's part of learning life skills to be able to get on and do something even if it's challenging.

She managed to be "on stage" despite being anxious - praise her for it and build her confidence for next time :) I don't think withdrawing her will be in her best interests.

If she does it and does well, she'll feel absolutely amazing and it'll build her confidence no end.
If she does it and fluffs it, there may be some tears but they'll be quickly forgotten and her character will be built a little more.
If she doesn't do it, she'll miss out on the fun of the run-up, will lose the chance to nail it, and will learn to run from challenges rather than face them.
She has to do it. I understand completely you want to protect her from it OP, but this world is going to throw things at her and she has to learn to face her fears. Shielding kids from emotional discomfort doesn't help them in the long run.

My DD2 is so like this that I had to do a double take when I read the OP. We are also wondering how to deal with the next production. For those who think it’s just a bit of nerves & fluffing a line - it’s not. We’ve had freezing on stage which then disrupted the other children she was dancing with. And then last time refusing to go on stage and getting so hysterical when ‘encouraged’ that she had to be taken out of the hall.
Like the OPs dd, she enjoys the practice, but I’m worried that repeatedly setting her up to fail is going to make her worse, not better. Would it be better to take the pressure off for now & wait until she’s a bit older? She enjoys ‘show & tell’ in her classroom, so I’m hopeful that she will get over it eventually- but is that by pushing her or letting her opt out for now & take it at her own pace? For what it’s worth, her teacher is quite keen on not having to try and manage her as well as keeping all the other kids on track!

Teachers are generally well aware of children who will or won't want to perform. I'd leaver her to it, OP. Don't draw attention to it, just praise her when she's done her show, even if she freezes!
BTW, what's PFB?