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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non-confrontational people

71 replies

Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 11:11

I have realised that I am becoming increasingly irritated by a specific brand of non-confrontational person that seems to be unable to deal with any kind of disagreement in a mature or effective way. Their reluctance to confront a situation can just lead to the other parties involved doing all the work to resolve an issue and having to coax the non-confrontational person to actually engage in the process of resolution can be incredibly frustrating.

I guess the thing that really winds me up is these people view their non-confrontational nature as a positive and as a sign that they are just too "nice" to engage in disagreements. This would be easier to accept if the same people weren't engaging in passive aggressive behaviour or weren't busy trying to characterise the people actually trying to sort the issue out as the bad guys and themselves as the victims.

So AIBU to say that actually being non-confrontational isn't a positive trait and sometimes it's essential that everyone is able to confront issues or deal with disagreements when the needs arises?

OP posts:
Hingeandbracket · 02/12/2019 11:13

YABVU why do you want to force everyone to be like you?

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:13

Do you think there's a difference between people being deliberately passive-aggressive and genuinely non-confrontational?

My view is that the two methods of dealing with situations are not mutually exclusive.

stophuggingme · 02/12/2019 11:16

I agree with you OP
In my experience of this sort of thing the non confrontational people are not really being nice they are putting their heads in the sand or washing their hands.
Confronting a person or situation doesn’t have to be done in an aggressive manner

littlepaddypaws · 02/12/2019 11:17

sometimes we all have to confront problems be it people or otherwise, there is no need to be passive agressive, that's just dickish.
i find that politeness to start often works, then i become firmer about it.
i try not to let a situation spin out of control but i will stand my ground.

ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 11:18

Non-confrontational - well I think most people are, aren’t they? No point ‘calling things out’ for the sake of it.

What I can’t bear are all the posts on here from the wettest of wet hens in the known universe - “I can’t ask my neighbour to collect their parcels or just stop taking them in, I hate confrontation”. I get that some people have issues that might influence this but it’s doing no one any good to say yes to everything to the detriment of all else because you don’t like confrontation.

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:19

I think there's a huge difference between being a wet lettuce and being passive-aggressive, though.

littlepaddypaws · 02/12/2019 11:19

meant to say a lot of dp or dh's on here seem to step back and are relaxed about problems whereas women are more likely to have the balls to get things sorted out. we are wired differently though.

TabbyMumz · 02/12/2019 11:20

It depends entirely on what the situation is and who the people involved are. In my experience, confrontational people are out of line and rude. Often someone being passive aggressive can be just as annoying though.

thecatsthecats · 02/12/2019 11:21

In my experience, the many confrontational people see 'having it out' as an opportunity to a) get their own way, b) get attention or c) have an argy-bargy air clearing which is their way of feeling better about the situation.

For two people with matching personalities, that's no bad thing. They'll both feel better for airing their differences.

But when you force someone else to deal with things your way, you put them in a highly uncomfortable position in order to achieve YOUR ends. You also put the non-confrontational person on the back foot, AND it often creates an unfair 'equalness' to the arguments.

(my sister does this - 'I'll apologise for this if you apologise for that' - except fuck off, because what you did was incredibly twatty, and what I 'did' was to get discretely upset about you being twatty... Hmm)

People aren't easily changed, and frankly there are billions of them available for friendship. If someone wrongs me, I simply unilaterally redraw the boundaries of our relationship and crack on investing my time and energy in the nice ones.

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:21

Have you got a specific scenario in mind at the moment, OP?

If you're dealing with someone who won't engage because they claim to be non-confrontational, and you're getting the raw end of the deal as a result, I can see why you'd be pissed off.

TabbyMumz · 02/12/2019 11:22

I dont know why you think people "need to engage in disagreements" though. Sounds like a drama queen wanting a drama and the fact that someone is walking away from it is annoying her?

turnthebiglightoff · 02/12/2019 11:23

If everyone in the world was a confrontational person it would be very, very shit. YABVU. I say this as someone who is al OST gleefully confrontational at times.

Damntheman · 02/12/2019 11:24

I used to have a friend who took non-confrontational to a really special level. I never lost my temper or yelled at her, but if I'd noticed she'd gone quiet for a few days and I'd ask if I'd done something wrong she'd deny it until she was blue in the face. I'd then hear from a mutual friend that she was upset with me for XY and Z so I'd go back to her and GENTLY try to talk it through and iron out any misunderstanding. She'd deny it again, til she was blue in the face. It was incredibly frustrating. I couldn't solve any issues or resolve any dissonances with her because she'd refuse to engage at all.

Now, people who deliberately don't engage in aggressive behaviour? Those I can respect and enjoy. But people who are non-confrontational to the extent that they can't even engage in a gentle conversation in order to resolve issues? No that's not helpful at all.

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:24

If someone wrongs me, I simply unilaterally redraw the boundaries of our relationship and crack on investing my time and energy in the nice ones

I do this, too.

It is much easier just to cut people who are draining for whatever reason, right out of the equation (and my life).

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 02/12/2019 11:28

I think it's very common for people to dislike confrontation. If you grew up in a family where any kind of conflict escalated until it felt like the sky would fall down, that's a hard habit to break. But I wouldn't see that as a virtue or anything to do with niceness. Most people I know who aren't assertive want to change. YANBU about passive-agressive behaviour though, which is just shit and unforgivable imo.

Obligatorync · 02/12/2019 11:29

I think there is a huge difference between genuinely non-confrontational people (of whom I've met a few) and the sort of passive aggressive shit stirrers you describe (of whom I've met many).
It can be very hard for genuinely non-confrontational people to speak up for themselves. In some cases they'd rather take on all kinds of crap than cause trouble for others or cause any kind of drama. They could be unusually empathetic, or just not know how to do it.
It does sometimes then fall on supposedly neutral outsiders to step in (for example if someone observes bullying at work).

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:29

I voted YABU to start with, but upon reflection I have changed to YANBU, as I recognise that old foe, my ex-husband, in the "non-confrontational" individual who persistently refused to engage in any form of healthy dialogue with me (or with our Relate counsellor).

That was twenty three years ago and I am so glad that we split up.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2019 11:32

Hmmm. I'm fairly non confrontational but a lot of things that bother other people just dont bother me. Things like taking in parcels for neighbours, people parking infront of my house, I just dont really care

thecatsthecats · 02/12/2019 11:35

It is much easier just to cut people who are draining for whatever reason, right out of the equation (and my life).

It's not even always about cutting people out.

If someone's always crap with money and paying people back for example, I just make sure I'm never in a situation where she could owe me money. Or another friend who is always late. I either meet her somewhere where there's a fixed appointment, or I plan for a bit of self-entertaining when I get there.

ILs are all TERRIBLE gift givers. But I'm not entitled to receive brilliant gifts, so I just consider it part of my charitable contribution for the year that their awfully-chosen but expensive gifts help someone else.

thecatsthecats · 02/12/2019 11:39

In some cases they'd rather take on all kinds of crap than cause trouble for others or cause any kind of drama.

Yes, I suppose the difference with my brand of non-confrontation is that it's because I have zero interest in managing someone else's personality for them, and I'm CERTAINLY not worrying about them getting their needs fulfilled or everything being fair!

I don't consider it worth my time to confront people, mostly.

Stooshie8 · 02/12/2019 11:41

It''s two questions.
Is it ok to be non-confrontational - yes
Is it ok to be non-confrontational and expect someone else to sort it for you - no

Livpool · 02/12/2019 11:45

I am very laidback and lots of things that seem to bother some people just don't register as a source of upset to me.

People are just different

TowelNumber42 · 02/12/2019 11:54

Non-confrontational because you genuinely don't care about the issue either way, no problem. We are all like that on many topics.

Non-confrontational when you do care and do have an opinion but refuse to say it or argue your case. Then because you do care, you go around whining and whinging about how awful it all is and how everyone else is doing wrong things and why don't they just magically know to do things the way you wish they were done, which is obviously right, but you won't say it to them only to everyone else That's what I cannot stand. Tarting up two-facedness as being too nice.

churchandstate · 02/12/2019 11:55

It depends on the circumstances, doesn’t it? Some things aren’t worth the time.

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 11:55

Is it ok to be non-confrontational and expect someone else to sort it for you - no

I think Stooshie8 has summed it up very neatly.