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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non-confrontational people

71 replies

Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 11:11

I have realised that I am becoming increasingly irritated by a specific brand of non-confrontational person that seems to be unable to deal with any kind of disagreement in a mature or effective way. Their reluctance to confront a situation can just lead to the other parties involved doing all the work to resolve an issue and having to coax the non-confrontational person to actually engage in the process of resolution can be incredibly frustrating.

I guess the thing that really winds me up is these people view their non-confrontational nature as a positive and as a sign that they are just too "nice" to engage in disagreements. This would be easier to accept if the same people weren't engaging in passive aggressive behaviour or weren't busy trying to characterise the people actually trying to sort the issue out as the bad guys and themselves as the victims.

So AIBU to say that actually being non-confrontational isn't a positive trait and sometimes it's essential that everyone is able to confront issues or deal with disagreements when the needs arises?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 12:15

I think managing and resolving conflict and disagreements is a life kill and being non-confrontational is basically admitting that you have no interest in having or working on this skill.

There are some situations that need to be confronted and dealt with. It isn't always preferable or even possible to just ignore a problem or simply cut a person out of your life. Such a policy could lead to problems festering and lots of friends and relatives becoming estranged due to issues that could be resolved if only everyone was prepared to put the work in and confront the issue.

I'm not saying that everybody needs to become super confrontational and tackle all disagreements head on. Of course pragmatism needs to be exercised and some things aren't worth it or are escalated by doing this. However to declare yourself to be completely non-confrontational is such a cop out and ultimately will adversely affect other people.

OP posts:
SheOfManyNames · 02/12/2019 12:15

Most things are not worth arguing over anyway.
Some people genuinely have no time for petty things.

HarrietTheFly · 02/12/2019 12:18

I don't like the type of people who create trouble over minor things that didn't need a fuss. On the other hand I also know a different type of person who won't engage in anything "negative". Sometimes there are genuine problems that need to be sorted out and it is far more negative to bury your head in the sand and pretend things are ok rather than take a proactive approach and deal with them.

TheMustressMhor · 02/12/2019 12:24

The more I think about this, and especially after reading your update, OP, the more I fully agree with you.

Original poster
Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 12:26

I also dislike it when non-confrontational people characterise any kind of confrontation as an act of aggression. You can confront situations without it becoming aggressive or nasty.

I do have specific examples in mind and the common thread in them all is that the non-confrontational person has a preference to deal with conflict through just withdrawing totally or dealing with it through others (colleagues, friends, teacher) often in the form of bitching or secretive complaints designed to turn people against the other party.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 02/12/2019 12:37

@SheOfManyNames

“I have no time for petty things”
I might be wrong but I am pretty sure the OP isn’t talking about petty things.
Your comment is a bit patronising as you are implying that people shouldn’t get worked up over little things when the thing might in fact not be little at all.

My ex has an entire family full of people who apparently “hate confrontation and just want a quiet life” but who seem to have such low moral standards that they are practically potholing. I was told on many an occasion I was “losing my temper and people don’t like it” when I was upset with their son and asking for help regarding his abysmal behaviour towards me: his drinking was apparently “him being sociable” his leaving me ill and pregnant with a toddler for a stag do was because “ his friends are important too” or that he worked hard to provide for his family whilst really they were perfectly aware he was being financially controlling and emotionally abusive.

They are quite proud of these facts. They don’t like scenes. But they were not bothered about any of the above whereas my family regularly tired to intervene and help

As I see it and have bitter experience firsthand of this being non confrontational is sometimes just sheer emotional laziness and self absorption.

Original poster
Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 12:54

@stophuggingme
As I see it and have bitter experience firsthand of this being non confrontational is sometimes just sheer emotional laziness and self absorption
I have known a slightly similar situation and think people's failure to confront the issue was actually a bit of self preservation. Lots of people actually calculate that they are better off not tackling a situation if it is someone else that's being detrimented by allowing it to continue.

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 12:57

A lot of these things I don’t think of confrontation at all Confused

It’s not having an argument to say to a neighbour that you won’t be taking in their parcels again. It’s also not confrontational to not tell them but also just refuse at the door - but at least it’s addressing the issue! It’s those that won’t say anything but also continue accepting parcels because they don’t want to upset the neighbours that I don’t get.

Obviously I’m running low on examples today Grin

stophuggingme · 02/12/2019 12:58

I think there is definitely some self preservation which exacerbates my dim view of it I’m afraid!

Tensixtysix · 02/12/2019 13:00

I'm not confrontational, but if I was forced I'd more likely give people a smack in the mouth.
So I don't confront...for their own safety.

stophuggingme · 02/12/2019 13:02

@ActualHornist I agree.

I think some people who can’t be arsed or just not capable of / inclined to invest any energy or commitment to another person’s feelings / scenario mistake decisiveness or clear communication or just being appropriately assertive as being mardy or arsey or difficult. When they are not.

ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 13:03

A good example of non-confrontational on this thread if the OP wasn’t intending to address it.

The irritating ‘I don’t like conflict’ person would just roll over and accept the rude person at their wedding because ‘maybe she’s had a bad day and upset because she’s single’.

I must stress the OP isn’t doing that, but it could so easily be that situation

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 02/12/2019 13:03

There was a thread here recently where OP's friend had sent a firm but kind message about ending their friendship.

It was a brilliant example of dealing with a problem in a good way.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/12/2019 13:03

Wet blanket type people - just whatever, I guess, I'm not very interested in being friends with them because they do my head in, but happy enough for them to exist.

Passive aggressive people - need to fuck right off. I cannot stand it. If you're going to say something, just say it, and if you're not, then let it the fuck go.

I'm not the most confrontational person either but if something is annoying me and it's a big deal to me, I'll say something. Otherwise, I'll just leave it but not make the other person feel bad or anything.

ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 13:06

@Bumpitybumper I’m having a proper thick moment today, can you give an example of the pass-agginess you mean?

TowelNumber42 · 02/12/2019 13:08

Too often people with no moral backbone say they don't like confrontation as if that makes it perfectly excusable for them to sit back and let bad things happen.

Jodie77 · 02/12/2019 13:13

Is absolutely hate confrontation. But when it is unavoidable or necessary I try to be brave and deal with the situation, even if I go home to have a panic attack afterwards. I have a relative who is incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative and tries to get other people to react badly and confront them as an excuse to shut them down (refuses to take to anybody who's being emotional or getting cross). Also they always side with the bully in any situation. I couldn't be like that. The main way I avoid confrontation is by having strong boundaries and withdrawing from difficult situations and trying to be the peace maker, not stirring shit up behind the scenes and then running away when it blows up. I hate bully's and bullying so I won't be a push over, but if I can find a way to calm the situation down I will always favour making peace IYSWIM

oldwhyno · 02/12/2019 13:21

I wouldn't describe myself as "non-confrontational". But I'm far from being "confrontational". You pick your battles.

OopsBird · 02/12/2019 13:23

My DS is non-confrontational and it has caused me massive hurt and upset. I suggested to her we see a therapist to try to sort out our differences as I would really like to have a good relationship with her, also for the sake of my DC. But she found a reason why that wasn’t possible at the time and has never said anything about it since. I know she wants to sweep everything under the carpet and that the next time we see one another she will be all breezy as though nothing is wrong. Does she hope that I’ll forget about it all with time?
I know at least one other person she’s discussed our problems with but she hasn’t taken me up on my offer to sort things out with me. And I don’t actually understand what her issue is with me! It’s so frustrating.
I don’t think people who know her would generally consider her cowardly at all, and yet it baffles me that she can just leave things with my suggestion to sort things out hanging in the air... for months ... or will it be years?
It also leaves me with no outlet to resolve things. I have just have to sit with my feelings. It’s like trying to talk to someone and being told Shut up, go away.
She is also passive aggressive at times but I think she thinks she is being quite clever when she does so. Of course it’s just hurtful and makes me feel sad.

fatulousatforty · 02/12/2019 13:27

My immediate manager is like this.
Will just not sort out any problem that involves dealing with peoples shitty behaviour.

I'm looking for another job

Besidesthepoint · 02/12/2019 13:34

Is it ok to be non-confrontational - yes

No. My dad literally stood next to me while I was being abused. Even now when I try to talk to him about it he just goes quiet and refuses to answer because confrontation is baaaad. Nice people don't confront people or say no.

People are born with a moral compass. If you don't use it then you are actively hurting someone.

Original poster
Bumpitybumper · 02/12/2019 13:35

@ActualHornist
An example of someone being passive aggressive was when the wife in a divorcing couple kept hold of a marital asset seemingly with the blessing of her ex. He would not stop bringing up the asset and how fantastic it was. It was literally mentioned in every conversation. Obviously, he wasn't happy that she had the asset and was desperate to have it himself but he had this thing about not looking like the bad guy and addressing it head on. He then took it a step further and started to bitch to anyone that would listen about how his life had been detrimented by not having this asset. It put the wife in a really difficult situation as his unwillingness to openly acknowledge that there was conflict that needed to be resolved meant that it was impossible for her to actually achieve any sort of resolution.

OP posts:
Jodie77 · 02/12/2019 14:18

@Besidesthepoint

Me too. Told me I was 'overreacting' and that my ex 'had a right to be cross.' Hmm

Brittany2019 · 02/12/2019 15:03

Detriment is a noun, not a verb. :confrontational:

Other than that, though, I agree with you, Op. I’ve frequently wanted to shake people on here who describe themselves as non-confrontational.

Perisoire · 02/12/2019 15:11

💯 agree OP.

Every time I read an MN thread and someone describes themselves as non-confrontational I want I just shake my head. They really do see it as a positive trait.

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