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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you make teenagers respectful, helpful and generally nice human being !

40 replies

Somethingsosimple · 02/12/2019 10:06

I am struggling slightly with my 2 children right now. Ds is 13 and dd is 10. My DS has always been such an easy child and people always made the comment that he was polite and well behaved. This year he has becoming increasing cheeky and inconsiderate to put it mildly. I know at his age i would have hated to make my mum upset and would never have dreamt of saying ‘f off’ like he did to me this morning. I was really cross and as I really struggle to get him out if the door for school in the morning as he is so slow. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong as I put so much time into my kids - help with homework etc every night, sit and talk at the end of the day while tucking them into bed etc but I feel both my kids take what I do for granted. I want my kids to help more, appreciate what I do for them and realise how lucky they are.My Dd has started to copy my sons language etc and his silly behaviour is rubbing off on her. This weekend I have been spending time doing what they want to do and we had a lovely weekend but this morning has been horrible. Any advice really appreciated as Im in tears this morning. I so want my children to grow up to be adults that are helpful, friendly and polite to others with a good sense of what is right.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 02/12/2019 10:15

Placemarking as I have this problem too...

SquareAsABlock · 02/12/2019 10:16

I so want my children to grow up to be adults that are helpful, friendly and polite to others with a good sense of what is right.

Chances are, they will grow up to be all those things. Unfortunately, the teen years are usually tough. Sometimes you can do everything right and still come to loggerheads when they are pushing the boundaries. It's up to you to decide what can be let go and what isn't acceptable. So what are you going to do for the swearing incident to show both your children that speaking to you in that way is completely unacceptable?

bsc · 02/12/2019 10:16

Well, you start working on it the moment they're born, and hope that it may have sunk in a little after 13 years... Wink

So the swearing- call him out on it straight away. Not nastily, just "that's not acceptable language, we don't sweat at one another". Pointedly, so that dd doesn't get ideas about copying.
He's testing boundaries- it's a difficult time when he's treated like a child but expected to behave like an adult.
Children need to know there are boundaries but that it's normal to mess up sometimes.
And yes, appreciating what is done for them? I think that is only learnt by making a contribution themselves. See it as part of their training to be grown-ups- they need to help out in the home, just setting the table, washing up, folding laundry- all easy things to begin with, with gratitude shown for the contribution they're making.
Teenagers are much like toddlers in many ways.

bsc · 02/12/2019 10:17

Haha- we don't swear at one another either!

RoyalChocolat · 02/12/2019 10:19

Watching with interest. I have exactly the same problem with DS12.5 and DD10.

Aderyn19 · 02/12/2019 10:22

What are the consequences for your son? He told you to f off and you can't just let that pass. Mine would lose their phone or access to playstation for that.

churchandstate · 02/12/2019 10:42

Did he say “f off” or “fuck off”?

I would punish the first straight away and reasonably harshly. The second I would go nuclear.

kjhkj · 02/12/2019 10:44

what punishment are you giving for the fuck off this morning?

HouseworkAvoider10 · 02/12/2019 10:44

he told you to fuck off?
i'd kill him.
i'd really wipe the floor with him.
that is utterly unacceptable.

Lweji · 02/12/2019 11:02

When DS starts going off (not swearing at me) I tend to ask him if he wants me to treat him like that as well. Because I would. And he knows it.
I've never had to, though.

MissMarpletheMurderer · 02/12/2019 11:07

You will probably get more support in teens. bsc I wonder if you currently have teens as your patronizing opening gambit makes me think it's unlikely.

Op best answer is deep breaths and count down the years until the hormones settle.

BigusBumus · 02/12/2019 11:10

I have two 17 year old sons (one biological, one not) and a 13 year old son. One of my 17yr olds (the biological one interestingly) still gives me shit, slams doors, tells me to fuck off sometimes, sulks etc, but not nearly as much as he used to. He's realised its better to be my mate than my enemy. My other 17 year old has always been placid, if a bit sneaky at times. My 13 year old is just starting to get lippy and attitudey.

TBH, its just what happens i think, there is only one of my many friends with the same age kids that hasn't had problems, although they are bothered as the son doesn't have many friends and is a bit of a neek/geek.

Age 15 is the worst, just wait for that!

But always know that they still need you, still love you and this isn't their fault. My friends would always remark how lovely, charming and polite my boys are when they saw them out and about, and i used to wonder if they'd got the right kids!

Original poster
Somethingsosimple · 02/12/2019 11:10

Yes he did say the whole word not F off! I would usually go nuts but it was the final straw so I started crying which didn’t seem to move him at all which made me feel worse. He has already had his Xbox removed so I’m running out of punishments

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 02/12/2019 11:13

I think it's very valuable for kids of that age to know that adults, and indeed their friends, have limits, and that you can't act with disrespect and get clean away with it. (unfortunately you 'getting upset' isn't a punishment for them at this age!)

It's not good, of course, to have a hair-trigger so that they know that unreasonable things will set you off.

Being told to fuck off by your child is a fine opportunity to see how angry you can get, which might make them think twice before being an arse again.

Original poster
Somethingsosimple · 02/12/2019 11:13

Ps thanks for the lovely comments it helps me realise I’m not alone

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/12/2019 11:17

I have a 14 year old and cannot stress enough how much the book 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town' has helped me navigate what's been a tricky (ok, an absolutely horrendous) few months.

The good news however is that you have already put the groundwork in for them to become respectful, helpful and nice - it's just that you'll have to get over the teenage years first while still holding on to all that you've taught them.

churchandstate · 02/12/2019 11:17

You’ve run out of punishments? When he comes home from school he goes to his room and he stays there? No lifts, no mobile phone, no treat meals out, no after school activities. Come on, OP!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/12/2019 11:17

Consequences are your friend. X box not working then its the phone. Does he get pocket money? I would also be looking at any issues with school (just incase) bet hey teenagers!

MeTheCoolOne · 02/12/2019 11:18

How do you and your partner behave? Are you polite and respectful to each other and to others?

I’d flip out if one of my kids told me to fuck off. I don’t think you want to let it go. I’d give him a big lecture about respect and woman etc. Are you and your partner on the same page with this?

BigusBumus · 02/12/2019 11:18

One thing that made a difference to my teen the other day (the 17 yr old son) was after he told me to fuck off for saying something that touched a nerve with him, he got out of my car and said he'd rather walk home. I drove off and cried.

Later that day when he finally arrived at home he could see id been upset and i was avoiding eye contact with him and being very quiet. He was about to have a go about the morning thing again and I said very quietly to him, "If you keep telling me to fuck off DS, one day i just might. I'm not made of steel." and walked away.

He followed me into the kitchen and apologised and explained why he'd said it and we had a much more adult conversation and things have been ok since.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/12/2019 11:19

I'm a great believer in the punishment fitting the crime by the way, so I would be offering him no help at all getting ready for school this week. He's old enough to figure it all out (SN excepting) and he's old enough to take the rap for being late too.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/12/2019 11:19

We had a short phase of this when DS was about 13. He was cheeky, backchatted, refused to do what we had asked him to and never seemed to care about consequences (his xbox lived in DH's work locker for most of the summer). My parents were really unhelpful and said we were too soft on him, but he genuinely didn't care if we took his phone, his xbox, didn't go on planned trips. In the end he joined army cadets and transformed into the most helpful, polite and responsible boy, this was mainly due to a brilliant teacher who was setting up cadets in the school and saw potential in DS, so she made him a team leader and then in time promoted him through the ranks.

He has never rebelled really since. He's 19 now and had to grow up fast because he became DH's carer at 16, and we lost DH earlier this year, so he could have gone off the rails, but instead has grown up. Early rebellion isn't always a guarantee of it carrying on. Good luck

MarshaBradyo · 02/12/2019 11:24

Ds is 14 and now gets up and goes to school, maybe the odd are you up but that’s it.

It’s more he has to take responsibility for the school punishment if he’s late than you cajoling him.

Hopefully he does care about consequences. If not then that’s a bit harder. Does he use a phone? That might be the next punishment

vivacian · 02/12/2019 11:33

Could they see you as a bit of a doormat? You show your love by spending the weekend doing things that they want to do, but perhaps they’re taking you for granted.

In what context did he say, “fuck off”?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 02/12/2019 11:37

Punishing teenagers is counter productive. You have to your best to get on with them and make sure they have good influences. Ever instance that I can think of of teenagers acting badly either they didn’t get on with the parent in question if they were mimicking bad behaviours (they may be copying parents, friends, school mates, media etc). Obviously all teenagers get moody but that’s not really the same as swearing at people.

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