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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you make teenagers respectful, helpful and generally nice human being !

40 replies

Somethingsosimple · 02/12/2019 10:06

I am struggling slightly with my 2 children right now. Ds is 13 and dd is 10. My DS has always been such an easy child and people always made the comment that he was polite and well behaved. This year he has becoming increasing cheeky and inconsiderate to put it mildly. I know at his age i would have hated to make my mum upset and would never have dreamt of saying ‘f off’ like he did to me this morning. I was really cross and as I really struggle to get him out if the door for school in the morning as he is so slow. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong as I put so much time into my kids - help with homework etc every night, sit and talk at the end of the day while tucking them into bed etc but I feel both my kids take what I do for granted. I want my kids to help more, appreciate what I do for them and realise how lucky they are.My Dd has started to copy my sons language etc and his silly behaviour is rubbing off on her. This weekend I have been spending time doing what they want to do and we had a lovely weekend but this morning has been horrible. Any advice really appreciated as Im in tears this morning. I so want my children to grow up to be adults that are helpful, friendly and polite to others with a good sense of what is right.

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 02/12/2019 11:42

Just like toddlers, teenagers will test their boundaries too.
The comments your child is making is simply trying to push your buttons. You either up your discipline or leave your child to carry on pushing.
Choose your arguments, you don't want to be at each other's throats but you do want to remind your children what is acceptable in your home.
Another suggestion is to ring your mum and ask her to remind you of how difficult it was for her when you were a teen and why.
Maybe you didn't swear but it's likely you would have done something that drove her up the wall.

Dontdisturbmenow · 02/12/2019 11:50

You continue to repeat the same things over and over, you show good example of behaviour yourself and grit your teeth holding on to the belief it will pass.

It did for my DS after his GCSE. A complete personality transplant. Went from being a complete self-absorbed moany lazy boy to an affectionate, caring, helpful and considerate teenager. Still has his occasional moments but a transformed child.

FabbyChix · 02/12/2019 11:51

You treat them with respect always say please and thank you to them. Knock on their doors before entering treat them how you want to be treated. Raised two amazing human beings now 31 and 26

FabbyChix · 02/12/2019 11:53

You don’t tell or demand you ask as if it’s a question can you etc.,

BigusBumus · 02/12/2019 12:10

Watch this by Josh Shipp. It's a bit American-y but it was a great 1.5 minute video for me!

Orangeblossom78 · 02/12/2019 12:46

I agree with being respectful and expecting the same in return. I have teens also and they would not swear at me or to others.

AlexaShutUp · 02/12/2019 12:48

Be respectful, helpful and generally nice to them!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/12/2019 12:57

My teens were awful and I had three at once. It absolutely broke my heart because they were great little kids. Very dark times for me but DH (aka The Teen Whisperer) got us all through it by the sheer power of his laidbackness.

They are 26, 24 and 21 now and bloody wonderful human beings. I feel like I’m finally reaping what I sowed when they were little.

DC4 is 13 and so far not particularly troublesome. Or maybe we just handle him better.

llynnnn · 02/12/2019 13:03

Hi
I don't have any advice, as I'm in a very similar situation, but with 2 dd's! Just wanted to let ou know (as plenty above me have) that you aren't alone.

I crave respect and help from them (simple things like picking up after themselves/feeding the tortoise/putting their own washing in the basket etc!) but constantly get nothing back from them!

This thread has helped lots, thanks all :)

Thornhill58 · 02/12/2019 13:27

I'm not one to punish I prefer to talk to our son. He is 14. If he is disrespecting it's time to have a firm chat. I'll just say you told me to fuck off this morning what do you think I should do about it? Just tell him how it makes you feel.
I always say: listen if we get into a bad situation I'm going to have to think about creative ways to make your life miserable and then you are going to make my life miserable. I don't want to live like that. How do we solve this situation and we both get what we want?
I just want to respected and I don't want to keep punishing you.
Dialogue is key.

WiddlinDiddlin · 02/12/2019 13:56

I would 'fuck off' then.. as in, I'd stop ensuring he gets out of the house on time, has clean pants, has all his stuff, has breakfast, has tea..

When he finally asks 'why isnt there any...' or 'why havent you...' I would say 'well you told me to fuck off... so I have... '.

Elbowedout · 02/12/2019 14:16

Is there something going on at school that is sparking bad behaviour on a Monday morning, difficulties with him getting ready for school on time etc? I would be trying to get a conversation hoing around that.
Also I think it sounds like you are possibly doing too much for your children, especially the 13 year old.
He must at least be in year 8, quite possibly year 9, and helping every night with homework, tucking him into bed etc feels a little bit intrusive for a child of that age to me. He is perhaps craving a bit more independence and wanting to grow up more, not be treated the same as his little sister. It is easy to fall into the habit of treating siblings the same, especially when you have 2 fairly close together, but your son is getting to the age where he will want to be treated as a bit more grown up.
Of course with the priveliges of being closer to adulthood come additional responsibilities, and consequences. There is a balance to find between being nurturing and encouraging independence.
We don't help with homework unless asked for instance. That is their job. They need to organise themselves to get it done on time and to decide if and when they need help. Same with getting ready in the morning etc. If they don't do it, they take the consequences. At some point on a Sunday I will issue a general reminder that Monday is imminent but I don't micro manage anybody. If they don't do their homework then they will get a detention. If they dont put their games kit in the washing basket then they are going to be wearing wet smelly clothes next time. Anyone who asks for help will get it of course, very willingly, but they need to have tried for themselves.
Obviously this is just the impression gained from your post and I could be way off, but it sounds to me as if you are giving too much and expecting too little. If you act as your children's servant then they will treat you like one. I agree to a degree with the PP who said that punishments can be counterproductive with teens as it is very important to kerp lines of communication open and not alienate them, but on the other hand, they do need to learn that actions have consequences. If anyone else - your partner, or a colleague for instance - told you to fuck off, would you accept that? Hopefully not. So you don't accept it from your children either. But as with a younger child, punishment has to be proportionate, timely and realistic. I hear friends saying they have grounded their kids for a month and I know its rubbish, and so do their children, so it is. We don't often need to punish our children to be honest but when we do I try to make it something constructive such as extra chores rather than depriving them of something, if that makes sense. I don't think that leaving them to stew in their rooms is a great idea.
Hope some of that is of some use. We have had an easy time with our lot really but some of our friends have really struggled with their teens despite baving seemingy done everything "right" so I do think some of it is luck. The general principles of treating them fairly, proportionately, and above all, consistently do seem to be of some help though, whatever the age, so hang on in there and things will hopefully improve.

nokidshere · 02/12/2019 15:01

I think the biggest tip I ever got for dealing with teens was to stay calm. Obviously easier said than done sometimes but it does tend to work. I don't argue with my two, if they are moaning about a perceived injustice or the unfairness of something I simply say "oh dear, yes that's a shame' or 'I know life is a bummer sometimes eh'.

When they were about the same age as yours I got fed up of hearing my own voice sometimes so I implemented the word no. If I asked them to do something and they didn't do it, I didn't 'nag' or shout, I simply did it myself. The next time they asked me for something (food, drink, money, lifts etc) I simply said no and carried on doing what I was doing. It didn't take long for them to cotton on (although I did tell,them why if they asked) and fairly quickly life became simpler.

As they got older I stopped going in their rooms. I told them I was fed up of going on about it and that if they wanted their rooms cleaned they would have to make sure they were tidy first, if they didn't put washing in the basket then it didn't get done. More than once I've watched them go off to school with dirty crumpled clothes because they 'forgot', but it didn't happen often, they soon get the message. If they complained that something wasn't ready (like pe kit) I simply said calmly 'oh dear, if you wanted it washed it should have been in the basket'.

It's hard to stay calm and to step back from babying them but the results are so worth the effort. My now 18 & 21 yr olds are lovely, independent, respectful boys.

Although of course they may well have turned out like that eventually anyway. I like to think that my style of parenting helped smooth the way.

Makinganewthinghappen · 02/12/2019 15:14

From what I have seen they pick a lot of the attitude etc up from other kids at school.
There is a school opposite us and I literally had abuse hurled at me through the fence today because I walked past and had red hair Hmm. This is not just little things it’s disgusting sexually suggestive things aimed directly at me and my 4 year old.

I Have complained before school don’t care.

Thank god my children are all home educated if that school is anything to go by.

And yes I do have 2 teenagers ages 15 and 13.

Schools need to discipline children more - they are in charge of teenagers for the majority of most weekdays.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 09:42

Mine seem to pick up good stuff from school, they aren't all like that. Has got much more polite and well mannered since gone there (state secondary)

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