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AIBU?

To wonder what the hell you were thinking?

34 replies

HappyHen4 · 02/12/2019 09:34

Its a long one:

So I have a pal who i've been friends with for 14 or so years. When we were around 19, he got his first girlfriend. They got engaged after two years and it was all very lovely and exciting (big engagement party). They then moved in together and things started to go south a bit. 5 years later then did end up getting married and it was a lovely big wedding, beautiful venue etc. In the background when he was with friends and she wasn't there, he would always be slagging her of saying she was pressuring him to get married, pressuring him to have a baby because its what she wanted within a certain time frame. Whenever I would be with them as a couple, they openly bickered (almost every single time). They were clearly unhappy.
So they bought a house and had a baby. It was all going pretty nicely. A couple of years ago, he told me that she had found out she could not have any more children.

They ended up breaking up (after 12 years together). It was all horribly messy. He was suspecting her of cheating on him. Spoiler: She probably was..) He ended up putting a listening device on some kind in her phone so he could listen to what she did in the car when she went for her 'late night drives'. She had met a new friend and started going to gigs with him, dressing up etc.
So yeah they split up. Both behaved badly. Small child in the middle. He moved back in with his parents (he is now renting a place). Im not sure what she did... I think they sold their house, but I don't know where she moved to. They kept seeing the girl jointly which is good.

He has since tried dating but that hasn't gone brilliantly as he clearly isn't over his ex.

She has just got engaged.. She has been with her new fiancé for a year. There was likely to be some overlap with her and her ex.
AIBU to think that this is:

  1. super quick (to divorce and get engaged within the same year).
  2. harsh to put it all over facebook knowing it would get back to her ex

    I know replies will likely come from all angles as they were clearly so unhappy for so long and dragging out a bad relationship, but still.. there was love there at some point and it all feels so horrible towards him and malicious in a way.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2019 09:39

In the background when he was with friends and she wasn't there, he would always be slagging her off

He ended up putting a listening device on some kind in her phone so he could listen to what she did in the car when she went for her 'late night drives'

You what? He’s an arsehole. She’s better off without him.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2019 09:41

Regardless of both of their mistakes. I doubt she's done it to piss him off, there possibly was overlap but that's done now. Whether she put it on FB or just told people, he was always going to find out. Possibly the kinder thing was to tell him directly bit it's out now and hopefully it'll help him move on

MatildaTheCat · 02/12/2019 09:41

You frequently read about people who remarry super quickly after the death of a spouse of many tears/ decades so this isn’t especially shocking.

She wants to move on after being unhappy for a long time. I couldn’t get very excited. Ex has the option of blocking all SM posts so he doesn’t have to know about it.

FizzyIce · 02/12/2019 09:44

They both sound as bad as each other and why should it bother you if she’s moved on quickly ? Block and move on

8Iris8 · 02/12/2019 09:45

1) super quick (to divorce and get engaged within the same year).
I don' think this is a problem at all - if it was as an unhappy marriage as you say then she had probably emotionally checked out many years ago and so was ready to move on. As for it being quick my parents met and married within 3 months and have a 30+ year marriage.

2) harsh to put it all over facebook knowing it would get back to her ex
I'm not sure what you mean here - surely if they have a daughter she will have to tell him she is getting married? And people's social media use is their own business. I'm not sure how her getting on with her life is 'horrible and malicious' towards her ex - what do you expect her to do?

HappyHen4 · 02/12/2019 09:45

Oh AnneLovesGilbert I know!! And I explicitly told him so when he spoke to me about it on the phone. He had been doing all sort of paranoid shit in the background trying to catch her out. He obviously knew she was up to no good.

The point is, he would never have cheated on her. I think he would have live unhappily ever after as per their vows to be honest. Fair play to her for getting out of it for sure.

When I see him now, all he ever wants to do is talk about her. He cant stop himself. Its eating him up inside and flipped his entire life upside down.

It just seems like she knew this and has behaved in a way to cause maximum pain.

Its normal to feel sad for a friend who is hurting right and just think things could have gone a bit differently in the way in was handled (the engagement being plastered everywhere).

I am not sticking up for him by any means or saying they had a great relationship. They should have broken up years ago.

Also wondering whats in it for this new guy. Why date a girl with a child, watch her marriage fall apart and her get divorced and then propose within a year. Whats wrong with just dating and going out a bit longer..

OP posts:
burritofan · 02/12/2019 09:46

How is any of it your business?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2019 09:47

It sounded like it was over years ago to be honest and just limped on...so in that respect maybe it's not quick. Maybe she is putting it all over facebook because she is so happy to find someone that actually wants to marry her

Mlou32 · 02/12/2019 09:52

I think it's their business, no one elses.

Damntheman · 02/12/2019 09:56

You know... I wasn't married but I was in a 3 year relationship when I met my current DH. There was no overlap, but DH and I got engaged within a month of starting to date (which was a month after I split with my ex). So I got engaged 2 months out of a long term relationship where we were living together. Doesn't have to have been an overlap and a year is nothing when you meet the right person.

I feel bad for her ex as he isn't over her yet, but this breakup doesn't have to control her life for a certain amount of time and she doesn't have to have been having an overlap at all.

I'd stay out of it if I were you, support whichever of the two (or both) that you want and don't engage in unfounded gossip.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2019 09:59

“Oi Tony, you’re talking about her again, time to stop bringing up it as she’s moved on, you need to, the relationship was a toxic mess and you’re both better off out of it”. Just stop engaging.

user1493413286 · 02/12/2019 10:00

To be honest if what an ex was doing bothered me then I wouldn’t have them on Facebook; she’s got every right to share her happiness and he’s got every right not to want to see it.
I also think that when you’ve been in a relationship for that long that’s so unhappy you then want to grab happiness with both hands which sounds exactly what she is doing.
Obviously cheating was wrong but he’s far from innocent and who knows what really happens in a relationship unless you’re in it.

WhereverIMayRoam · 02/12/2019 10:00

YABU to be so ridiculously over invested in a relationship you’re not actually involved in! All this thinking and wondering and analysing and then starting a thread to invite the opinions of others also not involved in the relationship, I mean seriously is your life really this dull?

PizzaExpressWoking · 02/12/2019 10:05

Both of them have been really stupid in getting married in the first place if it was a question of "pressuring".

Both of them have behaved badly in the marriage.

Her moving on is not his business. It's also not your business. Sorry. It's her life.

Whattodoabout · 02/12/2019 10:07

They both sound like wankers who have left a toxic relationship, she has moved on and he needs to too. I only feel bad for the child.

PotteryWheel · 02/12/2019 10:08

So they bought a house and had a baby. It was all going pretty nicely.

Honestly, OP, if your definition of 'pretty nicely' involves someone continually publicly slagging off his wife to his friends, arguing with her in company, and bugging her phone, I think that's a fairly idiosyncratic definition of the phrase.

Sagradafamiliar · 02/12/2019 10:16

It's their business and theirs alone. The previous relationship had been dead in the water for years and sounds like it was toxic.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/12/2019 10:19

When I see him now, all he ever wants to do is talk about her

Maybe he has obsessive tendencies and that's part of the problem. They sound like a fundamentally unsuited couple - but his desire to 'catch her out' and his pursuit of this makes him sound as though he was absolutely determined that she was up to no good and any evidence he found he would have taken as 'aha! So THAT'S why my marriage isn't working!'

He sounds a wee bit crazy, to be honest. Not saying she was blameless but...

Sagradafamiliar · 02/12/2019 10:19

I don't think there's an agenda to cause maximum impact to the ex. He's not even on her mind, she's moved on. It's more that she isn't giving him thought and rightly so, if she was still plotting against the ex or giving him headspace, then she wouldn't be building a life with someone else.

puds11 · 02/12/2019 10:19

Really is fuck all to do with you and your friend sounds like an utter wanker. Maybe if he hadn’t been so spineless he could have avoided all this.

Costacoffeeplease · 02/12/2019 10:19

He sounds like a prize twat, he didn’t want her but she’s not allowed to be happy with someone else?

Tell the arse to grow up - and as for the other bloke, why is it anyone’s business?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/12/2019 10:22

Why do you care?

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2019 10:27

You lost me with the listening device.

messolini9 · 02/12/2019 10:28

The point is, he would never have cheated on her.

That's a pretty low bar for acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
You seem keen to pin the blame on your friend's ex.
Yet SHE wasn't the one slagging him off to mutual chums at every opportunity, whining that she was being pressured into getting married/having a baby, but going along with it anyway, or putting - FFS - a listening device on his phone.

How quickly she embarks on a subsequent relationship, & whether she posts about it on FB is no longer any of his business. The less he lurks on her social media & obsesses about his ex, the happier he will get. Particularly as it sounds like he didn't even want to get married, had a stormy & umpleasant relationship, but now can't stop talking about the woman who made him to unhappy. Can you encourage him to get a hobby, or go on holiday, or do anything at all to change direction?

Icanttakethiscrapanymore · 02/12/2019 10:28

He sounds awful. He bitched about having to marry her and have a baby with her and now he’s bitching about her leaving and finding happiness with someone new.

It’s non of your business.

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