Male Midwife Behaviour- Was it normal?

[CloudyVanilla]

I've been thinking about this since the birth of my son 2 years ago and it's been playing on my mind more and more as I am 33 weeks pregnant again.

I just wanted to check if a couple of things he did were normal or if I am being prejudice or precious to find them uncomfortable? I was reading the male gyno thread and it make me realise I have no prejudice against men in those jobs and have seen several male consultants, so maybe there is something in my experience that warrants feeling uncomfortable?

To keep it as brief as possible, there are 2 main things he did which made me feel uncomfortable. The first was shortly after birth after everyone else had gone, he checked me to see if I needed stitches and said well done none are needed. Fine. He then said he was going to check me for grazes, but instead of doing it visually which I really thought was what happened last time, he ran over the entirety of my inner labia with his fingers. I have tried to google but cant see that this is standard? I also really didn't think it happened with my first birth, but then with my first labour I was more out of it by the time DD was born.

The second thing was, he kissed me on the face completely uninvited when no one else was in the room (my partner was searching for a vending machine as I had been induced and he had been at my side for 48 hours at this point).

I don't know if I'm completely overreacting to these things but I just felt no one else involved in my care during pregnancy or birth has felt the need to kiss me. The fact that he waited til no one including my partner was around also added an extra layer of weirdness for me.

My partner thinks if I am uncomfortable I should raise it with my midwife but I dont want to cause somebody grief if it is just their style of working or whatever. I do think I about it more and more the closer I get to giving birth again though!

Please tell me honestly, does it sound like I am overreacting (particularly to the graze checking which could be totally normal?) Or would this have also made you uncomfortable?

@PearTreeParty that's a really good point, perhaps if I even just mentioned it in a, FYI not all women feel comfortable being kissed shortly after labour by somebody they don't know, especially if there is no one else around, because it kind of makes them feel like they have purposely waited until nobody is around!!

The exam thing is making me more uncomfortable and angry and upset the more I think about it though. I can't remember 100% if he was on his own, I'm fairly sure he was though. A lot of people came in close to my son being born, they had problems attaching the continuous monitor after my failed epidural and thought his heart was dropping so we're considering/ preparing a c section. But I'm sure it was very empty once my son was out they pretty much immediately left.

I would say he was a
Massive cheeky fucker, taking liberties
Please speak about it to your current MW’s
Best wishes

I think you should complain. I had stitches and also had to go into hospital the next day as they were worried about a bleed and never experienced anything uncomfortable in that way.

If you can be brave ... your instinct is almost certainly correct.

Bless you. Well done for realising this was wrong and speaking out.

I am a nurse and went to university with a male nurse who ended up in prison for sexually assaulting patients.

As students one of my friends said something and we all 'poo poo'd' it as drunken behaviour... I guess now reflecting on it he was a predator and testing the water to see what he could get away with.

Things like this start off small and grow.

It takes a lot to stand up, you were vulnerable and trusting and he took advantage of you.
If you can, sit down and write it out it may be easier that way. Then hand it over to someone.
Sending you love xx

To Echo what everyone else has said, it does not sound right to me-I am sure if you initially report this to your midwife she can give you extra care to ensure you have a good birth experience. Makes me so angry hearing these experiences

"The first was shortly after birth after everyone else had gone, he checked me to see if I needed stitches and said well done none are needed. Fine. He then said he was going to check me for grazes, but instead of doing it visually which I really thought was what happened last time, he ran over the entirety of my inner labia with his fingers"

... sorry but that's exactly what my female midwives did too. You can't always see grazes, sometimes you can only feel them. Internally and external.

I wouldn't have thought twice about the kiss either tbh 🤷‍♀️ I had a close relationship with my widwife though.

... sorry but that's exactly what my female midwives did too. You can't always see grazes, sometimes you can only feel them. Internally and external..

But that should be part of the post-delivery examination. (FWIW you can definitely see a graze but yes sometimes you need to move the labia to have a proper look) The only time I do two checks is when I’m not 100% sure about something and get a colleague to come and have a look with me. I wouldn’t go back to check for grazes after checking for tears, there shouldn’t be any need.

Yes. Report him. Grazes can’t always be easily seen, especially on the vaginal wall, and they can occur in pretty horrid places, so sometimes we need to examine the labia closely. Also, a rectal examination is recommended because the sphincter can be damaged without obvious external damage. But, this can all be done at the same time as checking the perineum. Maybe that’s what he did. But a word with PALS will at least give a bit of clarification. BUT.... the kiss is inappropriate. Whatever his motives, it made you uncomfortable and that makes it beyond wrong. There’s no statute of limitations on this, so the fact it happened a while ago is irrelevant. Take it further. I’m a midwife who is male. It has taken men a long time to be accepted into the profession and there is still occasional negativity. Idiots like him do none of us any favours. In fact they do midwives in general no favours. So, yes, pass it on.

@Andysbestadventure I have said twice now though that I didn't have a close relationship with this guy at all. I met him 1 hour prior to this happening, I'm also quite a shy and reserved person so I don't feel like I give out strong vibes of being open to affection etc.

To hear the examination could be normal though does make me feel better. It also wasn't a hug and kiss as I was leaving or otherwise in any type of fit state frankly. And I do feel bothered still by the fact that he didn't do this in front of my DP or anything. Maybe I am overreacting hence why I posted but I get a sense the majority of women in my shoes would have been uncomfortable with this.

@Emptybox thank you, it's great to hear the opinion of a male midwife! Tbh I'm still not sure if I will report any time soon as it's an emotional upheaval I don't need right right now, I can't imagine how I would feel if I said this to someone and they just sort of looked at me like, "so what?"!

You're not over reacting. It's not normal to kiss patients. I also think it's odd he came to chat to you on the post natal ward. I think he was worried about you saying something.

As a nurse I am always aware of how I am around my patients. How I am dressed (I have been out of uniform in their homes doing intimate examinations on both male and female patients young and old).
What I say, how it could be interpreted.

During any intimate procedure you ask for consent and you explain why you are doing something, then you document. In nursing documentation is everything. There should be a record of what he did. He should have written it down.

I have NEVER kissed a patient.

I have been kissed on the cheek generally by older, much older patients to thank me. I have been hugged. I have never initiated affection.

I have worked with many many male nurses who have been exceptional.

You do what is right for you and your family xx