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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male Midwife Behaviour- Was it normal?

61 replies

CloudyVanilla · 02/12/2019 08:41

I've been thinking about this since the birth of my son 2 years ago and it's been playing on my mind more and more as I am 33 weeks pregnant again.

I just wanted to check if a couple of things he did were normal or if I am being prejudice or precious to find them uncomfortable? I was reading the male gyno thread and it make me realise I have no prejudice against men in those jobs and have seen several male consultants, so maybe there is something in my experience that warrants feeling uncomfortable?

To keep it as brief as possible, there are 2 main things he did which made me feel uncomfortable. The first was shortly after birth after everyone else had gone, he checked me to see if I needed stitches and said well done none are needed. Fine. He then said he was going to check me for grazes, but instead of doing it visually which I really thought was what happened last time, he ran over the entirety of my inner labia with his fingers. I have tried to google but cant see that this is standard? I also really didn't think it happened with my first birth, but then with my first labour I was more out of it by the time DD was born.

The second thing was, he kissed me on the face completely uninvited when no one else was in the room (my partner was searching for a vending machine as I had been induced and he had been at my side for 48 hours at this point).

I don't know if I'm completely overreacting to these things but I just felt no one else involved in my care during pregnancy or birth has felt the need to kiss me. The fact that he waited til no one including my partner was around also added an extra layer of weirdness for me.

My partner thinks if I am uncomfortable I should raise it with my midwife but I dont want to cause somebody grief if it is just their style of working or whatever. I do think I about it more and more the closer I get to giving birth again though!

Please tell me honestly, does it sound like I am overreacting (particularly to the graze checking which could be totally normal?) Or would this have also made you uncomfortable?

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyVanilla · 02/12/2019 09:37

@Rainbowtheunicorn that's exactly my thought process!! It even occured to me that like, is he just overcompensating for the fact he is a man by trying to act in a more "feminine" way or trying to be overly comfortable around his female patients?

I am part of a pilot team of caseloading midwives this time, all female, and tthey are all really lovely. I feel safe talking to them about anything and I did say at my booking in appointment that for some reason I can't pin point I am more nervous about labour this time round. Is this the reason???

OP posts:
TheProdigalKittensReturn · 02/12/2019 09:41

If you've had this at the back of your mind for the past 2 years, trying to work out whether or not you were justified in feeling something wasn't right, then I'm not surprised you're more nervous this time around! Or that you did that instead of feeling confident in your discomfort being justified right away (give her a break, everyone, we're all socialized to trust doctors and not question their behavior).

Tell your current team, they'll no doubt reassure you that you're entirely correct to not think what happened was normal and they'll also then be better prepared for any extra nervousness on your part as a result.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 02/12/2019 09:42

I’ve had 4 babies.

First one - the worst tearing possible plus grazes and bruises (forceps) - hands all over me trying to fix the mess, don’t have much recollection of it

Second and third - just a graze, no touching of me at all

Fourth - small labour tear due to really fast, uncontrolled, stood up birth. Again no touching, she could see it and decided it was so small it didn’t need stitches.

DeathByPicolax · 02/12/2019 09:43

When he 'examined' you, did he wear gloves?

My DH was admitted to hospital and there was a Doctor that medically examined him and then took his glove off and shoved it down DH's trousers and felt his cock and balls. It was so fast that there was no way it was for medical reasons and DH wasn't expecting it. The Doc looked me in the eye the whole time from the moment he took his glove off and yet in the hubbub I forgot the name of the bastard and I did nothing more. I wished I had.

ballsdeep · 02/12/2019 09:45

I had extensive stitches with both of my births and no one has ever checked me for grazes or rubbed my labia. Wtf???
And the kissing is just strange

SheOfManyNames · 02/12/2019 09:46

I don't know enough about midwife procedure to know if "checking for grazes" is right procedure or not. Maybe actual midwives can chip in on that.

However the kiss is weird. Maybe not sexual in intent, but definitely at the very least inappropriate/crossing boundaries, IMO.

allezallezallez · 02/12/2019 09:48

OP I can definitely see how would not know what was typical in terms of examination etc. I wasn’t thinking clearly for days after birth and had other things on my mind. During labour sometimes things have to be done quickly and you do have to give up some measure of control. The idea that you would snap back into being mentally in control after labour is a bit far fetched to me.

I also think all of the outrage might be a bit hard to deal with as you are preparing to do it all again.

The good thing is that you have a better sense of what the boundaries should be. Maybe talking through with DP so that he knows to be in the room as much as possible. And then decide whether reporting might help you put it behind you or whether it will force you to think about it too much. You can also report in a few months when you’re not preparing for labour.

Original poster
CloudyVanilla · 02/12/2019 10:00

@DeathByPicolax I honestly can't remember if he wore gloves, I just remember at the time being aware of the situation and thinking it was odd and uncomfortable.

@allezallezallez thank you so much, that's exactly what I am needing to hear right now. I feel genuinely so relieved to have posted and received sort of vindication for knowing it's not just me who found this not right, but at the same time I feel more stressed due to the pressure I feel to report it.

When DP gets home I will speak to him about it again. He already knows I am feeling more anxious this time round and has promised not to leave my side. I just hope I am not induced so I can spend as little time in hospital as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudyVanilla · 02/12/2019 10:03

Also @DeathByPicolax so sorry that happened to your DH, that sounds horrific :(

OP posts:
Ohpleasefuckofflove · 02/12/2019 10:04

This has made me feel absolutely sick to the stomach. Please report him OP. X

Catwaving · 02/12/2019 10:15

@Interestedwoman

Totally unkind and wrong of you to state "you must know". Classic victim blaming and will only make the OP feel worse

You clearly have NO idea how abusers work, you really should not comment at all

Autumnsloth · 02/12/2019 10:22

Completely understandable that you wouldn't know what was normal, and that straight after birth with everything else going you wouldn't be in a place to decide what to do. Its awful that this happened to you, and I would definitely raise it with your team so that they can act in case he's still working, and also support you this time round.

ISmellBabies · 02/12/2019 10:25

Totally inappropriate on both counts. I think I know how you feel op. The dr who examined me at 9cm for "failure to progress" had to do an internal exam, but he put his thumb on my clitoris as he did it, so I don't think he could have even reached my cervix like that. I haven’t complained, I can't deal with it and it was years ago.

Ozgirl75 · 02/12/2019 10:34

I had a male midwife assisting after the birth of my first son. He was helping me to get feeding established (a nightmare as DS had to be syringe fed initially due to low blood sugar). Every time he had to touch me (all around the breast and nipple) he asked permission and made what could have been a very awkward situation into one that was as comfortable as it could be.

I felt that he went over and beyond what a female midwife would have done because he was a man, and wanted to ensure that I felt comfortable.

Kissing - eww.

hookiwooki · 02/12/2019 10:37

@Charley34 What an appalling thing to say to someone asking for advice on sexual abuse history. FFS. I hope you're not in a caring profession Hmm

OP I'm so sorry for your experience Flowers I would strongly suspect that this may be the cause of your anxiety this time. Trauma from sexual abuse isn't always immediately apparent, people often repress their experiences and attached negative emotions, but these can resurface at any time.

Please contact PALS, and please speak to your current midwifery team. You may be able to access counselling as well.

Very different circs, but I had a traumatic first birth which left me extremely anxious when I became pregnant with my second. I was put in contact with the Consultant Midwife who took a lot of time discussing options and possibilities with me. Because of the time she took, I was able to have a very different experience the second time around.

fascinated · 02/12/2019 10:38

If you disclose past sexual abuse to your current midwife you should be treated with particular care in any event. There are protocols. You do not need to specify details if you don’t want to. You can decide at a later stage what to do about reporting.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. None of this is your fault.

fascinated · 02/12/2019 10:39

Just to be clear, I mean that your decision might be not to report. But no rush on that .

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 10:40

He shouldn't have kissed you - that was something of a giveaway.
It's upsetting because who is more vulnerable than a woman who has just given birth?

My opinion - he was dodgy.

hookiwooki · 02/12/2019 10:43

Please contact PALS - if you feel able to do so.

Toddler was trying to eat the Christmas tree while I was posting.

You do not have to report if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You can of course still discuss with your midwifery team without disclosing the nature of the abuse, and I do feel this is something which would help you.

RosamundGarth · 02/12/2019 11:00

PALS. They are great. My 2 yo had a tooth out in hospital and when I was leaving the room, the anaesthetist said "how about a kiss". I said "he's unconscious" and he said "not for him for me". At the time I was too shaken by my child having gone limp in my arms and been taken away for surgery, but a few days later I filled in the feedback box on the hospital website saying everything was excellent apart from this one thing.

PALS rang me back the next day, said did I want them to take it further. I said well no, it didn't feel serious enough really but I wasn't happy about it. The PALS person said very firmly and loudly "In view of the fact that you wrote that it had made you feel uncomfortable and you felt it was and unprofessional, Do You Want Us To Take It Further" so I took the hint and said yes.

If my thing was the sort of thing they definitely want to know about and act on, then yours certainly is.

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 02/12/2019 11:10

Reading your title I was completely prepared to come here and say YABU but Jesus Christ that’s made me feel sick. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Please if you feel able to, complain. Big hugs Op Flowers

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 02/12/2019 11:12

My female midwife gave me a hug and a kiss after the birth of DS2. It didn't feel appropriate. She was with me throughout labour and stayed beyond the end of her shift as she knew he would be born within the hour. This was 27 years ago and things have probably tightened up a lot since then.
You should complain however, because it didn't feel right to you.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 02/12/2019 11:13

Didn't feel inappropriate I mean.

PearTreeParty · 02/12/2019 11:32

My second delivery was with a male midwife. He was, incidentally, excellent. There was nothing he did that made me feel uncomfortable and none of his actions or manner set him apart from a female midwife. That's how it should be.

To have caused you to question whether he was being inappropriate twice, in such a short space of time, is enough reason to report it.

The main thing here OP is, don't drive yourself mad trying to guess at his intention. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE WAS OR WASN'T KNOWINGLY BEING INAPPROPRIATE. HE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AND THAT IS GROUNDS FOR HIM BEING ADVISED TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR.

There is no question that he made you feel uncomfortable.
Ergo there is no question that this should be flagged.

It may turn out to be a bigger issue or it may not, but it's an issue.

Original poster
CloudyVanilla · 02/12/2019 11:34

So sorry for the other women here who have had similar experiences. Some of them sound truly horrific :O

Those of you who have contacts PALS, do you mind sharing what level of involvement was required from you? I don't want to be heavily involved in anything, at least not right now with another baby due.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais that's kind of what I was saying in an earlier post to another poster; I was in hospital for a couple of days being induced, had a female midwife for most of my labour, and I only met this man when the shift changed at 8pm, just 1 hour before my son was born and when I was in the most out of it and least communicative part of my labour. So it wasn't like we had built up any bond or anything over the course of my labour.

This is what I was worried about though, maybe it wasn't a big deal and was completely misjudged on my part but I just found it so weird. But then again his manner was quite unusual and overly friendly so maybe that was just him?

OP posts:
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