Breastfeeding mums - how do you deal with having no time to yourself?

[Brooklyn999]

Currently breastfeeding DC3 (have three under three), didn’t breastfeed DC1 or 2 due to a whole host of problems, so I’m very proud that we’ve just entered the third month of successful breastfeeding. But, I’m really starting to struggle with never having any time to myself.

My days are full on, as you can imagine with 3DC’s under 3; I’m constantly wrangling two toddlers whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and juggling all the housework/lunches/dinners etc.

On a Friday evening, DH goes up in to the loft which he’s converted in to a ‘man cave’ (I hate that term, but no other way to describe it!) from just after we’ve got the eldest two DC’s in bed - usually 7ish - until around 10:30/11pm. So that’s ‘his time’ to chill out and relax and wind down with no DC’s around. But last weekend, he also went up there on the Sunday evening too, and he’s doing the same again tonight after having already been up there on Friday. While I don’t have a massive issue with him going up there (though his company would be nice), I am quietly seething that I can’t do that. Dc3 will not take a bottle of expressed milk and will only settle with me, so I can’t just fuck off to a different part of the house and enjoy some personal time entirely to myself, as every damn evening, I’m stuck cluster feeding or being ‘on call’ for when the baby does wake up for a feed (he doesn’t sleep for very long stretches). Literally, the only time I ever get to myself, is when I eventually manage to grab a 5 minute shower, and even then, either dh or DC1 will be popping in and out the bathroom to use the toilet/talk to me about something mundane.

I’m frustrated that I’m stuck on the sofa, feeding, no one to talk to whilst DH is free to do his own thing. I don’t want to give up breastfeeding, but just wondering if I’m BU to feel like this shit is fucking hard, and relentless. And to wonder if I’m ever going to get the opportunity to sit by myself for a few hours!?!

Tell him to stop being a prick! Seriously, he's being out of order

I’m a single mum so never have time to myself anyway. Bf all 4 to 2+ years. I don’t think bottle feeding would be any different for me as like I said I never get time to myself anyway, and I enjoy bf personally, it does get easier.

How old is dc3?
It gets much, much easier from 6 months when they can also eat other things and therefore can be without you for a few hours.

Also from 3/4 months when they go longer between feeds! DS was very clingy and wouldn’t take expressed milk either/sleep if he wasn’t in my arms so it was full on for a while, but I didn’t have any other children so tricky to advise, beyond saying your Husband needs a kick up the arse so that you can relax when baby isn’t feeding and he can take the other children. Burn the man cave down

I think I've had a grand total of three nights out since becoming a parent almost three years ago, but at least on those nights, I could leave DH with the baby as 1&2 were formula fed so if I wanted some time to myself, the option was there.

But this time, I just feel totally trapped. DH is of course free to have one evening 'off' a week, but it does rub salt in my wounds knowing that I can't.

DC3 has just turned three months old. I'm hoping he will start to go for longer stretches between feeds soon, though not holding my breath as a few friends have said they're BF babies fed every two hours for months and months 😭

It’s difficult when you feel stuck, but it really isn’t a long time in the scheme of things and you will be out and about before you know it. Just try to cuddle the baby/smell their head during the feed and breathe it all in. Might sound silly but even know if DS (17 months) is waking up lots in the night and I’m having to BF back to sleep and I’m tired and cranky I do the same and it makes it feel worthwhile.

Ah cross posted - 3 months is definitely where it starts to get easier and better/longer between feeds and less cluster feeding etc etc don’t worry! Hang in there!

I never wanted to go out when mine were little anyway but if you do could you express??

How old is the baby? I my DC cluster fed a lot in the early weeks, up until around four months, and then it tapered off and they would only cluster feed every now and again usually if unwell or going through a growth spurt. I used that stage to watch all the box sets and Netflix series' that I'd been meaning to watch, an evening on the sofa meant a good 3-5 episodes depending on the show. I also downloaded a load of audiobooks of books I'd been meaning to get around to and listened to them if I didn't fancy TV so I still got 'me' time, just of a different sort to my usual.

It is relentless when you have littles. I had three under 5 and then four under 7. Its tiring and feels utterly thankless but the pressure will eventuslly ease off. Your DH needs a kick up the bum over disappearing off upstairs, you need some adult company. Do you get out much in the day too? I know they're often hell on earth but find a playgroup where you can turn your other DC loose while you sit on a rug with the baby and do minimal parenting other than supervision for an hour or two.

Start locking the bathroom door. This was the only way I could bath in peace when they were little, they very quickly figured out that they should go see their dad instead of bothering me. I also started getting strict about them walking past DH to ask me to do things he could have done, like coming upstairs to ask me to make them a drink when DH was right there in the kitchen. I would send them back to ask him instead.

Do you want the baby to take a bottle? Get your DH to offer it while you're in another room or out of the house completely. None of mine would take a bottle from DH if I was right there but if I went away and they knew it was their only choice then they would accept it.

This is what I struggled with the most tbh, it grinds you down feeling your never quite your own person for a decent chunk of time.

I think the answer is part acceptance of it (it is short term) and part demanding from your husband what you need. Pick the time your baby is most likely settle (so evenings may unfortunately be out at the moment if you’ve an evening cluster feeder) so the risk of you having to step in is lowered and tell your DH that’s his time to step up with all the kids so you can have your body back for a bit and get your thoughts in order. Point out that it’s only short term but he needs to step up - this is his hard bit.

Do you want to consider mixed feeding to try and get a decent length break?

I breastfed my DD for 2.5 years and breastfed her to sleep every night of her life until she was 2.

The being the only one who could feed her, no nights out, doing majority of night wakings etc, I dealt with because a) it's not forever and b) my DH did his fair share of everything else. Literally breastfeeding was the only thing he could not do.

I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a prick.

^^^

Excellent advice. It never bothered me because I just accepted it from day one! But I think if you’ve had two who were bottle fed before this would be much more of a shock

I'm struggling with this a lot at the moment. DC2 is 10 weeks and currently refuses a bottle completely so I'm lucky if I get a 15 minute break for a hot shower in peace. In the day I'm lucky if it's 2 hours between feeds, most afternoons are still cluster feeding/dozing on me. Then the bedtime feed takes bloody ages so I'm stuck in bed/on the sofa all evening before then feeding again a few times in the night.

I'm desperate for some time to myself. I'm hoping in the next few months that will happen otherwise I'm going away for the night and leaving DH with a bottle to force baby to take it!

Its tough. It does get better. The cluster feeding stops and they become a bit more predictable, so even if they are feeding 2 hourly, you can at least have a break between. However there is still that tie until they are taking a bottle or having food and until someone else can settle them. DS is 9 months and I do get frustrated at times that he still needs me at bedtime and in the night. However this is my second breastfed DC and I am mostly accepting as it is for a relatively short time. I would be unimpressed though if DH kept disappearing upstairs. He would sit and chat/watch TV with me whilst cluster feeding and get me drinks etc.

I text DH to ask him to pop to the shops at the end of our road to grab me a nice drink as it looked like I'd be stuck here for a while. He said he would, 20 minutes later he still hadn't come down, so I went by myself. He stuck his head out the loft and told me he'd go as he saw me leaving... well I was already dressed by then, what's the point!

Yes, it's frustrating that he doesn't stop and think 'maybe I should ask her if she wants to pop a romcom on, cuddle on the sofa, then when the baby has finished feeding I'll sit and hold him. Or I'll bring her drinks and snacks'. The Friday evenings don't bother me too much, well, they kind of do.. but the Sunday's as well...? I feel like that's taking the piss a bit.

I don't plan on mix feeding, no. I'm so, so proud of myself for breastfeeding this time so really want to stick with it. It's just unfortunate that baby won't even rake the occasional bottle of expressed milk for me to grab a few hours to myself.

Honestly OP I think your DH doesn't sound very supportive.

As PP have said, if you can't get time alone at least you should be able to relax on the sofa with a film or box set, bf the baby. as and when you need to. And your DP should of course be bringing you drinks and offering you snacks, at a minimum - it's one of the perks of bf. I really think you need to try to talk to him about it.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your DH. One thing I found was DC needed feeding less frequently when out and about. If you can send DH to the park etc (trickier in this weather) you might get a longer break.

You have husband problems!! I'd be taking baby up and handing little one over for a few hours to do your own thing. Men (i believe) target your guilty button, they keep pressing til you snap and cave. But don't give in!! I'd be setting a few ground rules and sticking to them, agree who does what an go from there. You bloody well deserve it- your superwoman! Well done for achieving your breastfeeding, it's hard work and very draining!

Husband done his part and it was my god send other wise I'd have gone insane. On a few occasions I went to my sisters and fell asleep on her sofa 😀 She would also fed me coffee and chocolate!

I am in exactly the same boat OP. I have a 3 year old who was BF for 6 months. And now a 4 month old who is BF.

I have to say, i get furious at my DH if he gets any time to himself, simply because I don't have the choice. I know that is awful, but I just find it so unfair.

He always tells me to bottle feed so he can help more, and that infuriates me as well!

Have to agree with pp, breastfeeding is not the issue here. When I was cluster feeding, I'd sit with a pillow, food drink and not move for hours. DH would sit with me and we binged tv series. He took bathtime as his thing (I bathed them for the first time alone at 18 months) so I always had a break then. Mine are twins so I don't know how older children impact things, but I guess it just makes his behaviour on a Sunday worse.

I get it and it does get easier. You should ask for some time to useful in the evenings too, your DH can wear baby in a sling. If you give baby a big feed they should be fine for 2-3 hours. I'm still bf my 9 month old and it's so much easier as she has food and water too and her dad has been rocking her to sleep for bedtime and wake ups for a couple of months (I do feed her too if it's my turn or he's having trouble settling her). I even had a night out a four of weeks ago (7.30-10pm). It feels like it will never end but the time goes so quickly.

Your husband needs to step up and do more.

Use the time between feeds to have some time to yourself, your husband can care for the children. I know it's not much time between feeds but it's still better than nothing

To be honest it doesn't sound like the actual breastfeeding is the problem, your useless husband is.. can you not talk to him and explain how shit he's being and that you need him to do more??

I know it's not quite the same but if baby is more settled in the morning could you find a Saturday or Sunday morning yoga class? Or just go sit in a local Cafe and have tea and cake by yourself?
I think you should spell it out to your DH "I'd like to spend some time alone/watching a film with you in the evening"

2 things. First of all talk to your DH and explain how hard you're finding everything and that you need him to spend less time in his man cave and more time supporting you.

Second, just hang in there! Your cluster feeding days are numbered at 3 months in. Once baby is a bit older everything should calm down a bit.

Well done on breastfeeding