Breastfeeding mums - how do you deal with having no time to yourself?

[Brooklyn999]

Currently breastfeeding DC3 (have three under three), didn’t breastfeed DC1 or 2 due to a whole host of problems, so I’m very proud that we’ve just entered the third month of successful breastfeeding. But, I’m really starting to struggle with never having any time to myself.

My days are full on, as you can imagine with 3DC’s under 3; I’m constantly wrangling two toddlers whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and juggling all the housework/lunches/dinners etc.

On a Friday evening, DH goes up in to the loft which he’s converted in to a ‘man cave’ (I hate that term, but no other way to describe it!) from just after we’ve got the eldest two DC’s in bed - usually 7ish - until around 10:30/11pm. So that’s ‘his time’ to chill out and relax and wind down with no DC’s around. But last weekend, he also went up there on the Sunday evening too, and he’s doing the same again tonight after having already been up there on Friday. While I don’t have a massive issue with him going up there (though his company would be nice), I am quietly seething that I can’t do that. Dc3 will not take a bottle of expressed milk and will only settle with me, so I can’t just fuck off to a different part of the house and enjoy some personal time entirely to myself, as every damn evening, I’m stuck cluster feeding or being ‘on call’ for when the baby does wake up for a feed (he doesn’t sleep for very long stretches). Literally, the only time I ever get to myself, is when I eventually manage to grab a 5 minute shower, and even then, either dh or DC1 will be popping in and out the bathroom to use the toilet/talk to me about something mundane.

I’m frustrated that I’m stuck on the sofa, feeding, no one to talk to whilst DH is free to do his own thing. I don’t want to give up breastfeeding, but just wondering if I’m BU to feel like this shit is fucking hard, and relentless. And to wonder if I’m ever going to get the opportunity to sit by myself for a few hours!?!

Ok, so from reading the majority of these replies I feel a lot better (and maybe more justified?) about feeling pissed at him.

When dc3 was born, I was completely ok with DH using the loft every Friday for his down time as back then, I was wildly unaware of how difficult evening feeds/settling could be (originally planned to bottle feed and did for the first two days!), but now that I've seen how rough and long and challenging breastfeeding can be, it would be nice to have his support. These extra sundays are definitely pushing me over the edge too. He's also seen and is well aware of how frequently the baby cluster feeds of an evening, and I'm sure he must know that id much rather him down here with me than him scurrying away to the loft twice a week.

I'm not sure whether talking to him will solve much. He'll probably view it as 'why can't I have MY time just because she can't'

I breastfed both mine first for 16 months and second still going at 19 months. You are doing amazingly well and I felt exactly the same, although my husband was more attentive than yours sounds. I only popped on to say in my narrow experience you have done the hard bit now. You will find the time starts to stretch between feeds which lets you do more. In 4 years with my two I have had 1 night off, and yes I did and do find it tough. However I have made peace that for this limited time I have sacrificed a bit of my social life to enable me to feed my children in this way. This is coming to an end now and I intend to get my social life back on track as soon as it does. Good luck with it all.

I haven't read many other posts but I'm sitting on the sofa bf my cluster feeding dc3.
I can tell you this is my 3rd bf child and it goes fast. Before you know it they aren't feeding any more or feeding only a few times a day and you are free again.
Well done for getting this far. Xx

I'm also sat breast feeding my DC3 (only a month in). DH really has had to step up with DC1 and DC2 and has taken on the bulk of household chores. I think you need a little chat with him about just how hard breastfeeding is.

Congrats OP it’s hard work and you’re doing brilliantly! However, you have a DP problem and you need to nip it in the bud. He can’t breastfeed the baby but he can bath them, take them after a feed so you can have a decent/shower bath, take them for a walk for 20 minutes so you can read a book/sit in peace. What he can’t do is read your mind, stop being a martyr and TELL him you need him to be present and support you, and to take the baby. Don’t ask, he’s not doing you a favour.

To be fair to DH, he has taken over the bulk of the work with DC1 and 2 when he's home. When he gets in from work throughout the week, he does their bedtime routine as I'm stuck on the sofa feeding DC3 from just after we've had dinner, until sometimes 10 at night. If the other two wake in the night (they sometimes do, but often don't) he'll go in to them and give them some water etc.

He pitches in and does a lot of laundry at the weekends to lighten my load through the week, so it's not like he sits around doing nothing at all and that's why I'm mostly ok with him having the Friday evening 'off' so to speak.

I just feel as though adding in a Sunday evening too is taking it a bit too far when DC3 is this young. I'm obviously aware there's not a whole lot he can do for a breastfed baby, but having his company/someone to watch a movie or series with, and someone to bring me drinks and snacks would be nice.

I did end up saying to DH last night that as of next weekend, I'd really appreciate it if he could only use the loft on Fridays, as per the original agreement, and I said that I was a bit miffed that he needed me to point out to him that him going up there what's essentially been 4 evenings in just over week isn't really on or fair on me, and he said 'mhmm, ok I won't'. He's not a massive talker and often feels 'put on the spot' and like I'm trying to be confrontational no matter how softly I speak but hopefully me point blank telling him that I need him to be a bit more proactive of a weekend evening, might make him step up.

Hope he takes it all on board @Brooklyn999

I think it can be a bit too easy to pounce on any/all opportunities for some headspace when you have kids; it’s easy to forget that you have an adult relationship that needs attention too. This should be something that’s a nice thing to do in theory although I know it’s hard when you feel like you spend 24/7 taking everyone else’s needs into account.

To be honest I think your post should have read 'mums with selfish husbands - how do you...'
Breastfeeding is hard mentally, and looking back, I'm not sure how much I enjoyed it for the reasons you describe. I think 4 ot 5 months is the hardest part actually, you're out of the newborn fug and actually feel like going out again etc but not weaning yet so you cant do anything for more than a couple of hours.

Is your baby in a feeding schedule of sorts? I think by 3 or 4 months both of mine had a rough schedule and so there was usually once during the day when I knew I'd be safe to leave them for a couple of hours and pop out by myself. But even then, the mental pressure of knowing I couldn't go and meet friends in another city by myself or that I always had to come back with plenty of time to spare in case I got stuck in traffic, was just quite a lot to take (for me). I'd go and get my hair cut and spend the whole time panicking they weren't going to be finished before the next feed was due.

When mine were about 7 months I night weaned both of them (actually my husband did because it was easier) and at least then I had evenings to myself and could have a few drinks etc knowing I wasnt needed between 7pm and 7am.

But to be honest with a breastfeeding baby and two pre schoolers, I actually wouldnt expect you to be doing any housework. I kept my first in nursery 3 days when I had my second and I still only managed a bit of washing and some cooking. When are you supposed to do it in between entertaining toddlers and breastfeeding and settling and playing with and nappy changing s young baby? I think your husband should be suggesting ways of giving you a break (eg childcare for a day or so a week), coming home and holding the baby while you do whatever then pitching in with the rest of the housework until its done. Looking after 3 small children is much harder than most work, so it shouldn't be him needing a break (from his family!?) when he gets in

I remember the frustration well.
For the first 5 months I didnt really leave our bedroom because it just didnt seem like there was much point.

Having a shower was impossible.
He fed literally every half an hour.
Napped very rarely in the day.

He at least took a bottle of expressed milk but it was a pain in the bum getting that done.

I found the fact that OH got to go out to work and socialise with other humans really hard to cope with. He could go out on a night out no problems. It was really tough. I couldn't even get a quick 10 minute workout done.

It does pass though. Thats all I can say. I finally got my free time in the evenings when he was one. Started using a floor bed and video camera and I could finally have my free time. I still really value my free time in the evenings but weve got no.2 on the way so itll be like going backwards again for a bit.

This time, I'm investing in a wrap to keep baby on me pretty much all day whilst I tend to the toddler. DS never wanted to be put down and I assume alot of BF babies are the same. So lesson learnt. Baby will be constantly next to me.

The hardest part for me, by far, was accepting that I could not be a separate being for more than 5 minutes. Once I accepted it though, camped out on my sofa with some Netflix and was there for the days pretty much 😂

The baby isn't quite on a schedule yet no, just feeding on demand which could look anything like feeding every 2 hours all day and all night, or it could be feeding every half hour. There's still no rhyme or reason to it, so unfortunately, it's not even as if I could pop out by myself on a Saturday afternoon, as there's no saying when the baby will want feeding.

I wholeheartedly agree that DH should be trying to (somehow!) find a way to give me a break too, but I understand that isn't easy right now, and breaks for me will be few and far between until the feeding settles down.
But I also believe that everyone is entitled to at least a couple hours per week to themselves.

I often tell DH that he actually has it far easier than I do - I know work is no picnic, but as PP pointed out, I too get annoyed knowing he's out of the house every day, away from the kids, conversing with other adults on a daily basis, whilst I'm up to by eyeballs in poopy nappies and scrubbing crayon off of the walls whilst juggling everything else that comes with running a house and raising kids. That being said, just because he doesn't deal with what I deal with, that doesn't mean he's less deserving of some me time.

I think the whole 'my body not being my own' thing is getting to me too. I've spent the best part of the last 4 years being almost consistently pregnant, and I was so looking forward to having my body back, just for me. I planned to formula feed based on what I went through trying to breastfeed DC1 and 2 and epically failing, but we completely nailed it this time around and while I am so proud and so thankful that I get to experience breastfeeding this time, it's just another long, continuation of my body not being my own and me not being able to catch a break.

I even get jealous that DH can take hour long baths if he so desires (and frequently does!). I think I've had one bath in three months, and I had to cut that short as the baby wasn't settling whatsoever with DH, so now I just have to take 5 minute showers as and when I get the chance, which, disgustingly, isn't as often as it should be!

Weird behaviour from your DH. Why doesn't he want to spend time with you?

What you’re saying completely resonates with me and it’s really tough. Thing is there’s not really a solution that doesn’t involve you going a path that you don’t really want to or actually guaranteed to work I.e stopping bfeeding. I understand that you don’t want to give up because it’s hard, you want it not to be hard in this particular way at the moment. It will get better you just have to bide your time.

I don’t think many people understand that sometimes you don’t really want things ‘fixing’ as such but you do need vent and have your circumstances acknowledged. I’m guilty of it myself - my automatic response to someone else’s issue is to look for a solution which is strange as I often just need to vent.

You well know how quickly baby’s change at this age and you’re more than reasonable to ask your dh for whatever you think will help you get through this particular period.

Weird behaviour from your DH. Why doesn't he want to spend time with you?

Is it weird? It’s certainly not supportive or particularly kind but I don’t think it’s weird.

I've only got one, so it isn't comparable really. When I feel touched-out or tired, I give him to DH. The issue really is that your DH isn't stepping up, so you need to have that conversation with him. Apart from cluster feeding times mine got to sleeping right through the first part of the evening from dinner until bedtime quite soon, which helped. Also feeds do eventually get much shorter and less frequent; it took a long time here for that to happen, but it's true that eventually breastfeeding takes less and less time.

If the baby won't take a bottle, your DH can try feeding expressed milk from a cup.

OP you’re being incredibly gracious, far more than I would be! Yes work is no picnic but he has so much time for himself and to just BE and he owes you that, whatever that looks like for you. Even if it’s a 10 minute shower rather than a 5 minute one! You keep saying he’s stepped up/does X to lighten your load etc - he is their parent, it’s his household too, he isn’t doing you or the kids a favour. He’s simply doing what all parents do. Please don’t put your own needs constantly at the bottom of the pile, communicate them and tell him what you need. ‘The baby has fed now, I need a shower, you need to take her.’ And go.