To ask how people cope with feelings of despair?

[gh15]

I'm having a difficult time at the moment. I got married in the summer and we split up recently because we both realised it was a mistake (it was rushed because of a terminal diagnosis of one of my parents)

Even though he ended it after we both realised it wasn't right as we wanted vastly different things that we stupidly didn't properly discuss beforehand I feel tremendous guilt and regret over the whole thing and I'm experiencing anxiety like never before. I've always had anxiety but I feel horrific, for going ahead with it when I had major doubts, for saying those vows in church :( I don't know how to pull myself out of this and I feel like I'm always going to feel this way. I know people probably won't have been through this exact situation but has anyone done things they deeply regret and how do you move past it?

Anyone?

This will pass .. I have lost a few close family member and a close friend of over 30 years ... time is a great healer, give yourself time it isn't an instant fix.

Have you been to your GP, are you getting help for your anxiety?

Thank you for replying. I had cbt 2 years ago for anxiety and it did help a bit, I was prescribed antidepressants earlier this year but was too scared to take them for fear of not feeling like myself, and friends I've told have said they are impossible to come off

It will absolutely pass. And actually, you’ve done a brilliant thing in splitting up before you had children or before you ended up really stuck and unhappily married. You should be celebrating!
Is your parent still alive? I lost a parent to terminal cancer and it was one of the worst things I’ve been through. Be kind to yourself.
If the anxiety is overwhelming, see your GP. A short course of meds could help, as could counselling

Thank you so much. Yes my mum is still here, it's the most devastating thing that's happened to me when she was diagnosed I felt the rug was pulled from under me. I'm back at home now spending as much time as possible with her and she's been so so supportive about us breaking up, if anything she blames herself that we rushed into it because of her (she also has awful anxiety). I just feel like a complete failure and can't believe how awful my life has been this year

Ok here’s how I coped in the immediate aftermath of my marriage tanking: LISTS

Lists of bands I could go and see
Lists of places I’d like to go visit
Researched group holidays about going to view manatees and stuff in Florida
All of the food I could eat without criticism

And did as many of them as I could. One of them changed my life and I met my bow DH and we have three children.

I was as you are now, an anxious ball but I felt free of the fear of leaving (as I’d done it) and the anxiety ebbed away in time.

Treat yourself kindly, like you would a chum that had been through the same.

If it becomes troublesome or stops you functioning, beta blockers may help. But head to your GP even if it is to give them the heads up.

@gh15 I’d definitely recommend seeking help. My DH recently had a traumatic bereavement and counselling (specifically psychotherapy, not bereavement counselling) helped a great deal. You’ll be able to work through all your feelings and start working out how to live life as you. This is a hard time for you, but you can get through it and actually learn and grow from it. X

Please reconsider the meds. Yes there can be side effects, but for the vast majority of people they are temporary. I’ve been taking them for 3 months now and far from not feeling like myself, I am feeling more like myself than I’ve been in years. And - assuming they are the modern ones - they are NOT addictive, you just have to come off them in a controlled way with your doctor’s support.

OP of antidepressants work you can stay on them long term If you like and there might be very few side effects. My DP says they have been life-changing, has no side effects

Thanks everyone. I think I will go to the gp as I can't go on like this, I know I sound like an absolute nutter but I keep worrying I'm going to hell because of saying vows in church. I swear to speak to me I am a normal person! I'm doing a PhD and have such amazing career prospects ahead of me and even considering taking a job abroad now, but these feelings are all consuming at the moment

And I’m sorry about your mum. The same happened to me and it was devastating. Watching a parent you love die is terrible. Say everything you want to say, spend lots of time with her.
Honestly, there are far worse things in life than ending a short marriage. Well done both of you for realising it’s not what you want. You age. Freed yourself up to meet somebody else. You’re not a failure

Absolutely go to the GP and try antidepressants if this is ruining your life. You may feel worse initially but then improve dramatically

Sorry for typos!

Thanks so much @Oly4 I will go to the gp I guess there's nothing to lose at this stage. Yes our relationship was just not working at all, once the dust settled we both realised how incompatible we are and how we were making each other miserable, it was a sad decision but definitely for the best and we've actually been able to stay incredibly amicable and friendly, I think we were basically just friends anyway as our sex life was almost non existent, and I'm only 28!

Best advice I ever got was playing really loud music that you love ( with headphones if you have neighbours ) and dancing around the room as if no one was watching. I don't know why but it really helps re set a bad day.

So sorry about your parent @Oly4 it's devastating isn't it, I'm really making the most of soaking up all the time I have with her, I'm so close to her I just wanted to make her happy by getting married as she loved my partner, but she can now see that we weren't right together

Christian here. You will not go to hell for getting divorced. At my church, we have loads of divorcees who attend and they are not judged or looked down upon at all.

Thank you @Littlemeadow123 I've just been panicking myself reading so much online, mostly from evangelical websites. I always latch onto something to panic about and it's this at the moment!

Try to build a supportive community amongst your peers at Uni with coffee meetups, fun reading groups and social evenings. PhDs can end up isolating as you're often working on your own project. It's the ultimate in delayed gratification! Try your Uni counselling support service too, and make sure your supervisor knows that you're having a few challenges right now.

I absolutely promise you, OP, that my god is absolutely fine with people making mistakes and learning from them. Unconditional love doesn't judge

Do not stress about hell and such

Concentrate on you, spending time with your mum and finding ways to balance yourself and your life as much as possible

Thanks so much @Goldenchildsmum that really helps to hear.

Thank you @MoodLighting I'm right at the very end of my PhD so not the best time for all this to be happening, and as I'm at home I'm away from the university as it's a different city, but I'm hoping starting a temporary job soon which I'm hopefully will give me some structure and routine again

Thank you for replying. I had cbt 2 years ago for anxiety and it did help a bit, I was prescribed antidepressants earlier this year but was too scared to take them for fear of not feeling like myself, and friends I've told have said they are impossible to come off

I can understand that. I too was reluctant to go on the things a few years ago when I was having a bad time coping. I said something to that effect to my GP who, very intelligently, pointed out that I wasn't feeling like 'myself' now. And the fact that I had gone to her about it meant I knew that.

They're not magic pills. They don't 'instantly' solve anything - in fact things seemed to get worse for a short while but slowly things improved.

And then one day I realised I was myself again.

Coming off them (for me) was easy. Because I was myself again and didn't need them, I came off them. Like when a plaster cast has done its job. The bones have knitted - you're healed, it's time to take off the support. I didn't have a relapse. Didn't suffer any withdrawal symptoms. Just came off them and was back to being me. A slightly more self- aware and self-caring me, more aware of, and alert to, the danger signs of depression. But me again.

Meds made me feel like my old self again. I’m off them now, and touch wood I seem to be through the crisis. A traumatic event triggered my blackness. The feeling of bleakness and despair was truly frightening. Mixed with anxiety I also exhibited irrational behavior, swinging between flight or fight whenever even a mild obstacle presented itself. I tried CBT but didn’t get the right therapist in my view. So I turned to meds and am so glad I did. I had a false start coming off and the sense of doom returned. Now though at the secind time if trying I’m off. I think my brain has remembered its old self at last and allowed me to do so.
So don’t discount meds. There is help and hope x

Gosh Sandman. Cross post! Exactly my experience! But you expressed it better