To come to aibu to ask for advice?

[namechangedforhelpx]

I hope I'm not BU, I just know this board gets a lot of traffic.

I have heard something about a long time friend of mines (let's call her Sarah) new partner. It's bad. Myself and two friends know we have to tell her but don't know how.

I haven't seen "sarah" in a couple of years but we would still be there for each other at the drop of a hat if needed. But this obviously makes it more difficult having not been in touch.

What do we do? Please help

What is it that you have found out about her new partner? Is it something that you are able to prove?
If it’s something that’s going to make her get emotional (cry/get angry) then it needs to be done in a private place rather than a cafe

I think it depends on what the bad thing is. A rumour he might be having an affair keep out of it, that he has a conviction for DV or in some way living a double life, tell her.

What is the bad thing?

In what way 'heard'? If you dont have irrefutable evidence, tread very very carefully...

Send her a letter Anonymously.

If you think she might be in danger in any way, obviously tell her - just say that you have to let her know for her own safety. She might not want to be friends any more but at least you'll have tried to protect her.
If it is an affair type scenario - then I think you have to base whether you tell her on what you know about her as a person. I know everyone says 'keep your nose out' but when my H was having an affair I wish someone had told me.

It's a hard question to answer without knowing the bad thing or knowing your friend. She maybe knows already.

I think it very much depends how bad we are talking. And how you found out, and whether you have any proof

I disagree with anonymous letters. I think it's a really horrible way to find out something upsetting. If you are delivering bad news you should do it person to person, ideally face to face in her own home. But if not possible at least over the phone

Depends.
Have you heard gossip that he snogged someone else?
Does he live with her and her kids and you’ve found he’s on the sex offenders register?
I wouldn’t spread rumour but if I had evidence he could be dangerous then I would let her know.

Can you contact any of her family members and tell them?
I wouldn’t send her a letter or anything that he might be able to read if there would be any concern for her safety.

An anonymous letter is definitely not the way to go, why would she believe some randomer?

Ok so a very trusted friend or mine (let's call her Zoe for that is not her name) was told by a trusted friend of hers (let's call her Laura for a don't know her name), that Sarahs bf of about 6mths, sexually assaulted her (Laura) a couple of years ago.

Ive never met said bf and as I said, haven't seen Sarah in a couple of years.

I don't think they live together and she has no kids (I don't think he does either but not sure)

That's too many steps away. Laura told Zoe told you told (maybe) Sarah.

Why should Sarah believe something you heard from a friend of a friend?

I think the best way forward is to have a Christmas get together as you haven't seen Sarah in aaaaaages. She can wax lyrical about her amazing new boyfriend and you can get a feel for the situation.

Zoe is a mutual friend of Sarah and I, she has known Sarah for the same length of time I have. Zoe is our "grown up friend" (although we're all over 35) and very much trusted. So it's not that separated.
I don't want her to feel like we didn't come straight to her and be honest about what we've heard. I don't want to lead her into telling us all about him then drop on her that we've know this and let her go on iyswim? I don't want to risk him hurting her while we are faffing about making plans.
Oh god this is shit.

You have no proof and you don't even know the name of this Laura person.
I agree that meeting her and feeling the situation with her bf is best.
If Zoe is a mutual friend of Sarah she could tell her as she is closer to Laura.
Or leave it because really you have no proof and haven't seen her in years so a bit weird to suddenly be interfering.

Well really it's on Zoe but also I'd check with Laura if she's happy with this being told. I'm assuming Laura never went to the Police? Would Zoe telling Sarah who'd potentially tell BF put Laura Inn danger?

Exactly that, if Zoe told Sarah it might lead back to Laura, Laura is scared of him and his family, this is also why she didn't report it apparently. We can't disbelieve Laura can we? If she says she was assaulted surely she should be believed?

You cannot tell her something that you have found out through someone from someone you don’t know.
If zoe thinks Laura is trustworthy then Zoe needs to tell sarah. Why would it be bad if sarah found out it was through laura? Surely knowing who her boyfriend sexually assaulted adds weight to it being true.

If you tell Sarah then you will have to tell her that you do not know who this person is so cannot be sure if it’s accurate

It's hearsay. Sorry, but no, don't tell your friend.

It's not about disbelieving Laura. It's about having sufficient evidence to tell Sarah. Two entirely different things.

If you can't even tell Sarah how you and Zoe know - because you can't say it's Laura - then that makes it difficult.

Thinking about it more, I do have good friends who I could break this news to and know they'd understand I thought it was credible enough.

I still think you have to do it face to face though.

Surely knowing who her boyfriend sexually assaulted adds weight to it being true and puts Laura, the victim, directly at risk, presumably against her will.

I would tell her. I would want to be told if a friend of a friend had been abused by my new partner. I have been in an abusive relationship and not been Told about his past. I would like to have been warned, even if it was "hearsay"

We don't want to put Laura at risk by him finding out she told. Laura told Zoe to tell Sarah, she contacted her for exactly that reason. Laura tried to add Sarah on fb today to speak to her herself but Sarah declined and blocked her. This has made us concerned that he may have made something up to make Sarah ignore Laura eg that Laura is a lunatic/jealous/crazy ex.

So if Laura has been willing to tell Sarah herself, why aren't you and Zoe able to tell Sarah that Laura is the source?

and puts Laura, the victim, directly at risk, presumably against her will

If laura is the only person that he has done this to then Laura is at risk regardless.

Also, if Laura has tried to add Sarah on FB then he will know it is her.

You post is confusing though as you said that Laura was going to tell Sarah but then you don’t want him finding out it came from Laura.

I see your point but if he's already told Sarah that Laura is after causing trouble it will be less believable if it's from her iyswim?
I know that Sarah will believe that we are telling her for the right reasons, she knows we wouldn't come to her if we weren't truly concerned.
I know people disagree with me but I don't think keeping quiet is an option because we would never forgive ourselves if something happened to Sarah and we'd had the opportunity to warn her. I also don't think we should involve anyone else eg ask others opinions on him etc because I'm pretty sure she'd rather we went directly to her.