Boyfriend talking about woman at his work

[Caramel78]

Dp and I live together and share an iPad which we both use for Facebook. I went onto mine earlier and realised it was his as he hadn’t logged out. There was a message open to his work colleague from my DP saying “I could look at her ass all day”. The colleague wrote back saying “hahaha” and my DP replied with “she’s so hot”.
I’ve read the rest of the thread and that’s the only mention of stuff like that.
I queried it with him and was pissed off. He eventually admitted it was the accountant at his work who they all have “office banter” together about her being good looking.
I’m quite surprised as my DP is the quiet nerdy type who I thought was a bit more respectful.
Should I just let it go as “office banter”?
I’m feeling very grumpy with him but part of me knows most of us can say silly things to fit in.
Would you be pissed off about this or just let it go? Thanks

I’d be upset

I think it's very disrespectful to the accountant at his work. Maybe he should grow up and start treating woman as professional colleagues not pieces of meat to be ogled and have 'banter with the lads' over.
Would he be happy if this woman saw what he and others are writing about her ? - She'd be quite justified in officially complaining about their behaviour.

Apart from it being disrespectful (to his colleague and to you) I find this sort of leering over women rather creepy. But only you can decide whether you are OK with his behaviour.

The woman’s partner works at the same place and my DP is friends with him so it seems even more disrespectful to me.
He is trying to minimise it by saying it’s such banter that means nothing. He was the one who started the message to his colleague though. It’s not as if the colleague sent it to him and he just agreed under peer pressure. He’s in his 30s and should have grown out of such immature laddish behaviour by now.
Grrrrrrr

You’re kind of deluded if you think people don’t talk about other attractive people they see at work. Maybe a woman wouldn’t phrase it quite like that or be so overt but I’ve been involved in plenty of conversations like that. I doubt my workplace is unique

I would be annoyed, not through some kind of jealousy but because we all know women struggle to be taken seriously at work. My OH worked in oil & gas and the floor was extremely male dominated, and I knew about the way they spoke about the young female apprentices. I wouldn’t make a huge deal of it, but he’d know I found it poor.

I find it perfectly normal for people to discuss those they find attractive, and yes men tend to express themselves in starker ways. It is up to you whether you find such discussions disrespectful, or what manner of expressing it crosses your line.

All that said, changes the situation when people make comments that aren't private, or they haven't made a sifficient effort to keep them private.

Leaving them around in written form for anyone else to find, is a different matter than just having the conversation in private.

Ok thanks everyone. Interesting to get another perspective as wasn’t sure if I was being silly or not

My vagina would clamp shut at this level of knuckle-dragging ‘banter’. What a lovely environment for this woman to work in.

It happens, and it’s not just men. I’ll admit that there was an utterly gorgeous police escort in attendance on my ward last week and many comments were exchanged between the nursing staff

I know it happens and we’ve probably all commented on an attractive work colleague once in our lives.
I was just a bit shocked by the “would stare at her ass all day” as it seems so out of character for him (he’s incredibly introverted and polite normally). So I now feel like he must behave differently at work to how he is anywhere else.

Deluded? I think that a lot of people are more respectful than that. I've worked for nearly 30 years and have managed to keep my opinions about colleagues looks to myself.

I can honestly say that I have never worked in a workplace where women have have ongoing 'office banter' about the ass of a male member of staff.

Crikey. I’d hate that. Yes obviously he can find other people attractive. Everyone does. But it’s the juvenile and disrespectful nature of the comment that would turn me right off him.

Like a PP said it’s almost like she’s an object not a person with feelings. I’d be repulsed if I found my male colleagues were talking about me like that and I’d certainly be making a complaint to HR.

I’d be telling him to grow the fuck up and behave professionally instead of like an under sexed 18 year old.

No this is gross! There's nothing wrong with appreciating that someone else is good looking, but the way he's gone about it is disgusting and gross and demeaning to that poor lady. Not okay! I'd be upset too OP.

I think I'd be upset that I'd seen it. But it wouldn't be unsual for me to comment on a man's ass that I liked with a friend, with nobody listening, even if I had a partner. I think a lot of people do it.

You’re kind of deluded if you think people don’t talk about other attractive people they see at work. Maybe a woman wouldn’t phrase it quite like that or be so overt but I’ve been involved in plenty of conversations like that. I doubt my workplace is unique

True, but putting it on Facebook is inappropriate.

Men don't talk in the same way when women are not present. I have worked in pubs/bars for many years and have heard groups of men say some abhorrent shit when they think they aren't being overheard. Your partner is very stupid to put things like that in a typed message though, enough evidence for HR if anyone were to report.

I’d be mortified by my husband if he behaved this way, hugely disrespectful to the woman in question.

Sorry and also hugely disrespectful to you.

In my late teens I worked in a company in which most of the workforce was male except for the office staff. The amount of explicit banter aimed at the young male employees when they had to visit the offices was really intimidating. Inappropriate chat is not an exclusively male preserve.

I wouldn’t like that kind of talk at all. Obviously I don’t know how my dh talks when I’m not around, I know it’s how a lot of men talk, I hated it when I was younger when it was the norm to say it right to your face. What was the need for him to let others know. Yanbu.

I really really wouldnt be happy. I know that in some circles its seen as harmless 'banter', but I view it differently. And no I've never said anything like that at work. I work with mainly men and theres a lot of swearing, drinking etc and there is some acknowledgement when someone is attractive but that's it, once it's been acknowledged then it's not really mentioned again. Its normally over some customer that's new (when you're having the 'how did the meeting go, what were they like' conversation). There was one guy who used to bang on about what he thought about various women and how hot they were and what he wanted to do to them and he came across as sleazy and sexist.

Other reasons I dont like it -

Does he say nice stuff about you? I'm guessing not because its seen as acceptable to say positive things about other people but not about your partner for some reason and that's quite sad

I feel its disrespectful to you. If my partner said stuff like this, unless he was generous with compliments to me as well, it would be making me paranoid that my ass or whatever wasnt good enough for him and getting naked infront of him would be awkward, I'd be thinking he was thinking about this other woman when we were being intimate etc

It isn't great for his career. If she ever found out (eg saw something left open on his or his colleagues computer or a message flash up on a phone) then he would be in trouble.

Its one thing saying something in that moment eg when someone is bent over infront of you picking something up, it's normal to think 'oh nice ass'. Its not really normal to still be thinking it hours later when you're at home with your partner, and start a message thread to your colleague to have 'banter' about it

Its also just sleazy and disrespectful to her. I mean imagine finding out collesges had been messaging each other about you saying that they wanted to stare at you all day. In most cases, most people would be freaked out, especially if you got on with them and considered them decent colleages or friends

If he is writing stuff like this then I'd be surprised if he isn't actually fairly leery at work. 'I could stare at that ass all day' doesn't really sound likely that in reality he has a quick peek then gets back to his work.

Would he really really be happy with you messaging a colleague when you get back home to say 'god I can't wait for x to present his work to us, I'm going to be staring at his crotch the whole time - you can tell his cock is massive'. Would he just laugh and say 'ha ha that's great bantz'?

I know my outlook is extreme in this and different to a lot of people, me and my husband dont ever sit infront of the tv and say 'oooh hes fit' type of thing (though we would say if asked - I'm not stupid enough to think that people dont notice / appreciate/ fantasise about other people)- I just think doing it publically is a bit disrespectful to your partner especially if it's someone you know in real life and not a distant celebrity

I think a lot of it is that feeling that they're not who they've portrayed themselves to be when they do stuff that seems out of character, it makes us wonder how much else of what we think we know about them is actually true.

Last year, we had about a dozen tradesmen, builders etc working on an extension we built on our house. I had a really good relationship with them and thought they were genuinely lovely, respectful men.

Until DH told me about the vile things they said about women when he was there alone. Really shockingly sleazy, offensive stuff. Most of them were married and came across as such nice guys - it really gave me pause for thought.

Disrespectful and would never be acceptable where I work.