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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Change of Venue AIBU ?

35 replies

RockinHippy · 01/12/2019 11:19

Opinions please if IABU for being peed off over the following & think DH should stand his ground on it as well as me?

Friend arranged a Xmas get together in London. Set up group & invited us all to comment on potential areas to meet in as everyone is scattered & not all of us are in London, we aren't. Central area with excellent train connections & cheaper hotels if needed.

A week before the get together friend decides to change venue to right on their doorstep in a far harder to access part of town, think 1 in 3 trains stopping at the station, no underground etc. Citing that they think first venue might be too busy & too young. Also ruled out another venue closer to their home, not great access, but better than the place they've now moved it too. Also apparently also too busy. There are many other pub choices that haven't even been considered, they've just gone fir what is basically their local pub. Thankfully we haven't already booked a hotel as intended in the first area. Hotels in new area are surprisingly expensive & just not affordable

I've let it be known that I'm disappointed as I'd intended to go to the first venue, but new venue is just too much extra faff for me & it's steps agogo, plus dark unlit walk & I'm disabled which I haven't reminded her of as I shouldn't bloody have too cue trying to convince me it's fine, which I've just politely insisted that it isn't & I know both station & new pub well, which I do as I lived near there for years. Other suggestions rejected as "probably too busy"

So I'm not now going. DH is still expected to go, which wouldn't normally bother me, but given the circumstances I don't think he should go as this isn't the first time this sort of thing as happened & I think he needs to make a stand too, rather than just moaning at me that he peed off at the change too & saying nothing as he doesn't like to stand up to this friend as they will likely make a big deal out of it. My opinion on that is, she does this because she gets away with it & therefore needs calling out on it & news his chance as I've set the ball rolling.

AIBU to think he shouldn't go either ??

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 01/12/2019 11:21

He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need his partner dictating whether he should go or not

YouNeedToCalmDown · 01/12/2019 11:23

Yanbu. Hopefully other group members will decline too.

She sounds like hard work.

EggysMom · 01/12/2019 11:24

YABU. He's entitled to an opinion, and doesn't have to demonstrate any solidarity with you. If he chooses to not go because of the inaccessibility for you, that's a choice for him to make.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 01/12/2019 11:24

I'm nit dictatingHmm, he now doesn't want to go either, but feels he can't say no as she'll make a fuss, which to me is plain daft

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 01/12/2019 11:25

He should support his disabled dw in staying home. They /she have given no thought to the lack of access for you....
She has been a selfish madam. Is that usual?

CareBear50 · 01/12/2019 11:31

He is a grown man and can make his own decision. However I'm surprised he's not wanting to show solidarity here with you, esp as your friend knows you have a disability. Person organising the get together is being very selfish. Is the friend normally selfish?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/12/2019 11:35

I think you need to remind her on the group chat that you are disabled. Some people don't realise the issues unless you spell it out.
And then if you decide not to go, be explicit why, say you can't manage and that you are sad to be excluded.
As for your DH, who does he care about upsetting more?
Because I'd be very upset if my DH went out to somewhere |I'd been deliberately been excluded from, and I would make that very clear.

AJPTaylor · 01/12/2019 11:36

Surely you go together or not at all? If one half of a couple cancelled I'd assume both weren't coming..

Pipandmum · 01/12/2019 11:38

Frankly as the one who normally organises these things I have learned you can't please everyone so I pick the venue and date. However, I certainly take into account all the factors you mentioned. Everywhere will be 'busy'! Surely a lively place is best!
Your husband can make up his own mind but I think he shouldn't go. Might make her realise how inconvenient she's made it.

DryHeaving · 01/12/2019 11:40

I agree with you.

DeathStare · 01/12/2019 11:42

So you are being excluded because of your disability - when other options are available where you could be included - and your DH is just going to ignore that and go anyway?

In my opinion, he shouldn't just not go he should be pointing out to "friend" that this effectively disability discrimination and he should be asking the rest of the group to meet somewhere accessible

Ginkypig · 01/12/2019 12:02

Well of course it is his choice if he wants to go as he is an adult but I'm telling you now if I as Dp's disabled partner was basically pushed out because the group have deliberately chose a venue that I couldn't or wouldn't feel comfortable going to even after I had pointed out that due to my disability I wouldn't be going if it was held there, my Dp wouldn't be dragged there under those circumstances!
Just as I wouldn't if a group chose somwhere he couldn't go, especially as there are other options!

Just the same as we wouldn't choose a venue that pushed out any of our friends.

Infact I suppose I good example is my Dp is having a big birthday soon and we moved to a different restaurant choice to make it easier for my family member even though technically it's slightly further for us because we want this person there. It's about compromise sometimes.

Ginkypig · 01/12/2019 12:29

I suppose I should have mentioned I am disabled so my opinion is not coming from a hypothetical perspective.

misspiggy19 · 01/12/2019 12:36

He shouldn’t go to support you. If he goes it is like he is undermining your argument about the change of venue

Jaxhog · 01/12/2019 12:53

He is a grown man and can make his own decision. However, I'm surprised he's not wanting to show solidarity here

Quite.

I don't think that you're disabled is the main point. She changed the venue at the last minute to somewhere convenient to her and inconvenient to everyone else. THAT would piss me off.

User342109097569098 · 01/12/2019 12:54

He shouldn’t go

RebootYourEngine · 01/12/2019 12:55

I have a friend who constantly does this. There is four of us in the group and we will decide to go for a nice meal for chr or someone's birthday and then all of a sudden this friend changes things and it ends up being tea and biscuits at her house(and when we go we don't even get tea or biscuits). I am the only one who will say anything, the other two just go along with it and then bitch to me about it. I have distances myself from them because it was pissing me off so much. That and other stuff.

lynzpynz · 01/12/2019 13:01

Next year get in first and do the arranging - head it off at the pass and you'll have more say this way over where you go.

Aragog · 01/12/2019 13:03

He may well be a grown adult and able to make his own decision. However it would be very odd for him to not support his wife being excluded due to these issues and the inflexibility of the friends. Id been pretty disappointed in anyone who didn't support their partner in that way.

IdleBet · 01/12/2019 13:05

He should support his disabled dw in staying home. They /she have given no thought to the lack of access for you....

Agree.

Spitsandspots · 01/12/2019 13:06

Hotels in new area are surprisingly expensive & just not affordable

So if DH is going alone where will he stay?

OverByYer · 01/12/2019 13:08

Why didn’t you organise / book it? If she’s arranging then she gets the final say .

OverByYer · 01/12/2019 13:09

Apologies I missed the accessibility issues for you.

BlackSwanGreen · 01/12/2019 13:10

Remember the friend is the one being really unreasonable here, not DH. Don't get too angry with him when this is caused by her.

OverByYer · 01/12/2019 13:11

You shouldn’t have to remind people I agree, but at the same time they might not realise how difficult it is for you t get to certain venues

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