To stay with my husband for children ?

[ohcarriemathison]

Just feeling so confused.
I'm not sure if the children being stressful are making me want to leave my DH or I just don't feel happy with him.
We've been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 3 children.
(1 older, 2 younger)
We're in the process of trying to buy a house but it's going to take at least another 6 months possibly a year.
He works full-time, does all pick ups. Takes DS to tai kwon do and swimming. He does help in the house.
I don't drink and he has a few beers Friday, Saturday and Sunday which I feel he has a few too many. But, he's not mean, he's a good Dad.
But, I just don't feel happy with him.
Not sure if I how I feel is reason to completely split our family up.
I got a new job on Friday and he really wasn't very nice about it.
I'm just not sure if we're both just exhausted. Our youngest (5) is incredibly hard work and draining.
Not sure what I'm looking for but just feeling so confused.
I feel I would be happier with him not here but maybe I'm being a bit naive about that. I also don't think our son would cope well with it.

I think as you say that your younger son would struggle you sound like you need a new interest some time to yourself rather than split up the family. You've had 20 years together you can't expect everything to keep the excitement of the early days . That's just my opinion. If that makes you think but I've got to get out then yes you should. But other than that it just sounds like you're bored.

@Soozikinzii no, I think you may be right. I don't do a lot for me and think I need to start carving out some time just for me then see how I feel.
I don't feel desperately unhappy and my husband isn't abusive in any way. Think I'm just exhausted and a bit fed up. Feeling the grass would be greener on the other side.
We are this closest we've been to selling and buying a new home and on my own there is just no way I'd manage that.

Agree that you should put aside some time and energy and effort for yourself, work out what does make you happy and go from there.

People change and neither of you will be the person you were 20 years ago. There's no desperate shame in saying "I can't do this for the rest of my life" and ending a marriage. But work out before making that decision if you're both willing to put some effort in and see if you can change it out rather than you being alone in your unhappiness and eventually calling it quits.

Staying together for the children isn't generally a positive thing. My parents stayed together til I reached 18 (I'm the youngest) and we knew way, way before they announced it that both of them had checked out. It was a hard thing to live with as a teen, and not something I would be willing to show my own DC.

Yes, what was his gripe about your new job? I'd expect congratulations, a bottle of something bubbly in the fridge, a takeaway after the DC are in bed and made to feel the cleverest woman in the world! Plus I'd expect DH to say he would pick up any slack and support me in the new role any way he could, even if he didn't totally follow through later.

I'll say it, though: congratulations on the new job; you are the cleverest woman on earth!

Ahh thanks @NearlyGranny
Since I've had my youngest 2 DC I've changed about with jobs. Always in a similar field and lots of crossover and transferable skills.
He didn't want me to go for this job as feels down the line or will make me unhappy.
I phoned him on Friday morning when I got offered the job and told him.
His words "can't wait til we're here again this time next year"
I currently don't work a Friday and have tried to negotiate that with new post. They have said they may be able to but if not what I consider every 2nd Friday and then I would have a day off in the week.
I actually think this may work out as it would mean I would get a little longer to myself once a week instead of 3 hours on a Friday morning.
He thinks I should turn the job down if I can't get the Friday off.
The job is more money and closer to home so I won't be turning it down.
I will however have to change my DD's ballet class and swimming lesson.
When he came in from work on Friday he didn't say a word about the job and still hasn't.
I told my son (10) o f out the job and he said congratulations and gave me a hug.
I'm not really sure why he's being like this about the job ?

That is pretty solid negativity for a job with so many pluses, isn't it?

Does he usually have his Eeyor hat on or is this unusual for him? It:s a disappointing response and quite undermining to be openly predicting you won't last. It would be reasonable to ask him to keep his reservations to himself, at least, and to tell him how you feel when he undermines you.

After all, we marry to be mutual support for one another, right? Where did that go?!

I generally don’t support ‘stay together for the kids’ as think parental happiness directly impacts childhood.
However, if this could be a stage of boredom or feeling generally a little unfulfilled (which does happen in a 20 year relationship) then it’s a shame to do that to the kids when you could think it a bit mistake in a few months time.

In your shoes I would spend a few weeks focusing on what makes you happy. Take up a hobby, have some time to yourself. Maybe even talk to DH about it - he may feel the same. If you’re not feeling urgency to leave him ASAP and you’re not in physical/mental/emotional danger then I’d suggest taking time to explore your options fully and ultimately make a well thought out decision that’s right for you and the kids x

@NearlyGranny no, it's a bit out character. In the past he's got me congratulations cards and flowers, chocolates if I've got a new job.
Not sure why he's being so negative. He thinks it's a mistake but I don't. I don't feel happy in my current post and I feel this will be better plus it's more money and closer to home.

Thanks @TheRightHonerable that makes a lot of sense.
I did say to him last month that I thought maybe we should split up but he said he really didn't want to do that and he thought we were fine and we are the closest we've been to moving house which is something we have been working towards.
I find it hard to take time for me.
I have a gym membership bit don't go apart from taking my DD to her swimming lesson.
I just can't seem to find motivation.
I do regularly meet up with friends for coffee, lunch.
I really want to go running again which is something I've enjoyed years ago but can't seem to take that first step.
We went away for a night in September and we had a a nice time and it was lovely having a break from our children as it's not something that happens often.

Why is he being negative about it when it seems there are no down sides? Does he want to be the sole breadwinner amd have you faffing at home catering to his and the kids every whim?

@FudgeBrownie2019 yep, definitely agree we have both changed. When we first met we would go on a lot and meet with friends. Now we have 3 children, I don't drink and we don't really met friends together anymore. He goes out occasionally and goes to football matches with our son and I'll meet friends for coffee, lunch.
I find our children hard work, but he will say, we're coming through the hardest past and it'll get easier.
I'm sorry you had that experience. I do worry that we are not created the happiest home for our children. But my son in particular would be distraught if e split. I'm not actually sure if our youngest would.
My older girl has said to me she thinks I would be happier on my own.

He works full time and sounds like he pulls his weight as well.
Maybe he's just a bit annoyed that he can't keep switching jobs and working 4 day weeks like you do.

You get a bit of time to yourself but does he?

Do you get much time together as a couple? Are you just bored of the monotony?

@Countryescape I really don't know.
I think he thinks the way we have it just now works and I'm going to upset the way it is by changing.
This job will probably be more stressful than my current role although I'm not completely sure if it will be and that will be for me to deal with.
If he makes changes then I am always really encouraging of him.
His company folded 5 years ago and I was supportive.
In July he changed jobs and I was supportive. I've always said to him I'm supportive of his decisions as it's his life and I don't understand why he is so invested in my decisions around work.
In the long term it's more money and more going into my pension.

@GiveHerHellFromUs yep, he does pull his weight.
He has a season ticket for football so goes out every other Saturday afternoon with our son. He'll meet up with family and have a beer in the pub.
He can go out whenever he wants but he doesn't really want to go out out with football.
He has had 3 jobs since he was 16 and think you have to stick at things. Which I do agree the longer you are somewhere the easier it gets but I also like change.
We never get time just us.

His 3 jobs are all the same trade and he only changed after his first company he worked for went into liquidation otherwise he would probably still be there.

It's hard to know what to do, harder still when your DC are old enough to comment. Congratulations on the job, and sorry that your DH can't/won't say that to you. It sounds very much that the new job will be a positive change for you, so you need to take it regardless of your DH's reservations. Is it possible that he's feeling depressed and struggling and just taking it out on you? I'm not making excuses, btw, because shitty behaviour is still shitty behaviour, it might be easier to work out where you go next if you know what's causing him to behave so negatively.

@FudgeBrownie2019 yeah, I have wondered this too.
He drinks cans of beer every weekend. Not loads but Friday night a few. Sat afternoon and night and Sunday afternoon and night.
I just feel that can't be good and will mask how you're feeling.

Id try and get more fulfillment from your own interests and friends. Its crazy not to have any kind of social life because you dont drink.

@Vulpine I do meet up with friends a few times a month just don't have big, crazy Saturday nights out but will meet for lunch, dinner, go to friends houses. Meet up with friends who have children the same age and do soft play, parks with kids.
We just don't meet up with friends together and go out for a big night the way we did in our 20's.

You should never stay with your husband for the sake of your children. If your relationship is bad you leave your husband for the sake of the children.

I would stay together, there it is too easy to split up.

As you say he is a good man, I think you would regret the upheaval of a split, and then ending up with nothing better.

He is probably as fed up as you. Marriage is mostly dull especially with 3 kids. Don’t think the grass will definitely be greener because having 3 kids makes it very difficult to move on. I think finding things for you is a good starting point. You have mentioned that you are a member of a gym and like running but can’t find the motivation. Why can’t
You? Are you a bit fed up with it all? Young kids are hard work and I think that stage is by far the hardest.

I wonder if your relationship is "bad", or just a casualty of working ,looking after children and so on .Can you get a babysitter at all ? Try and make a point of going out together. Its interesting how your daughter feels you may be happier by yourself .Divorce can be an option but many people break up and sometimes regret it .I think maybe some counselling may help you .He seems negative about your job though doesnt he .Do you think he feels he has to stay in his post as a man providing for his family .I wonder if hes envious of you willing to take risks and change jobs .

Long term it sounds that you are not likely to be together, we were like you, happy enough, but once the kids became independent there was nothing left. That said it's worth considering counselling and exploring your own interests, plus considering your mental health, it's a huge decision and something you should plan for rather than be sudden. I have friends that agreed to go their separate ways once the kids were in secondary school, it worked for them because it meant that they were less hung up on small annoyances for those final 3 years, and they prepare by buying a btl ready for when they needed a second house (if they changed their mind it could stay as a rental), their relationship did continue through that period btw, they just knew it wasn't for life. Get through the next few weeks first and then see how you feel as a first step