To stay with my husband for children ?

[ohcarriemathison]

Just feeling so confused.
I'm not sure if the children being stressful are making me want to leave my DH or I just don't feel happy with him.
We've been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 3 children.
(1 older, 2 younger)
We're in the process of trying to buy a house but it's going to take at least another 6 months possibly a year.
He works full-time, does all pick ups. Takes DS to tai kwon do and swimming. He does help in the house.
I don't drink and he has a few beers Friday, Saturday and Sunday which I feel he has a few too many. But, he's not mean, he's a good Dad.
But, I just don't feel happy with him.
Not sure if I how I feel is reason to completely split our family up.
I got a new job on Friday and he really wasn't very nice about it.
I'm just not sure if we're both just exhausted. Our youngest (5) is incredibly hard work and draining.
Not sure what I'm looking for but just feeling so confused.
I feel I would be happier with him not here but maybe I'm being a bit naive about that. I also don't think our son would cope well with it.

By the sounds of it, YOU are not happy with YOUR life.

I think there is plenty you can do to give yourself a bit of you time and learn to do things for yourself that you enjoy

You do also need couple time, your h is right, this is the tricky bit!

So make sure to make time for you and him as adults, get a sitter and go out together, or can the kids go to grandparents for a night/weekend?

The fact that you don’t socialise as adults together is important to highlight

You’re both investing so much time and energy in the kids that there’s nothing left for investment into your marriage

Couple time. You could save this but you do need to talk honestly about the disconnect and work actively to fix it.

You sound like you are having a bad patch, and that neither of you gets enough alone time or couple time. I have a friend who used to fantasize about divorce as she thought she would get eow 'off'. I think in your shoes you need to look at changing things within the marriage.
When mine were in nursery we used to take an annual leave day together a couple of times a year and go out (not stay ok in - you end up finding tasks to do, this is about reconnecting and having fun, not clearing out a junk room!) Could you do that?
Do they sleep at a reasonable time? Can you have a couple of hours when they are in bed, put some music on, grab a cuppa and just chat?
You may not be at the point where you want to talk for hours, but 20 mins a couple of times a week is a good start.
Friday night in the house date night - have dinner together once the kids are in bed. We used to have something yummy, easy to prepare, and often more expensive than our usual food (involving smoked salmon or cream).
Basically you have become co workers in the endeavour of raising children. You may not need to find a spark, just intimacy and positive regard for each other.

Why don’t you go out more with him or as a family on the weekend ds instead of him drinking it away?
However Agree that circumstances and relationships change over 20 years. Our social life was much better pre-kids or even when we mixed a lot with parents from kids’ primary. Now they’re teens we have lost touch with a lot of them - or I just see the mums for coffees etc. We don’t have a big joint social life - most of it is done separately but we do go out for meals, cinema, the odd party or get together.

It sounds to me like the two of you have got into a real rut and are probably bored and possibly a bit depressed.

Do the two of spend time together, doing couple things? Meals out, go for walks, maybe weekends away? And are you still friends, as well as spouses? Relationships can wither on the vine if they're not nurtured, and it's hard to put time and energy into them when you have a young family and full-time work.

This sounds to me more like a marriage that has got into a rut, rather than one which has run its course.

It sounds like you’re going through a bad patch. You also sound as if you’re at the stage of life where you want to do a bit more for yourself but are finding it difficult to get started which is natural after years of using all your time and energy on your children and family.
The beers don’t sound that bad to me.
Not congratulating you on your job is not very nice.

• His words "can't wait til we're here again this time next year" I currently don't work a Friday and have tried to negotiate that with new post. They have said they may be able to but if not what I consider every 2nd Friday and then I would have a day off in the week.

I don't drink and he has a few beers Friday, Saturday and Sunday which I feel he has a few too many. *

This is the reason he’s unhappy Your new schedule will interfere with his off time drinking pattern.

I wouldn’t mention that you may be better off apart again as sometimes planting this seed will make your DH think of this option and initiate a split and it sounds as if you’re not sure what you want to do.

If struggling to motivate yourself then maybe find something to commit to - a 10k run in a few months or similar or join a local group. Agree with others prioritise time together and time for yourself, for me easier to do if have a commitment - not I fancy a run because I won’t but I need to run because I’m doing this, or I need to do something with husband as I’ve booked leave/have babysitter etc

My older girl has said to me she thinks I would be happier on my own

How did that come up? Did she share her reasons for thinking that?

There is so much going on here I don't think splitting up is the answer. You do sound bored and in need of a change. This is what I'd do:

Why is your youngest hard work? Does something need changing or investigating? I have a 4yo who is hard work so I do get it. Do you need more of a break from them?

The running - when you take your DD swimming at the gym go and run and do stretches during the lesson. Keep doing this every week. It will get easier. Then take it outside when you get more motivated. Consider signing up for a race with friends as a goal.

Consider relationship counselling. You and your DH sound like you have a good foundation but a few niggles going out. Get booked in and talking.

Why is your DD saying you'd be better on your own? Are you talking about your relationship negatively with her? Children/Teenagers aren't always the best at making sensible grounded decisions. I wouldn't discount what she is saying but bare that in mind.

Your job- tbh if my partner was changing jobs every year ( I'm assuming that's what his comment alludes to) id have run out of patience by now. Especially if he is doing all the pick ups working full time. He's pulling his weight by the sounds of it. He didn't congrulate you as he thought you'd be unhappy in the job and stressed. Is there a truth in this? How do you react when stressed, do you bring it home with you?

The beers - if you are worried tell him and ask him to see his Gp.

I've been a bit harsh on you here op from the limited details we know, but just reading it is making me a bit frustrated with you!

@ohwheniknow I've probably spoke to her too much when I've felt unhappy which probably isn't the right thing to do.

@QuietCrotchgoblins our youngest is currently under assessment for Autism. Whether she is or not we'll see but she is very hard work. I work 4 days a week and my DH works 5 and think we are both exhausted.
Some good suggestions, going to try and start gently with exercise and build it up.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I do think maybe I need to focus on me and then we need to take some tome for each other and see how we feel after that.
I think it feels we're both just parenting, working and not much else.
Think I'll look to see if there are any babysitting services near us.
Also like like the suggestion of us both taking a cheeky annual leave day together.
We're a few weeks from Christmas then I start my new job in January. I think a New Years resolution will be to take time as individual and time as a couple.
Also o spoke to him this morning about how hurt I'd felt by his comments then lack of communication.
He said he was just joking. Gave me a hug and said congratulations and he is proud of me as always but hopes I can still be off on a Friday.

@Hagbeth I don't know if it does though. He takes her son to an activity and so doesn't get back til after 7pm and will have his first can then. That would still be the same if I was working on a Friday.

Our not her

@Digestive28 this does a good plan. I thought if I joined a gym then I would go, but don't. I thought if I joined weight watchers I'd go, but don't.
Maybe joining up for a run would help with motivation.

It could be your husband but reading between the lines you are generally unhappy at life.

@ThatssomebadhatHarry yep, you definitely could be right. I am just exhausted most of the time especially with my 3rd.

Op having a child with possible SEN and both parents working is really hard. Cut both of you some slack. Call in all the favours for babysitting and def seek paid babysitters to give you some time with your partner. I've don't the annual leave day with partner before which is great.

The exhaustion of parents ( and added paid work) shouldn't be underestimated

@QuietCrotchgoblins aww thank you so much. It does feel so hard some days. Always chasing our tails. Always got a mountain of laundry to get through.
I'm going to start running next week, hopefully this will help me feel better.
Really going to try and get some time for us.

Seriously consider outsourcing some of the housework you find the most gruelling and boring! Looked at as a fraction of your payrise it may be the one affordable thing that gives you the most extra joy. I'm glad he rowed back from grumpy words to positive, though how undermining you like that was supposed to be funny is beyond me. Best not ask. Handsome is as handsome does and only time will tell. 😕