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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner and estranged child

27 replies

Sunshine245 · 30/11/2019 20:34

Hi my partner and I have been together 9 years we now have two children and live a wonderful life together but before us my partner had another child him and the mother both being very young with the pressure of a new baby they split but she refused contact straight away so my partner persisted to make contact eventually when the child was around 2 and the ex was newly single she simply left the child with us for a weekend which I found strange as we were strangers but my partner was happy this contact continued a few months but then abruptly stopped with no reason for it. Years passed my partner trying to make contact sometimes faced with a wall of silence sometimes it would go as far as making arrangements for them to be ignored last minute, my partner has persistently tried to make contact but always been reluctant to go down the legal route as he felt it would create a bigger issue And be an unpleasant experience for the child specially as he was never named on the birth certificate. Our dd is now aware and would like to meet her half sibling also, as a mother I don’t understand refusing contact when the other parent is genuinely trying to make contact and co parent civilly any suggestions on what to do next?

OP posts:

twinsizedmattress · 30/11/2019 20:47

What to do next?
Travel back to the child's birth, go to court and have court ordered contact and pay cms from then.

It's a bit late now.

ysmaem · 30/11/2019 20:58

Your OH should've taken legal action when his ex started cutting contact all those years ago. All he's doing is keep handing over complete control to his ex. She's never going to change.

OrangeZog · 30/11/2019 21:00

Go to court.

namechange4052 · 30/11/2019 21:02

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone so unmotivated to have a relationship with their child. Whatever the ex has done is not relevant, why has he never made an application to court to see his child? Is this not what you would do if you and your DP split up and he told you that you couldn't see your DC? I don't know why you are asking what to do, you obviously know that your DP needs to go to court, there's nothing stopping him.

sue51 · 30/11/2019 21:07

Your ex should have sorted this out years ago. Go to court, sort contact and have the father's name put on the birth certificate. Unless there is a good reason court will always make a contact order. I don't understand what the bigger issue you mention could be.

DeathStare · 30/11/2019 21:09

Well he could always get back in touch with the mother and ask. If she refuses then he is left with a dilemma.

If that happens I think he needs to think carefully about whether getting back in touch now is really in the best interests of the child, rather than being what you, he or your DD want. If he really thinks it is then he should see a solicitor.

How old is the child now?

SandraOhshair · 30/11/2019 21:13

Even my very laid back DH started court proceedings and bought a house (instead of living in a flat share, as had been advised this would help) so he could see his son.

Josette77 · 30/11/2019 21:22

That's awful. Why wouldn't he fight to see his daughter???

coldwarenigma · 30/11/2019 21:39

I'm bemused by those glibly saying 'go to court' even if he did it and the mother decides to ignore the order , unless he can throw money at it, the courts will not enforce it.
My DS sees less of his DC post court action than he did before...punishment for daring to go to court. DS is going to try again to go back to court but it costs money he would rather spend on the children.

Bluerussian · 30/11/2019 21:42

It does look as though your husband has taken the path of least resistance but you know him, we don't.

I presume - hope - he has always paid maintenance even though he doesn't see his daughter. How old is she? Once she gets to sixteen she can choose whether or not to be in contact with her dad - maybe even before that.

Breathlessness · 30/11/2019 21:47

How much maintenance has he paid for his child?

User342109097569098 · 30/11/2019 21:51

Good luck up put your hard hat on

Dollymixture22 · 30/11/2019 22:09

This always reflects poorly on the dad I am afraid.

Has he been paying child support? Why didn’t he fight for visitation?

It’s very easy to blame the mother, but Surely he could have tried harder. And he can’t have been that you f? You and he got together when the child was still very young.

He needs to go to court. He will be granted access unless he is violent or abusive. Yes it’s hard work, but ffs his is his child.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/11/2019 22:15

Genuine question, why is the court process seen as being hard on the child? I thought even if they have to go there it will only be briefly and everyone will be trained to make it as child friendly as possible? Or is it that their parents will be financially worse off?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2019 22:20

as a mother I don’t understand refusing contact

As a mother, OP, can you understand accepting someone stopping you from seeing your children? Every now and then getting in touch and then not doing anything when plans get cancelled or the other parent ignores you? Knowing you have a child out there in the world, who shares half your genetic make up, who’s related to your younger children, wondering why they have a parent who they hardly ever see, possibly now also knowing you’ve been replaced by new children?

If not, how do you feel about your partner who’s doing exactly that?

Sn0tnose · 30/11/2019 22:54

my partner has persistently tried to make contact but always been reluctant to go down the legal route as he felt it would create a bigger issue How much worse would going down the legal route have made it? He’s not seeing his child now at all. Could that get any worse?

Original poster

Sunshine245 · 30/11/2019 23:09

It did go to court in the early stages but the mother didn’t follow through and we didn’t have any more money to put into it to fight this, after this my partner become reluctant to use the courts as the first time didnt work out, it’s obviously a lot easier/nicer on the child if the parents can make arrangements together surely? Rather than court proceeding and orders it should be fun to have time with parents not formal and mandatory no? My belief is if your able to have children together unless there has been extenuating circumstances you should be able to communicate to ensure your child’s needs are met together?? Yes maintenance has been payed via csa we have also put money in savings just as we do for our children for when their older and in response to how I would be in the situation... a common argument is how he acts to how I would act in that situation. I personally couldn’t live without my kids and if I was separated from them in this same way I would be at the front door daily to prove my commitment/ see my child but then again this is how you can end up with a restraining order so how can you win here?

OP posts:

EmiliaAirheart · 01/12/2019 03:03

So you didn’t have money to take legal option to ensure your partner had a relationship with his child, but somehow had the money to have two further children. I think that says everything about where your priorities lay. What a fucking joke.

ASimpleLampoon · 01/12/2019 06:18

Sounds like your partner is one of these men who can't be arsed to see his child, but tells everyone it's the mother of the child stopping him.

Sadly, happens a lot.

AgentJohnson · 01/12/2019 07:26

The sad truth is his Ex did what she she did and your partner didn’t prioritise having contact enough to really fight for it. He chose the path of least resistance and this is what he got.

Sometimes you have to fight and when you don’t you have to be big enough to admit why you didn’t and no, ‘it was in the child’s best interest’ isn’t a reason, just a plausible excuse which people are all to ready to accept.

So place all the blame on his Ex if it makes it easier but you know deep down he could have tried harder but chose not to.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 07:31

I agree with PPs. He didn't make enough of an effort. Yes it's shit that she did what she did but he chose to leave that child behind with no proper agreements in place.

You said 'we didn't have enough money' the first time it went to court. Did he do anything before he met you?
How much money has he paid towards this child?

It's almost too late now. The child is at the very least pre-teen and probably won't want anything to do with his 'dad'. Sorry OP - it's shit for your daughter but hey, at least her dad stuck around.

user1493413286 · 01/12/2019 07:32

I know how hard and unfair the court system is but I still find it hard to understand why as a dad he didn’t do everything in his power including using the court system. I equally don’t understand the actions of the mother.
Your options remain the same - keep trying with the mum or go through the courts but that’s going to be hard after all this time

Soontobe60 · 01/12/2019 07:47

Although I'd also agree that it looks like the DF hasn't actually fought to see his child, the reality can be very very harsh.
My friends DS had a child when he was very young, both parents in late teens and at Uni. He saw the dc every week, paid whatever he could but after a couple of years the dm began to refuse contact. He went to court, got access, but she made it almost impossible. This resulted in him falling into a deep depression in his mid twenties where he just wasn't in a place to fight for anything. He attempted to take his own life. Fast forward 10 years and he now sees his child every week, having found the money and strength to return to court.
It's easy for us to sit here and say 'I'd fight to the death to see my child' but circumstances CAN make that impossible.

FenellaVelour · 01/12/2019 07:50

How old is the child now?

namechange4052 · 01/12/2019 08:44

It doesn't have to cost that much money to go to court. A couple of hundred quid to make the application and he could have self-represented. You have had enough to regularly put savings away for three children, and could have prioritised your money differently. If, as you say, a contact order was granted some years ago he would only have been applying to enforce the order and his ex partner would have been told in no uncertain terms to stop breaching the order. However it does sound like your DP is one of those men who wants to be able to say 'I want to see my DC but my bitch of an ex has stopped me' because that's less effort. You have heard lots of posters on here tell you he needs to go to court, you know that is what he needs to do, but you don't seem to want him to pursue this only real option so I don't know what the point of your thread is.

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