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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my H over toothache?

72 replies

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 30/11/2019 18:41

So H has had toothache for over a week now. I have told him several times to call my dentist, register and make an emergency appointment. He hasn’t done so and is being miserable.

I get that toothache hurts and is not nice, but I have tried calling a few dentists and my own dentist and they said they would need H to call and register as obviously he’s over 18. He’s actually 52.

He’s been in a foul mood all week and has had three days off of work (unpaid)

AIBU to consider leaving him! Jean being really horrible. I took dd (13yr) Christmas shopping this morning and to get our eyebrows done after having been at work since 3am. I said I would be home around 1pm but due to traffic and food shopping on the way home. Didn’t actually get home until 2.15pm.

I’ve had passive aggressive comments all afternoon and he didn’t help get the shopping from the car or put it away like he normally would.

I’ve now got to take dd to the cinema and a sleepover and I’m considering going to my parents for the rest of the evening.

We are supposed to be going to London for the day tomorrow to see the window displays and lights and try and finish the Christmas shopping. I asked him if he still wanted to go and he shouted at me and said he didn’t have a choice. I said he did have a choice he could stay at home and get an emergency dental appointment, and if he’s in pain and might be moody he’s be better off not coming. I’m more than capable of catching the train with dd.

He hasn’t been left looking after young children or doing the chores. Dd is the youngest and ds (17yr) has been at work or college this week.

Am I being a complete cow?

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 30/11/2019 20:51

He is an adult. He can help himself. Leave him and enjoy your day out. Do you want to take a whining sod out for the day. Nah!!

OrangeZog · 30/11/2019 20:55

YANBU.

Toothache hurts. I had impacted wisdom teeth and it was awful. I went to my dentist! I’d have more sympathy for him if he had a fear of dentists but he hasn’t so he’s just BU to take his mood out on you.

Bluerussian · 30/11/2019 20:58

If he doesn't listen to you, ask your kids to talk to and tell him to go to the dentist. They may be more persuasive.

Roussette · 30/11/2019 20:59

I totally get he should be getting help. Take over. Book him somewhere.

If my DH had not supported me at my worst of tooth problems... abscess x 2, infection, complete half of my face swollen like the elephant man, emergency treatment, dental hospital, tooth out, pain like I could not describe.... well, I wouldn't be with him now. If your DH, OP has got a tenth of that he has my sympathy.

Roussette · 30/11/2019 21:00

I totally get he should be getting help. Take over. Book him somewhere. Shout at him if necessary. But don't ignore him.

If my DH had not supported me at my worst of tooth problems... abscess x 2, infection, complete half of my face swollen like the elephant man, emergency treatment, dental hospital, tooth out, pain like I could not describe.... well, I wouldn't be with him now. If your DH, OP has got a tenth of that he has my sympathy.

Roussette · 30/11/2019 21:01

Sorry, posted twice

Winterdaysarehere · 30/11/2019 21:03

Go without him tomorrow. Tell him to see a dentist or don't be there when you get back.

SmoothOrange · 30/11/2019 21:03

My brother in law suffered like this for more than 4 weeks. Eventually he collapsed with sepsis as he had an untreated abscess. He died shortly after. All because he didn't go to the dentist.

Anyway, to answer your question, YANBU to leave if this isnt the sole reason for it.

Spitsandspots · 30/11/2019 21:05

Our dentist (bupa but does nhs also) has a sign up saying

Toothache is not an emergency

He needs to phone ASAP as it may take weeks for him to be seen.
However..
He’s often moody and just makes the mood in the house unbearable and the teens treading on eggshells not to upset him

That sounds a miserable way to live, especially for your children

captainprincess · 30/11/2019 21:06

Toothache IS awful, which is why I would call the dentist immediately upon having it and pray they offered me an appointment that I would attend whatever time it was and whatever I was doing, and pay whatever they charged.
Absolutely no need for his behaviour at all.
I hope you're ok OP.

Darbs76 · 30/11/2019 21:07

I’m bad for not seeking medical help when needed but tooth ache, I’m on the phone as soon as the dentist opens. It sounds like your life would be better without this man in it. Don’t let your kids live like that, treading on egg shells if he’s in a mood. Best of luck

ReanimatedSGB · 30/11/2019 21:10

It sounds like: if it wasn't toothache it would be something else that he would use to bully the rest of you. Yes, toothache is horrible but someone who is in the habit of making other people's lives a misery every time there is anything bothering them deserve less sympathy. People like this prick actually enjoy their own discomfort, because it's such a wonderful justification for harassing other people.
Leaving him to it is probably a good idea.

Clearnightsky · 30/11/2019 21:25

You sound a bit impetuous.

It’s his pain, his teeth, he’s an adult. Ignore him and get on with your own life this week. And don’t leave him because he’s grumpy sometimes!

If you want to go to counseling or need to improve your relationship then try that first.

k1233 · 30/11/2019 21:26

If you have cloves (yep the spice) a clove or two held on the offending tooth can help to relieve pain.

As for the walking on eggshells - you really need to think if that's the life you want.

Clearnightsky · 30/11/2019 21:27

@SmoothOrange oh my god! That’s awful. Sad

PixiKitKat · 30/11/2019 21:32

@Roussette the OP says she tried calling a dentist for him and they will only speak to him. She shouldn't need to book it for him anyway as he is an adult!

YANBU, my partner had toothache and didn't get moody with me, instead he called a private dental clinic and got it sorted asap so he wasn't in pain anymore.

kateandme · 30/11/2019 21:35

ok so this isnt about the dentist thing.it the straw camel back thing.
but please do not belittle tooth pain.everyone ive worked with in the medical proffesion and other ALL say its one of the worst pains ever whe there is something wrong.
so lets take the focus of leaving him over toothache and whether he is allowed to be a crying angry heaping mess over it.because yes he is!but the othr stuff well,only you know.

JoGoes · 30/11/2019 21:37

He should either stop complaining or get himself an appointment

kateandme · 30/11/2019 21:40

Roussette exactly
Flowers

PixieDustt · 30/11/2019 21:43

The way he is treating you is disgusting.
Phone 111 they will tell you where your nearest NHS emergency dentist is/ get you a slot to be seen.

Chocolatethief · 30/11/2019 21:56

I had toothache last year it was an infection, I'm terrified of the dentist but spent a week ringing up every day trying to get an emergency appointment, tried all the meds I could and when none of them was touching it I went to the doctors and they prescribed me but only as I was trying to get it sorted. My friend towards the end of the week had to ring for me as my mouth was so swollen I could barely talk but I never took it out on anybody else.

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 30/11/2019 21:58

I have tried calling the dentists the ones local to us (he doesn’t drive) won’t make an appointment on my say so. They want to speak to the patient. Even my own dentist.

Money isn’t an issue. He keeps saying it’s better and then will literally just snap and be all miserable and expect me to be a mind reader and know that it’s hurting again.

He has access to strong painkillers. I take 30/500 co codamol regularly for back pain and I also have an emergency supply of tramadol for when my back is really bad.

But if he won’t be seen and won’t organise it then I don’t know what else I can do.

I ended up going to see a film on my own. Last Christmas was actually a good film.

He seems in a better mood when I got back. Asked where I had been as he had tried to call but my phone was on silent. When I said the cinema he just shrugged.

I’ll keep on at him and hope he listens but will keep on thinking on our situation as as others have said it’s an accumulation of things not just one event that have made me feel like I should consider my option s.

Thanks.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 30/11/2019 22:04

OP, your husband's behaviour is baffling. He's not scared of the dentist and the cost isn't a problem so why on earth is he choosing to suffer? It's a dreadful pain and unlike some other pains, it won't go away on its own. My own husband, aged 73, has never been to the dentist and even he said he would go if he got toothache.

Embracelife · 30/11/2019 22:09

So he goes to the dentist or leaves.
Simple.
If he wont address his toothache he can take it elsewhere.

ysmaem · 30/11/2019 22:10

Can you maybe sit with him while he calls the dentist? Is he fearful of the dentist or perhaps embarrassed about his teeth? Theres something stopping him from making that appointment obviously as he's letting himself suffer.

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