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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH’s friend accused me of having an affair

76 replies

delineateddelinquent · 29/11/2019 22:47

I’ll keep this brief.

My DH was on a night out several months ago with his mates and one of them said he was sure I was having an affair.

My DH works away a lot and the friend had seen me out on a night out with my friends and we happened to be speaking with a few lads we’d gone to school with (I am late thirties With two kids and a full time job and rarely get a night out!)

Anyway, seeing this encounter he told my husband he was certain I was having an affair and that I was blind drunk and all over these men.

My DH didn’t say anything to him but he knew he was lying because on that night out I’d been recovering from tonsilitis and was still on medication so had taken the car and had a Diet Coke.

My DH only told me this tonight - I had mentioned said friend and DH told me what he’d said about me. I’m a bit taken aback as this is a serious allegation that could have had an effect on my marriage.

My Aibu isn’t really an aibu, it’s more a wwyd? Do I contact him and give him hell? I know his wife pretty well and I honestly feel like picking up the phone and giving her hell too

OP posts:

pictish · 30/11/2019 06:57

Bit weird how you think it’s appropriate to involve his wife in all of this.
Sounds like needless shit stirring to me. The bloke’s in good company!

Ignore this is my advice. Your dh dealt with it very well. No further action required...unless of course you enjoy creating drama.

Rezie · 30/11/2019 07:12

But what if the friend is not making things up? What if from his perspective it looked like that and he told your husband. Thankfully your husband knows that it's not true. Do we know it was intentional wanting to stir up drama And make you get divorce?

CosmoK · 30/11/2019 07:16

Something similar happened to my friend. Idiot guy started a rumour that my best friend had an affair with another of our friends. It was totally preposterous and we all ( including her husband and his gf) just laughed it off. It's now become a running joke which infuriates idiot guy. Like you, she only found out about it months after he told someone so it wasn't worth kicking off.

In this situation the best reaction is no reaction.

dottiedodah · 30/11/2019 07:16

I think lelly Mckelly is right here .He may fancy you ! Trying to make trouble between you is a classic sign .I would ignore him ,and maybe find a new couple to hang out with ,This guy is trouble .capital T!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 30/11/2019 07:27

Agree with SGB tbh. By not reacting he put the silly man back in his place. And presumably he didn't mention it because it was so totally ludicrous. He sounds pretty sensible tbh, I'd take his lead and just ignore this and not give it headspace. Just be a little wary of this chap in future.

redcarbluecar · 30/11/2019 07:30

Sounds like your husband handled this well, not giving the mate the reaction he was after. You’re perhaps better off doing the same and rising above it. I think it’s really odd that someone would want to shit stir like that (if he had genuine concerns, surely he’d find a more private way to express them to your DH) and it’s probably best to ignore and not give him more ammunition.

plunkplunkfizz · 30/11/2019 07:37

I’d be interested to know why and wtf he was thinking

Yes, interested to know, not keen to be phoned up and given hell OP. I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy if someone phoned and started shouting the odds at you over something your DH had done instead of having a calm and rational conversation with you. I think everyone can see your drama llama tendencies from your initial posts.

HarryElephante · 30/11/2019 07:37

I'd ignore the advice on here and definitely ring the wife.

And their neighbours. Don't let them get away scott free.

And their postman. He's obviously in on it, too.

decbaby19 · 30/11/2019 07:44

I really wouldn't give it a second thought or cause any drama, especially if DH doesn't really see or speak to him anymore. Seems like wasted (negative & prolonged) energy!

Hepsibar · 30/11/2019 07:55

Quietly drop them from your circle of acquaintances. You know you've done nothing wrong so just think about removing toxic people with the least amount of effort and stress to yourselves.

rwalker · 30/11/2019 07:56

TBH thats what it could of looked like and could of only told him as looking out for his friend.
Draw a line under it

Snowman123 · 30/11/2019 08:03

Rise about it.

Your DH saw through him immediately, and you know what really happened.

What you going to achieve by confronting him? Other than conflict?

MsPepperPotts · 30/11/2019 08:08

You are right to be angry, but don't give this guy anymore headspace.
It seems as though your DH has decided not to have contact with him because he knows he's a shit stirring arsehole.

If he was a genuine person he could have approached you on the night out and struck up conversation with you. But he decided to to be a sneaky CF and try and cause trouble for his friend(DH).

Don't give him the satisfaction of bringing up this issue with him and explaining yourself. Just don't have any further contact with him.
This guy is not a true friend to either of you.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 30/11/2019 08:10

I’d rip him a new arsehole

But do it legally and Coldly

Now how you do that I don’t know but a very cold , firm and legal sounding message could be good to nip this

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa · 30/11/2019 08:16

Why the fuck is the word Llama added to the word drama? It just makes people that say it sound about eight years old because they've discovered a rhyme!

There is nothing dramatic about being upset over an accusation like this. It's normal. I would write the tosser a letter telling him you were on meds, you were not flirting, you were not drunk, you had known the males in question for years and they were friends and to to stay away from me and mine in the future ( but not in a dramatic way)

littlepaddypaws · 30/11/2019 08:33

he wife probably already knows he's a dick, she live's with him.

Apirateslifeforme · 30/11/2019 08:57

Honestly, I'd feel the need to set him straight.i wouldn't get too stressed about it, just let him know you know, and he was wrong.
Tell him if he truly was concerned about your behaviour and your marriage, he would have spoken directly to you, instead of gossiping to DH that you were drunk and all over someone else. Explain what he actually saw.
And avoid like the plague people like that are always going to be on the lookout for gossip and drama

KatherineJaneway · 30/11/2019 09:05

I'd tear him a new one in front of all your mutual friends. Not much would make me act like that but this type of shit stirring is completely out of line.

Original poster

delineateddelinquent · 30/11/2019 09:06

@puds11 I don’t think I’ve ever suggested that I stoop to her husband’s level and make up lies that he’s having an affair

I’ve had a good sleep and I’ve decided to say nothing until I see him again which may be some time.

Silly silly man making up stories about it someone’s marriage.

OP posts:

puds11 · 30/11/2019 09:12

@delin sorry that was aimed at a poster above me that suggested that, not you.

starfishmummy · 30/11/2019 09:25

I agree with a pp. Your husband handled this perfectly, like an adult.

Quite frankly your idea of giving both him and his wife hell sounds very juvenile. Try growing up.

Marnie76 · 30/11/2019 09:25

Yes you should have a word with him.
Of course you shouldn’t have a go at his wife. You don’t even know if she’s aware of what he said fgs. You should probably feel sorry for her, if he jumps to suspicion that easily imagine what it’s like being married to him!

Longtalljosie · 30/11/2019 09:28

I agree with Marnie. It sounds like the wife could be in a very controlling marriage.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2019 09:31

I'm late to the thread OP but, if you're not a drama llama, why are you even fussed about this? It's one of your husband's friends (or was), he hasn't seen him since and, as for the debacle itself, your husband laughed it off because he knew it was false.

Dragging it up 'in front of the wife' will just add fuel to a non-existent fire and make other people wonder why you'd be bothered what a non-important says.

It's impacted your marriage not a bit so why make out that it could have? In a normal, healthy marriage, it couldn't and wouldn't have.

Why are you so irate about this really? It is a blue-touchpaper topic and the cynical side of me thinks that that's the key... always makes a good thread subject with lots of replies...

lottiegarbanzo · 30/11/2019 09:31

Getting angry with him would add fuel to the fire.

If you do see hom again, I'd be tempted to wait until you're in company, with your DH, then say loudly, 'in front of lots of people present, 'so Bob, DH tells me you accused me of having an affair because you saw me on a night out with the girls - talking to people! Rolling drunk pparently! (Driving actually). You're a nasty, shit-stirring twunt, aren't you eh?'. Keep it calm, factual and contemptuous. Then watch him squirm.

Don't shout or get upset, just show him up.

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