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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend accused me of having an affair

76 replies

delineateddelinquent · 29/11/2019 22:47

I’ll keep this brief.

My DH was on a night out several months ago with his mates and one of them said he was sure I was having an affair.

My DH works away a lot and the friend had seen me out on a night out with my friends and we happened to be speaking with a few lads we’d gone to school with (I am late thirties With two kids and a full time job and rarely get a night out!)

Anyway, seeing this encounter he told my husband he was certain I was having an affair and that I was blind drunk and all over these men.

My DH didn’t say anything to him but he knew he was lying because on that night out I’d been recovering from tonsilitis and was still on medication so had taken the car and had a Diet Coke.

My DH only told me this tonight - I had mentioned said friend and DH told me what he’d said about me. I’m a bit taken aback as this is a serious allegation that could have had an effect on my marriage.

My Aibu isn’t really an aibu, it’s more a wwyd? Do I contact him and give him hell? I know his wife pretty well and I honestly feel like picking up the phone and giving her hell too Angry

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 29/11/2019 23:17

I'd be more concerned about DH, personally. What if he'd known you to be in full health at the time; would he have believed his friend? And why did this story only come out by accident after you mentioned his friend's name? Is DH putting words into his friend's mouth?

What I would do (and have done in a similar situation) is tell DH that his friend is no friend of mine and is no longer welcome in my house unless/until he apologises for trying to stir up trouble between wife and husband and for starting nasty rumours.

And I'd be asking DH why he didn't call his friend on it instantly and tell you what he'd done about it.

Do you think you've been unknowingly monitored to establish the facts between then and now?!

Original poster
delineateddelinquent · 29/11/2019 23:21

@NearlyGranny

Honestly I doubt any surveillance has taken place. My DH isn’t the type to get massively worked up and he hasn’t seen his friend since.

Part of the reason I mentioned him tonight to my DH was because I’d not heard DH mention him and he hadn’t been out with him.

He can see why I’m annoyed but we did have a laugh at the thought of me having any time to actually have an affair between work, children, children’s sports, decent dramas on the TV and my love of my dressing gown and the couch.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/11/2019 23:24

I think your H handled it perfectly, and you should probably treat it the same way. Ludicrous nonsense from a silly person and not worth worrying about. Puffing yourself up, stamping your feet, wanting this man PUNISHED in some way.... you will look like both a drama llama and as though you maybe do have something to hide. Laugh it off and move on.

Cherrysoup · 29/11/2019 23:28

I know my dh would be furious if a friend said this to him. I can’t understand why yours didn’t have a proper go.

Natsel84 · 29/11/2019 23:30

I would do as you suggested earlier. Pull it up in front if both you husband friend and his wife. Then beat him around the head with a wooden spoon.

He's a arsehole

recycledbottle · 29/11/2019 23:33

I don't see what this has to do with the wife. You can bring it up directly with DH friend if you wish.

PlasticPatty · 29/11/2019 23:38

The friend was 'chattin' shit', as my pupils used to say. Your dh knew that and was unperturbed. You've just found out and are as mad as hell because that kind of talk affects your reputation and could have damaged your relationship. But, kicking off won't help. Rise above it. Be dignified. A cold look, if the subject should arise again, is enough.

msmum007 · 29/11/2019 23:45

I can understand why you feel angry, but aiming anything at his poor wife, isn’t fair. She should be the one receiving commiserations on being married to such a f* as him.
Your husband handled the situation brilliantly. So brilliantly, the other guy’s actually holed up and is now too embarrassed to speak to either of you.
Personally, I’d be really proud and chuffed to bits if my husband stuck up for me, like that, when many husbands don’t. He gave him a firm response and the f* has scuttled off back home.
Instead of being angry, maybe some making up time with your husband is in order. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold. If the is guy says anything else, I’d suspect your husband will think of something very appropriate Indeed, remembering back...Wink

Wonkybanana · 29/11/2019 23:49

Your DH's reaction probably wound the guy up much more than if he'd threatened to see him outside in the car park. He handled it perfectly, leave well alone. Your proposed reaction would be just what the 'friend' was looking for, and he'd probably put forward the argument about 'methinks the lady doth protest too much'.

Treat him with the contempt he deserves and ignore him. If your DH doesn't want to see him it sends a far stronger message than your words ever could.

ScreamingValenta · 29/11/2019 23:51

I wouldn't dignify the accusation by engaging in any way.

Ninjacat007 · 29/11/2019 23:56

This guy is obviously trying to shit stir and I think your husband handled it really well to not give him the reaction he was looking for.
If you contact him and give him hell you will just be giving him what he wants.
Next time you see him you can just calmly let him know how pathetic you think he is.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/11/2019 00:00

Why bother say anything?

The only opinion that counts is your DH's. He knows it bullshit, so just head up and move on.

Coyoacan · 30/11/2019 00:30

I always thought that the most romantic song on earth is "Oh no, not my baby" and your husband is the incarnation of that song. You are very lucky to have such trust in your marriage and such a lovely husband.

Honeysucklerose1 · 30/11/2019 01:09

Honestly, I would let it go. It seems that some time has passed since you were on the night out, and it's becoming old news. No point in taking it up and making it into something it isn't.
The best thing you can take from this is that this 'friend' is someone to be very wary of. He is a gossip and a shit stirrer.

OopsISnappedAndFarted · 30/11/2019 01:17

@delineateddelinquent How awful of him to think that’s remotely acceptable! Like you say in your op, that could have serious implications on your relationship.

I’m with you on wanting to scream at both of them to be honest, I’d be furious (even though it’s not her fault, how dare she be married to the loser 😂).

Take a breath and think that your husband has already basically laughed in his face and cut him out. Rise above it and leave the saddo to his fantasies.. any fuel just adds to the drama he’s obviously tried and failed to create.

UniversalAunt · 30/11/2019 01:37

Your OH handled it well.
He has not mentioned or seen So-Called Mate (SCM) for a while, & now you know why.

OH knows SCM is a prat.
You know SCM is a prat.
SCM knows SCM is a prat.

Have a fume, take a rant, but don’t bother any with SCM & certainly not his wife - she prolly knows DCM is a prat already. Some time your paths will cross, graciously ignore him.

The matter had died down until it came up between you & OH just now. if you fan the embers you’ll get flames & loads of smoke signals to people that ‘something’ had been going on. That’ll be far more trouble to you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/11/2019 01:45

Says more about him than anything about you. His first thought about someone talking to the opposite sex is that they are shagging them probably because thats what he does (or tries to do), so perhaps someone should have a word with his wife but not in the way you are thinking!

In all seriousness, I agree with not giving it oxygen. Of course you are pissed off because as you say, it could have had real repercussions in your marriage, but thankfully you bagged yourself a good one and not the pond life who is shit stirring.

mathanxiety · 30/11/2019 02:01

Your DH's response was great.

Suggest you take a leaf out of his book and be dignified here too.

Let this die.

MitziK · 30/11/2019 02:04

If that's what he says about his mates' wives, I dread to think about how he interprets his own wife doing something as brazen as going to the shop to fetch milk.

BillHadersNewWife · 30/11/2019 02:16

My 'friend' once suggested my DH might be having an affair because he was so late from work one night that I couldn't join her on a night out.

He was absolutely LIVID. I was shocked at how angry he was...I know he wasn't anywhere but work because I do the social media for his business and have to know a lot about where he is and what he's doing/talk to clients.

People are weird.

BellyButton85 · 30/11/2019 02:38

Tell his wife you think hes having an affair. That should make crystal clear go not fuck with you

TheMaddHugger · 30/11/2019 06:29

Ummmm

DH’s friend accused me of having an affair
LellyMcKelly · 30/11/2019 06:35

Does he fancy you or is he jealous of your husband? It’s such a shitty mean minded thing to do. Your husbands reaction was perfect.

puds11 · 30/11/2019 06:36

Jesus Christ, don’t tell his wife he’s having an affair!

Tell him to mind his own business if you must but since your DH knows it’s bull crap I’d have just forgotten about it.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2019 06:54

Very very odd thread. I can't imagine someone accusing me of having an affair and my husband not putting them right on that score. And I can't imagine focusing on the wife, as the op is doing.

Op why's it all about the wife to you? You've climbed down to now just mentioning it in front of her.

Neither you or your husband wish to challenge the man.

I'd also let it go now. Your husband elected to not clearly put him right at the time and you just want to have a go at the wife. Let it go.