To think my family are selfish and all for themselves?

[passthetea]

A local food bank that I follow on fb are having a drop off week next week and aswell as asking for food donations they are asking for new toy donations of approximately £10 for local children that won't be getting presents this year. So I started getting some toys in and popped the picture of the ad on the family whatsapp group, the only person to not ignore it was my 17 year old daughter. I left it and the next day I saw my mum and mentioned it to her and got zero response before she changed the conversation. I don't get my family they could quite easily spare £10 for a gift but instead won't. In the summer my cousins dh was doing a run in aid of his son my mum was soon to ask us all if we'd like to add to the family donation and was sure to remind us all when it was time to send the money over. I'm not going to raise this again with them because I know they all saw the poster that I posted and shared with them but I just don't understand them all. It's the last time I ask them for anything.

Just be clear in your head that your relatives will give to their relatives but draw a line at unknown people.
Well done to your daughter who clearly doesn't draw that line. I would say that is because of your parenting and example.

YABVU - As others have said, I donate money and items regularly to my favourite charities and rarely tell anyone I've done so. Why would I? I don't want applause for doing so.

Please don't think i'm being patronising but are you quite young OP? It's not really the done thing to harass people into giving to a charity of YOUR choice.

It's understandable they were happy to raise money for a family member doing a run for their son but not a foodbank they have no connection to.

I genuinely think this is the reason why they don't donate. I hope they never have to use a food bank though.

I give a lot to charity (over £500 this year), but I don't really do food banks or toy drives. It's just not my thing, I prefer to give cash.

Do you know if they give in other ways?

Why do you find it so difficult to grasp the concept that your favoured charity, however worthy, may not be their favoured charity?

I would have ignored it too. No one has to give because you’ve posted it.

Charity giving is very personal and we have a few that mean a lot to us that we donate too and your choice wouldnt align with that. Neither would I ask you to donate to our choices.

@Havaina no they give to no charities and when I say they I mean my mum, brother and sister. My dad is very soft hearted and will give money to all charity's if he could. I remember a couple of years ago I went shopping with mum and dad in London and my dad was giving money to most of the homeless on the streets until my mum told him to stop. If I told him about this toy thing he would give no doubt about it.

@AtrociousCircumstance oh there's many reasons why they piss me off but that's a whole 100 other threads

Please don't think i'm being patronising but are you quite young OP? It's not really the done thing to harass people into giving to a charity of YOUR choice.

I'm 35 and no one was harassed.

I genuinely think this is the reason why they don't donate

What’s wrong with that?

And would you have felt better if they’d said they’d made all of their charitable giving decisions so would give this a miss or would you have felt as aggrieved?

If my family/friends send me links for charities it's because they're being sponsored. I'd find it very odd if they sent me random charity appeals that had nothing to do with them.

@passthetea it sucks I know. But you clearly have raised your daughter well and I know you'll be proud of her. Sadly we can pick our friends but we're stuck with our family (I know cos I've got a selfish bunch too!!) x

Maybe they just believe that charity begins at home. Maybe they donate to something you don’t know about? You never know.

I'd feel harassed if you were sending me stuff like that. Its none of your business what people spend their money on

@AnneLovesGilbert I'd just like them to show some empathy for for others.

I'm not pissed because they chose to ignore me or the charity I'm pissed at them being so unsympathetic of others that's the problem. Their selfish and live in their own little bubble. For instance they never donate their organs but would happily be the recipient if needed. This is the first time I've ever asked them if they'd like to donate. So it's not like their inundated with messages from me forcing my charity's on them

Yabu there are countless demands for charity donations. Perhaps they think some people are working the food bank system (which believe me they do). Let them have their say in how they spend their money.

@feelinghelplesstoday thank you she's a good girl, as for my family 🙄

It's very egotistical of you to assume that they should give to a charity chosen by you or any charity at all. That is entirely their choice.

YABVU - to say they don’t give to charity is clearly wrong, as you’ve already said they’ve given to a family focused charity before. We all have our favoured charities, and as I earn my money I feel that I can choose who or where I want to donate my money to. At this time of year there is so much pressure on finances it’s not fair to constantly guilt trip people into emptying their pockets.

A lot of people are pretty sick of charity these days, I know I am. It’s constant.

@Livelovebehappy they gave to the family one to save face. She didn't want to be the only one out of her family with a family that didn't donate when the others did.

And it isn't constantly it was once. They can all afford it their very well off.

“ I'd just like them to show some empathy for for others. ”

What’s it got to do with you?

OP, you came on and asked if you were being unreasonable. Everyone has told you that you are.

Are you going to listen?

You appear to have a problem comprehending the simple fact that it's irrelevant if they can afford it or not - it is their choice.

OP you are getting a hard time here. In your opening post you said you just needed somewhere to get it out.

I understand your frustration, I can also see that you "get" that they don't have to support your own favourite personal charity but that you are still disappointed they seem so lacking in empathy. I would be too.

You and your daughter sound like lovely people

You can't control others and expect them to make the same choices you do.

You feel it's right to donate and that's your choice, but part of being a respectful adult means accepting other people feel, think and behave differently to yourself.

Well there’s your answer OP.

Your anger over this is really about those 100 other things.

You would do well to work through that toxic history. Have you had any therapy?

I don't understand, just because they didn't reply it doesn't mean they won't donate?Maybe they think you are showing off and virtue signalling by posting the link. It seems like the sort of thing to just do, no need to discuss afterwards.

Also, I've had similar requests from work, school, nursery, etc. I'm not giving to them all, so I hope the ones I ignore aren't judging me.