Aibu to ask if crying at work has ruined my career?

[Hotmess100]

So, a bit of background - myself (name changed because potentially outing!) and work colleagues (10 in total, 2 men 8 women), in a meeting led by outsider trainer. Trainer, to be fair, is not really well informed, is opinionated and a bit prejudiced in certain ways that get my back up a bit (as well as others) during the day. We all get pretty fed up at different points in the day and then after a group exercise that I felt we were set up to fail in and that we were unjustly crisitcised for I just became really frustrated and angry. Fine. Bit instead of just behaving like a grown up and stating my case like some kind of badass barrister I disappear into the toilets at coffee break all red in the face just muttering ‘I’m just really angry now,’ and go back later having had a sniffle and feeling about 5. To be fair I did put my point across briefly but as I felt I was about to start blubbing like a 5 year old again at any moment I did it really briefly and with a lot of blinking. Feeling like I don’t know how others would manage this situation (any tips for not tearing up in the first place?!) and also any perspective here? Feeling embarrassed in front of co-workers when I’m supposed to be a professional - any ways to give my career some cpr?!

I suspect that fewer people noticed than you think.

The trainer also sounds poor. Yes, training sessions sometimes do have to challenge people’s views, but it should be done in such a way that supports people’s self-esteem.

Don't give it a second's thought. Men get angry in general, women cry in general. It's how we've been conditioned! Most people know this difference. I certainly wouldn't think any less of you.

2/3 men and 8/9 women, I think you'll be fine. Most women have had the experience of being so angry that they've gotten teary and will understand. Are the men your managers at all? If not, who cares? If they are, explain how you felt it went, how it made you feel, and what you intend to do next time during your next supervisory meeting.
As for the trainer, if they're such an idiot then don't worry about what they think.

I have cried at my desk and no one noticed.

Presumably you will have a training feedback form. Give feedback.

When I was going through menopause (surgically-induced, so had some traumatic stuff going on at same time) and back at work, I did a fair amount of crying (and I AM a lawyer ). I'd leave the room if I knew that I couldn't calm down and come back when I'd collected myself. Luckily people were understanding. I don't think it's a career death-knell - we're human.

Tips - I find looking up and holding your eyes there does help to stem tears, as well as taking really long, deep breaths. But if you've got that swell of emotion in the chest, it's going to come out - just excuse yourself and give yourself a moment. Cold water on the face helps. Not much you can do for the red eyes but it's probably less noticeable than you think.

I have cried for various reasons - and tbh if anyone did notice I think they are more likely to think 'jeez what happened to make Ijustwanttoretire cry?' as I am not known for it normally.

I also cry when angry and it pisses me off, because it makes me (imo) look weak when really I am SERIOUSLY angry! Why does this happen?

I very much doubt anyone will give it a second thought.

I would have behaved like you! I cry at anger and frustration too.I think you shouldn't dwell on it. Just get on with doing your job well. I'd also think about talking to your manager or whoever booked the trainer. As there are obviously some issues with them too.

It depends where you work. Some work places I've had would have just accepted it but others not at all. The one time I've cried at work (after having some bad news) I was hauled in front of the boss for a dressing down.

I've cried a few and work and it's been fine! If I have to go anywhere near confrontation I start welling up, which I hate, but I just can't help it.

Try not to get too worked up over a little cry at work, it happens to the best of us.

💐💐 I use to cry all the time at my old job and nobody noticed (or nobody have a 💩, one of the two) . I think sometimes you feel like more people notice than they really do .

Only advise I have now from experience , is hold your head high and smile even if you are feeling mad and upset . And just laugh and chat to distract yourself . Then nobody will say ‘are you ok?’ As that always makes me cry haha . I have a new job now and haven’t cried once (yet) . Hugs xx

@spacepyramid That's appalling! That's bullying imo.

Anyway, OP, the trainer sounds like crap and I hope you give feedback to that effect. People don't learn by being set up to fail.

Many years ago when a PA I worked for a hideous woman and she reduced me to tears one day out of sheer bloody frustration. It was a male dominated field, the rest of them including my line manager were so terrified that as of that day I no longer had to work for her.

In a different role now but same field, my assistant burst into tears the other day, I had head the conversation she was having with an obstinate pain in the arse and it would have reduced anyone to tears.

Crying isn't necessarily a sign of weakness, and tbh probably better to have a little cry rather than come out all guns blazing at the trainer.

I don't think you need to give your career CPR!

I've cried at work before - it's honestly not set me back in the slightest. Please don't worry!

I've cried a couple of times in work as have other members of staff. Don't worry about it.

I've seen colleagues cry at work before and don't think anything less of them for it, who in their right mind would? We're all human.

The most thought I'd usually give it is to briefly wonder why they're upset but beyond that I think most people are too wrapped up in their lives to consider it beyond that.

People that care passionately, can sometimes cry when the strength of feeling is high. Even if anyone did noticed, it shows that you are totally dedicated to the subject, and have a strength of passion that is an asset to the company. Dont give it a second thought, and go in as bold as ever.

I cried in my first graduate job many years ago, about a week in. Didn't do me any harm.
At my current job, 3 people at least have cried this week (don't ask) and they're all still going strong.

OP, I work in a law firm and probably see someone in tears about once a month.

It's no biggie. I hope you're feeling better.

Ah worked in huge corporate law firm in City. We used to call a certain meeting room "the crying room". Members of my team would have a cry whenever we felt like it. Then we would hug and put on our big girls pants and go back to work. I cried at least 3 times on an open floor office. And on the train. We're only human.

When I was pregnant, I was caught crying on the stairs (I was huge and it was an effort to get up and down) - I was made a cup of tea and it didn't damage my career. We also have a designated break down room that we can go in if we need. Don't give it a second thought.

I agree that it’s infuriating when tearfulness prevents you getting your message across. Sometimes focusing on the underlying anger has helped me.

Years ago there was a trend for executive training to break you down and then build you up again, my description not theirs. I once attended a course called Into the Dangerzone which was about finding your breaking point. Horrible horrible shit, I thought we'd left it in the 1990s where it bloody belongs. Generally crying at work is ok op.

Ugh I always start crying when I'm angry, it's so annoying, I wish I could control that too

Bad training can have this effect. I once became furious during some training - I was a bit tired and strung out as it had been a difficult week at work, but the training was utterly irrelevant and poorly delivered - a total waste of our time. Nevertheless my response was a bit rude and inappropriate (not crying - more very obvious bad temper) & I got pulled up about it. However, I was a bit in the wrong and it doesn't sound like you are. You had been unjustly criticised during poor training, and you reacted emotionally - quite understandable. So I'd say don't be hard on yourself about it, but take any opportunity to give feedback to whoever organised it, and explain what you objected to.

I think most women have had the experience of being so angry (belittled, dismissed, other people's ignorance on show in an unpleasant way) that it has come out as tears of frustration. It feel HORRIBLE, but you'll get over it.

after a group exercise that I felt we were set up to fail in and that we were unjustly crisitcised for

Trainer sounds absolutely bloody awful. Any feedback should be constructive not cutting, and try to work back through how decision-making was made etc so that you can identify solutions, not just point out problems. What's the point, otherwise? No company wants to pay someone to demoralise their staff! I'd give some written feedback to whoever engaged them.