Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband looking at "sexy ladies online"

43 replies

Babydazie · 28/11/2019 08:31

For months my husband of 7 years keep going online and looking at either porn or sexy ladies online.
When I was pregnant with my last (baby 9 months old now) one of my friends accused him of trying it on with her, she did slip up loads of times and did eventually come out that she was lying.
But this proper messed my head up. I have no confidence in the way I look and after 4 kids my belly isn't what it used to be. I got so paranoid I even put a mini camera up to watch what he got up to when I was in bed. Within 5 minutes of me going to bed he was watching babe Station! So I came down and broke down to him asking him why. Am I not good enough and his reply was well love there's a bit to much of ya now! Thanks my confidence is even lower. And now hes always on the laptop making out he's searching for something. But because the laptop is logged Into my Gmail account I can see his activities. And he's been going on porn and looking at really nude pictures! And he denies ever going on it! Even though I have the proof!
Yesterday whist I was doing my driving lesson he's been on it again.
And I got it in my head one more he's gone! He doesn't compliment me at all. There's too much of me for him!
I don't even dream of looking at another man because of what it would make him feel like and when we do have sex it's not like it used to be its more like a chore. I'm probs just be over paranoid but what can I do! I'm sick of feeling like crap and that I'm not good enough for him! Help me ladies.. What should I Do?

OP posts:
ByeGermsByeWorries · 28/11/2019 08:36

his reply was well love there's a bit to much of ya now! he’d be out on his arse long before now but that comment is horrid.

busybarbara · 28/11/2019 08:45

I got so paranoid I even put a mini camera up to watch what he got up to when I was in bed

He’s a rude ass but he’s not the one with the biggest problem here. Spying on your partner just for looking at some “really nude” pictures! Confused

LissJas · 28/11/2019 08:51

She didn't do it because she KNEW what he was looking at, she wanted to know what he was up to.

FWIW, I'd struggle to get over the 'too much of you' comment. I'm not saying I'd leave, but it would leave my relationship in a very bad state.

QuizzlyBear · 28/11/2019 08:59

Pretty much every man looks at porn, at least from time to time. It's not a reflection on you or the current state of your body.

However he's a twat for that comment alone. Sounds as though he's trying to justify getting aroused by naked women that aren't you by 'shifting the blame'. That's the part that I'd be focusing on, not the fact that he has a wank.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/11/2019 09:02

He's showing you who he is. You can accept it, and carry on, or you can consider your other options, but it's naive to think that you'll change him. His comments have shown how he feels, and your actions (installing a camera to spy on your partner in his house) have shown how much the trust is gone here. This is not a functional relationship by any means.

SquareAsABlock · 28/11/2019 09:04

With all due respect, why are you having yet another child with your husband when your relationship is obviously not in a great state right now? You need to work on these trust issues, as for the body comment I assume hes still looking like the young fit man you initially fell for?

cakecakecheese · 28/11/2019 09:08

You had a baby 9 months ago and he's commenting on your weight? Wow. You sound so down on yourself and you really need to do things to improve your self esteem, problem is staying with him isn't going to help with that...

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 28/11/2019 09:31

What an ass he is. Seriously, to make that comment is just disgusting. He's putting too much emphasis on what people look like. How dare he make you feel like that!

Also, be wary of the friend thing. There's no smoke without fire. My brother in law tried it on with me years ago. In the end I just said "I must've got the wrong end of the stick" when he denied trying to get me into bed while I was babysitting his two daughters. I made out that I'd lied because I felt intimidated to keep telling the truth. Hopefully (wrong word) your "friend" was lying.

Work on yourself and your confidence. Get that driving test smashed out and gain some more independence as to be brutally honest, he sounds like a jerk who YOU are too good for.

PS. Had my pics online once. I looked sexy as hell. They looked absolutely nothing like me, so don't get too caught up in all that. You're a woman, that enough makes you sexy, smart and beautiful.

Peoplearemiserable · 28/11/2019 09:34

I’m sure all men look at porn so if that’s you’re issue you’re probably better being single. However, that comment is appalling and there’s no way I’d ever stay with someone that thought that was an acceptable thing to say. He has no respect for you.

Katgurl · 28/11/2019 09:38

What an awful comment to make. Iti have only lost my pregnancy weight, my baby turned one three months ago. I can't imagine how hurtful that would be to hear.

Sweetandawfulsour · 28/11/2019 09:51

If you’ve got daughters, what would you say to them if they were in the same pickle?
Broach the subject delicately. Tell him how you feel, what you can both do to move forward from this.
You do not need to change your appearance! You need to realise your self worth.

OlaEliza · 28/11/2019 09:55

Everyone saying it's just porn, all men look at porn, yes they do but not to the extent this one this is. It sounds like he's got porn addiction as well as a good dose of disrespect.

Start getting your ducks in a row to quote the MN mantra, and leave him. You'll have 4 kids alone but will have lost 10st of useless cunt.

SquareAsABlock · 28/11/2019 09:57

You'll have 4 kids alone

Five kids, not four.

Original poster
Babydazie · 28/11/2019 10:01

It won't be 5 kids as I'm in early stages of miscarrying again!

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 28/11/2019 10:03

Well you know how to lose a substantial amount of weight op...
Get rid of your awful bloody bloke!!
Sorry about your update.
Hope you have rl support right now..

SquareAsABlock · 28/11/2019 10:09

@Babydazie, I'm sorry to hear that. Its obviously not something to think about right now, but you really need to focus on the issues in your relationship before considering anymore children. As a pp said, I wouldn't have dismissed what your friend said a few months previously, I'd certainly have been very wary of continuing any further relationship after trust was rocked so much. Porn is one thing, women actively saying hes trying it on with them is a step above.

Mopmum35 · 28/11/2019 10:13

He's discusting, how horrible for you op. He's a twat I couldn't put up with that, you go to bed/go out and he's getting turned on/wanking by watching/ looking at other women who look the complete opposite to you! I bet they are not his " type" Hmm.
Have you questioned this (ex) friend a bit more aswell cos why would she make something like that up?

Mopmum35 · 28/11/2019 10:14

Sorry opFlowers

Shoxfordian · 28/11/2019 10:21

He was really rude to you but its not acceptable to be spying on your partner putting video cameras around the house. Really controlling behaviour.

Original poster
Babydazie · 28/11/2019 10:21

The woman who said he tried it on with her is a known liar and like to split relationships up. Up until the last few months sinch she said this everything was absolutely fine. We've always had a really good relationship and he used to compliment me everyday! But since these accusation all the looking at lady's and porn has started. I have always had no confidence in myself as a child due to my mother always calling me fat ugly ect. I understand man will always look at other lady's it's just a typically of men. But I don't like anything about me, I'm not over weight and I get told I'm not ugly. And hes only ever said that one thing to me "to much of me". I am scared of losing him so I think that's a factor of the paranoia, my head is a mess because of what my "friend" said. But I have also spoken to her ex boyfriend and he said told me not to believe her as she has done it so many times of other people?
He isn't a horrid man and he's a fantastic dad and husband apart from this one thing. But I don't know if i could be with a man who looks at other people online knowing I hate everything about me? I am not normally a paranoid person but now I am.?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babydazie · 28/11/2019 10:23

The only reason I put 1 camera up was because I thought I was imaging everything, which I obviously wasn't. It was only used once and now its been put away. I know it's not a nice thing to do but I didn't even want to go to bed before him as he would sit up for hours on his own(watching babe Station) and I just needed the proof that it wasn't in my head.

OP posts:
Peggyflo · 28/11/2019 10:24

I dont think there is anything wrong with watching porn, doing it obsessively it a bit ott though.

My issues here would be that rotten comment he made, and the lying! Shock

Heartburn888 · 28/11/2019 10:24

Wow what an arrogant pig. You defiantly deserve better than this!! Instead of that awful comment he should of comforted you and told you that your beautiful!! Honestly don’t know what goes on inside some people’s heads.

You should have a frank conversation with him and tell him if he’s attitude doesn’t improve there will be less of him and his belongings in the house!

Original poster
Babydazie · 28/11/2019 10:28

@Mopmum35 I have spoken to the ex several time and he has reassured me that this is what she does to any man that looks at her or even talk to her. And he said that the reason they split up is because of this and also telling people that her ex batters her and rapes her.! But when I was told about my husband trying it on with her I did laughed, but I just can't get it out of my head and then seeing what's he's been up to behind my back it's given me doubts.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/11/2019 10:30

He isn't a horrid man and he's a fantastic dad and husband apart from this one thing.

He's fantastic apart from treating you like shit you mean?

Im so sorry to hear that you are miscarrying. This is obviously a very difficult time and I'm sure you can't think about much else. When you can, take some time to reflect on your relationship and decide what you want.