Husband looking at "sexy ladies online"

[Babydazie]

For months my husband of 7 years keep going online and looking at either porn or sexy ladies online.
When I was pregnant with my last (baby 9 months old now) one of my friends accused him of trying it on with her, she did slip up loads of times and did eventually come out that she was lying.
But this proper messed my head up. I have no confidence in the way I look and after 4 kids my belly isn't what it used to be. I got so paranoid I even put a mini camera up to watch what he got up to when I was in bed. Within 5 minutes of me going to bed he was watching babe Station! So I came down and broke down to him asking him why. Am I not good enough and his reply was well love there's a bit to much of ya now! Thanks my confidence is even lower. And now hes always on the laptop making out he's searching for something. But because the laptop is logged Into my Gmail account I can see his activities. And he's been going on porn and looking at really nude pictures! And he denies ever going on it! Even though I have the proof!
Yesterday whist I was doing my driving lesson he's been on it again.
And I got it in my head one more he's gone! He doesn't compliment me at all. There's too much of me for him!
I don't even dream of looking at another man because of what it would make him feel like and when we do have sex it's not like it used to be its more like a chore. I'm probs just be over paranoid but what can I do! I'm sick of feeling like crap and that I'm not good enough for him! Help me ladies.. What should I Do?

I have told him I can't take anymore of this and if it carry on he's gone. And when I do bring it up into conversation he tries to turn it in me and said I'm just being stupid, (which I hope it is just me)

I'm sorry OP. I've not much advice but I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I'm finding 'Treating trauma from sexual betrayal' by Skinner very useful in helping me collect my thoughts.

I'm praying it is just me, we are happy most of the times, we have been through alot together and without him i would be a mess. I love him with all my heart and will distroy me if we separated because of my paranoia x

I don't like porn either, luckily my partner isn't really interested in it (he said he'd feel weird watching other women whilst he's in a relationship) it would defiantly make me feel uneasy but it's the comment he made after to you that shocks me the most! Also I wouldn't worry about him cheating, I wouldn't say porn automatically means someone is more likely to cheat plus it comes from a lying manipulative woman anyway. Really hope you can resolve this, sex life definitely can feel like a chore especially when your partner doesn't make you feel sexy/confident!

When he does fancy a bit he always wants me to dress up but when I feel fat and ugly I don't want to. How do I get some confidence. Since an very early age I've never had any!

https://fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/
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https://www.bustle.com/articles/67827-6-reasons-why-its-okay-to-not-want-your-partner-to-watch-porn-when-youre-in
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https://verilymag.com/2016/03/porn-addiction-marriage-relationships
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https://relevantmagazine.com/life5/relationships/5-ways-porn-ruins-relationships/
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I really hate this whole 'all men watch porn so either put up or stay single' attitude
They don't. It's creepy, disgusting and so normalised by today's society that we're expected to just accept its what men do.

I've attached some articles for you to read OP, you're not being ridiculous. Your husband needs to understand that this habit is potentially going to end your marriage. A quick google of 'how porn ruined my marriage' will bring up thousands more.

I love sex but when I'm with someone, if they're giving sexual attention to anyone other than me (including porn) then to me it's cheating. They're gaining sexual gratification outside the relationship and at that point, I lose all interest in ever touching them again. Its all very well him making the vile comment about your size but knowing that he's touching his dick to the inevitability photoshopped, edited, rehearsed grimness the second you're out of the house is hardly an attractive trait is it? Plus all the lies and pathetic excuses that go with it makes it very difficult for you to trust or respect him.

Get your husband to read some of those articles so he starts to understand what it's doing to you. A lot of men also believe it's just 'what men do' and so it becomes a habit. It's no reflection on you, those women aren't real but it's still a shitty thing to be doing and unnecessary.
If you tell him how you feel, calmly and give him some bits to read to back up the way you're felling and he'd still rather have a cheap wank over respecting his wife then I'd be kicking his sleazy arse out of the door.

Good luck OP

@itsnotnormalxal thank you. I will try to talk to him but it will probably be "oh god not this again!" I did have it out with him once and he said when he was online he was only looking to get me something sexy to wear! But knowing I will never fit it that sort of stuff knowing I feel fat and definitely not comfortable wearing that sort of stuff. It's just excuses all the time. He never used to watch stuff like that (that I know of anyway) it's seriously just started or I've only noticed it since this girl said what she did.? I have told him he cant take it anymore and I have warned him that this relationship will end and it won't be my fault. He does like sex a lot and I try to have sex when im not so tired or busy. He always tells me to make time for him but having 4 kids which I Do everything for its not very easy!

Yeah the excuses make them look and sound like pathetic little boys, I have no time for that.
If he's not willing to listen maybe it's time to take action, he can have all the victims of human trafficking pretend online women he wants, but the real woman in front of him isn't taking anymore shit and wants him to leave.
Honestly OP, I couldn't stay with a man knowing that's what he was doing every chance he gets. If he's not willing to stop then it's obviously more important to him than your feelings, in which case he'd be gone.

Stop procreating with this gobshite.

He's a nasty twat, you're setting up cameras to spy on him, your whole relationship is a shit show and you shouldn't be together.

I wouldn't stop my husband looking at porn on the internet and I certainly wouldn't spy on his but he sounds like a rude arsehole which is probably your main problem.

I'm going to have it out with him when the kids have gone to bed. I'll sort this shit out once and for all. I appreciate all the reply I've had and thank you all. I know spying on him was a childish thing to do but it's painted a clear picture in my head now. He's got 2 options either stop what he's doing or piss off and do what u please. I mentally can't go through it anymore. I'm constantly paranoid over it and I don't trust him. I no men and women look at porn but to denie it when I have it in black and white is just a piss take. I love the man but like everyone has said a relationship without trust is never going to work. He's got some making up to do to make me trust him again if he stops.
I'm not being a mug anymore.! I need to grow some balls and tell him!
If he didn't lie so much about it maybe it wouldn't of been so bad.
I'm not going to keep going though this anymore. 😊

Thing is, when you KNOW you're being lied to but they try to convince you it's YOU with the problem, you need black and white evidence to shove up their arse.
Hope you manage to get him to actually hear you this time OP, don't let him minimise what he's done and don't let him turn it round to look like you're overreacting. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a teenage boy, take responsibility for what a shitty husband he's being and man up and start to show you some respect.

I even put a mini camera up to watch what he got up to when I was in bed

FFS. I normally hate this argument, but if the sexes were reversed, the advice would be LTB and call the police. Yet here, people seem weirdly unconcerned.

It goes without saying that he's a bit of an arsehole.

@itsnotnormalx

So when you say no sexual gratification outside the relationship, do you mean no masturbation without porn as well? What about fantasising? You don't own your partner's imagination.

Its your choice if you don't want to accept him watching porn op, but I'd dump someone for trying to control masturbatory habits personally. The camera is well over the line as well. Does he know about the camera? I'd actually dump you for this if I was him

He did know about the camera. If he wants to leave then that's fine, but he caused me to become a paranoia but he also does not never reassure me either. He doesn't help me around the house or help me with the kids he just sits on his arse and gets waited on. And by the time I got all the kids to bed and tided up and got kids school clothes ready it's gone 11pm and he expect me to pull his trousers down! He doesn't do foreplay like he used to its just come sort me out! So if he wanted to leave over making me paranoid then crack on

@Shoxfordian no, of course I don't own his imagination, nor do I want to. But porn for me is seeking it from someone else outside the relationship, just because they're behind a screen doesn't make a difference.

I got so paranoid I even put a mini camera up to watch what he got up to when I was in bed

That isn’t paranoid that is unhinged! If a man come on here and said he’d filmed his partner he’d get his arse handed to him and rightly so. You might have a vagina but it is appealing behaviour, being “paranoid” is NOT an excuse

I mean ffs just stop having dc with him and end this relationship, you clearly aren’t happy, your acting unhinged installing cameras/ checking web history or gmail. Fucking hell being alone would be better. So women the hell up and end it......

The camera thing is a bit warped. If I found out my DH was secretly filming me I’d be utterly horrified. I think there’s very little trust within the marriage and you clearly lack self esteem which he does not seek to better in any way.

You’re both bad for one another, the marriage has clearly gone sour and it’s probably best to separate at least temporarily.