Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for making DH wake up?

44 replies

Youngmamaa2 · 28/11/2019 07:26

So DH works contracting & has been off work for the last 6 weeks, his next contract starts on Monday. I think iv made him get up with the kids maybe twice.
Usually he refuses to wake up till 10-11am, goes to bed around 10pm.
He does suffer with mild depression.
Now my DD 8months, doesn't sleep, I maybe get 3, 4 hours at the max sleep with her every single night ( I wish it was an exaggeration). We also has DS who's two, he generally wakes up at 7am.

Last night DH fell asleep at 8pm on the sofa, came up to bed at about 9pm and got a lovely full night's sleep. DD was up 4 times before 12am 🙃 so you can imagine how the rest of the night went.
DS comes in and wakes us up, 7am as usual, I tap DH and ask if hel wake up with them this morning, he replies 5 minutes. Fair enough.
Couple minutes went by, I say "babe you getting up", he lifts up turns to me and is like " no you f'ing get up with them",
In disbelief I was abit like, "in what kind of world is that fair where I'm up all night and you get to sleep through till 10am"
He stands up, shouts " don't you ever ask me to do anything for you again you"

And takes the kids, but has a tone with them!
He usual helps alot during the day, usually can't really fault him. But aibu, should I just let him sleep? Also I'm Sahm

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/11/2019 07:30

First of all, he isn’t helping you out. He’s doing his share of the work so change your mindset on that.

Second, he sounds horrible. Are these his children? Why is it down to you to get them up when he isn’t working?

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/11/2019 07:35

Your husband sounds vile.

Why on earth do you put up with this?

I’m flabbergasted that a man can be so selfish. It baffles me that some men actually behave like this?!

Original poster
Youngmamaa2 · 28/11/2019 07:37

@PurpleDaisies yeah they're both his

OP posts:
puds11 · 28/11/2019 07:40

You’re not asking him to do something for you, it’s to do something for his children! He is being very unreasonable!

Is he always a dick?

Hurdygurdy24 · 28/11/2019 07:40

If he is genuinely currently suffering from depression, then there is your answer. Is he on meds? I could have slept all day when I was

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 07:42

Apart from money it doesn’t appear he brings anything to you or your DC lives. I would assume if you both made a choice you would be a SAHM that there was a discussion about expectations? Sounds like he thinks he doesn’t have to parent his DC as he pays. Sounds awful

MorrisZapp · 28/11/2019 07:42

Hurdygurdy, did depression make you ignore your small children's needs and shout at your spouse?

Jimjamjong · 28/11/2019 07:45

YANBU, he is not doing anything for you, he is just taking care of his kids. Even if he was working he could get up with the toddler and baby while you had a rest in the morning, you aren't a machine and need some sleep to function.

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 07:45

Yep funny the depression doesn’t affect his ability to work or function in other aspects of his life.

Original poster
Youngmamaa2 · 28/11/2019 07:47

@puds11 it really depends on the day, some days he's great, some days he's a dick, the past 3 days he's been a dick

OP posts:
Hurdygurdy24 · 28/11/2019 07:50

Yep funny the depression doesn’t affect his ability to work or function in other aspects of his life.*

That’s some assumption you are making there!

Hurdygurdy, did depression make you ignore your small children's needs and shout at your spouse?

It made me very difficult to live with for a period of time. I think that’s probably pretty standard if someone is genuinely suffering and in a relationship it can be very difficult for the other party to deal with.

I also know a lot of people who have no idea what it’s like to really struggle with “the black dog” who just claim to be depressed and use it as an excuse to be a twat.

I have no idea which category OP husband comes under.

Littlefrog99 · 28/11/2019 07:53

That's awful behaviour, YNBU to expect him to pull his weight. My DP is currently suffering with depression after a catalogue of horrible life events. When he's not at work we always take it in turns to get up with the DC. If he does the night wakings then he gets the lie in and we swap the next day so we both get chance to rest. Depression hasn't made him forget that we're a team and support each other.

GertrudeCB · 28/11/2019 07:53

I have moderate depression and I get up at 6 every morning to walk the dog then go to work full time.
Your husband is behaving like a spoilt arsehole and I am furious for you.

NoSauce · 28/11/2019 07:54

These threads are depressing.
Stop putting up with this shit OP!

Vulpine · 28/11/2019 07:55

Hes a father. His kids are his responsibility depression or no depression.

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 07:55

Hurdygurdy24 your also making assumptions. The OP says he has ‘mild’ depression, was he actually diagnosed or has diagnosed himself. Is he on medication?

The one thing we can confirm is that he works away, OP is a SAHM mum and he is not a supportive DH when he is home.

Depression can be awful however to be in the darkness is moderate to severe depression not mild....

Nuttyaboutnutella · 28/11/2019 07:59

I also have a 2 year old and a 6 month old that doesn't sleep very well. DP works and is either up during the night with the baby or such as this morning, awake at 4.30 with the toddler. Neither of us get s full night's rest really.

I've also had mild depression after my eldest and think it's starting again now. Guess what, I have to get up and see the the kids.

He sounds like an complete bellend, OP and you really don't have to put up with it

Original poster
Youngmamaa2 · 28/11/2019 08:00

@champagneandfromage50 he was actually diagnosed but the Dr told him to go to therapy and make changes in his life. He has a stressful job, has alot of trauma from been a kid, he's emotionally stunted. Generally when he's dealing with stress his mood just drops & he struggles, he's had a past of been suicidal

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 08:00

GertrudeCB sounds like your doing brilliantly. Depression can be so debilitating and for you to keep going is fantastic

DeathStare · 28/11/2019 08:01

He was being a dick.

I think you need to talk to him about this at a time when he hasn't just woken up. Between you come up with an agreement about who will do what in the night/mornings both when he's at work and when he isn't. Point out to him that he isn't "helping you". These are his children too and this is parenting. In fact you are "helping him" by not forcing him to do every other night up with your DD as that would be a fair 50/50 split.

GertrudeCB · 28/11/2019 08:02

I have no other choice, a bit like the op has no choice but to do everything because her dh is a dick.

Morgan12 · 28/11/2019 08:04

Hes never helping you out again? By watching the children you made together?

Guess you know your place then.

I'd damn well be making sure he knows his.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/11/2019 08:04

Depression or not, he’s an arsehole.

BeanBag7 · 28/11/2019 08:05

If he hasn't been working for 6 weeks he should have been helping you overnight for 6 weeks. (Arguably he should be helping even when he is at work but I know some SAHPs take on that responsibility)

If he swore and shouted at you I would not take that lying down. And "don't you ever ask me to do anything for you again" is a disgusting attitude to have towards someone you should love and support, depression or not.

champagneandfromage50 · 28/11/2019 08:05

Youngmamaa2 that is the usual advice for mild depression. They usually advice lifestyle changes, looking at diet and adding in exercise and perhaps talking therapies. Has he done any of that? He may need to consider a career change if his job is the main cause of the stress....

Swipe left for the next trending thread