Mum guilt - going back to study and work to better our futures

[Firsttimemomma]

DD is 8 months old and my first child. I went back to work part time (2 days and a morning from 8 - 11) in September and have gotten a leadership promotion. Due to my promotion, work are also paying for a post grad course for me which will give me even better opportunities in the future and automatically a higher pay - it does however require a lot of studying (50 + assignments this year!!). If I quit doing it I would have to pay for the entire course which frankly I can't afford as me and OH have found our dream house (5 bedroom, 3 bathroom... Etc) so have put down a big deposit for it. OH is an optometrist and our mortgage relies on both of our incomes (my future pay which my employers have stated I would receive dependent on this course). OH looks after DD 1 and half day and my mum looks after her another day so me and OH get 2 days together with DD. I'm now thinking of leaving DD with a childminder (from 11 - 4) so that I can get my assignments and work done as there is no one else on hand ro look after her. AIBU in wanting to get all this done in order to have our dream house and our future but compromising on giving up that time with my baby to do so. I feel guilty enough with the 2 and half days as I don't want to miss out on anything with my baby but I'm also thinking of all of our futures as this would only be until the end of this academic year.

If you don’t have any protected time to study, you won’t get those assignments done. If you want the pay rise and the big house, you need extra childcare. DD will be fine.

Mum guilt is a social construct. Just decide not to feel guilty. Your husband doesn't feel guilty working much more than you presumably?

Look, society well tell you to feel guilty not working, working, studying, spending money on yourself, feeding them non organic food, whatever. You just have to ignore it all and just do what works for you.

Missing out on stuff with your baby seems like a big deal now prob because you've been stuck like glue with them for the first few months but it's normal. The kid won't know, and it's good they get to bond and build resilience with others.

Decide not to feel guilty, it's pretty liberating.

My work day is usually 9 - 3.30 so I'm usually home before 4. Another option would be to get my sister over for the weekend so she can help looks after DD but it's not a guarantee she will be able to come every week. The post grad qualification will mean I can earn more whilst still doing only 2 and half days.

I think what's adding more to my guilt is recently I've had a little cousin pass away who was only 10 days younger than DD. She was born prematurely and has had 3 major heart operations sadly, it's really tore me apart and I'm treasuring every moment with my little girl

Why would it need to be a weekend? Pay for a day's childcare in the week, then you'll be doing 1.5 days with your kid, same as your OH, and you'll have 2.5 days at work and 1 full day committed to the course (which is a temporary thing).

Childcare would be during the week, weekend would be if I had my sister stay over Friday night to help for Saturday

If it was me, I'd pay for childcare but up to you. Either way, def do the course, chuck the 'guilt' and then you can go back to working part time on a fortune in a big 5 bed house 🤷‍♂️ seems pretty good to me!

I'd definitely do the course. I finished my MBA and did my finals about 4 months after I had twins. I've since done an MSc and I've always worked full time with a lot of travel. Their dad was a sahd and went back to work full time when they were 5. No guilt here.

When you 0hrase it like that it does seem good! Childcare would only be during term time so we'll still get all the holidays together

If you were a man, this would not even be an issue for you.

Just get on with it.

@ukgift2016 amen, sister

The guilt isn't about working, it's about leaving her with a stranger. If she was with her dad I'd be fine with it

On the one hand I'm very sceptical about the whole stretching yourself to the limit for a dream 5 bed 3 bathroom house for 3 human beings... Are you planning 4 children in total? Otherwise why stretch yourself to your absolute limits? This will put you under massive stress as if either of you lose your job or can't work at some point due to serious illness or an accident you'll be stuffed. Couldn't you be more pragmatic and buy a 3 bed so you won't be overstretched? Why do you need this massive house for a small family? I hope you have good insurance against loss of earnings...

On the other of course you can't do your assignments while looking after an 8 month old, and that'll only get harder over the next 2 years - you can't study while in sole charge of a toddler who doesn't nap, you'll just end up resentful and snapping at her and leaving the TV on as it's impossible. Of course you need a childminder so you can study!

Investment in your career and qualifications is an excellent idea, for the income when she's older and the role model function when she's older (irrelevant now but it's an investment in the future). However if the house will overstrech you I'd rethink that part! Buy something less flashy which won't put you under such pressure, and save a buffer...

If you don’t have any protected time to study, you won’t get those assignments done. If you want the pay rise and the big house, you need extra childcare. DD will be fine.

Exactly. You're doing what's best for all of your. Your dd included.

All the best with your course. It sounds like an amazing opportunity!

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

A childminder will follow the early years curriculum and do lots of fun activities with her as she becomes a toddler. Obviously an 8 month old doesn't need to socialise etc but take your time and find someone you trust and are comfortable with and that could be an investment in DD's future too...

Don't feel guilty, your DC gets to spend time you and your DH, you work for a company who is investing in you as a PT worker, you're in a fantastic position and your DC gets to spend much more time with a parent than most children (more than mine and DH and I worked PT). This is a temporary situation with a massive benefit for you all. Pay a childminder and do your assignments, your DC will be fine.

What an incredible opportunity, do not feel guilty! But definitely put your child in childcare are so you can study exclusively and then have exclusive quality time with your child when you're at home.

What do you do? This just sounds like an impossible dream for many (myself included!) I’m guessing it’s in education?

In other words, ffs do it. In my experience it’s easier to put babies into childcare than older children. Though id always choose a childminder, rather than nursery, for a baby.

This is an incredible opportunity, do not let it pass you by. Guilt is a pointless emotion. Time invested now will benefit your family for years to come.

Studying whilst working and with a young child is hard. If you don’t organise dedicated study time (and dedicated downtime) you won’t be successful. Investing in your skills is the best use of time and money. Go for it and good luck!

Ps I’ve just read that you’ve already put down a deposit on the house, which relies on your future income?! How is this possible?

We've actually managed to put down a big deposit so haven't had to take out a huge mortgage which would be impossible to manage. Renting a 3 bed house in the same area would almost equal to the monthly payback for the mortgage! Regardless of how many children we have this is our dream house where we could use the spare rooms as a study/office too. We currently have a 3 bed and it does not suit our needs. On the market a 4 bed house had the same asking price as this 5 bed even though it didn't have as much to offer which is why we've gone for it. The house we've chosen is what we see as our forever home and of course we would not do anything which would overly burden us financially

We've put a deposit down but my employer has written out a letter on intent stating what my future earnings would be, the mortgage broker accepted the LOI and used this for our affordability check. (Usually you get 4-5 x your salary so even a 2k increase means you can get almost 10k more for the mortgage!) but we're not borrowing the maximum amount that was offered to us.

It's only for this academic year

Your DD will not remember you studying and will only remember growing up in the lovely home.

I did the a Post grad cert my industry specific version of an MBA when my daughter was 10-12 years old. At the time she found it really hard, but she now respects me for getting it and securing our future. She only got how tough and important it was at graduation.
Doing it now will be less stress for everyone.