Why is MIL so fixated on doing things the 'right' and proper way?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

For example, I opened the dishwasher while it was running to put a spoon in - she went mad. I had a bunch of flowers and she was putting them in a vase. She removed 5 leaves max then made a huge fuss about putting them in the compost bin,. It was raining heavily and that bin is quite a way from the house so I told her to chuck it in the rubbish bin. She absolutely refused and left these few leaves by the door. We told her to arrive at our house at 1pm. I saw her pull up outside at 12.50pm and sit in her car until 1pm when she came and knocked on the door. She is very uptight and unable to relax and enjoy the moment. If we have made plans to do something then suggest doing something else this throws her terribly. For example, we had arranged to go to the zoo on Saturday but it was raining heavily so we suggested we went there on Sunday as weather was better, and did the indoor activity originally planned for Sunday on Saturday instead. Well you've never seen anything like it - completely unable to cope with this threw her into a frenzy about what we'd eat, and other such what ifs and non events. These are just a few examples of what she is like. She goes to church every Sunday but is extremely intolerant of other people who do things wrong in her eyes. She exhausts me. Makes me on edge and I don't enjoy her company at all. What makes her like this?

She even has to have the right napkin ring. Bloody exhausting

Bit of a deviation from the general thrust of the thread, I know, but that's the whole point of napkin rings: they mark your napkin out so you don't sully your lips by dabbing them with a napkin which someone else has used to dab. They're not just for decoration.

That's why they're thought rather infra dig by some people as it implies you don't have freshly laundered napkins at each meal. Imagine - the horror!

Anyway, I understand that's not the point of the thread. Have to say, I've known a lot of people like this, usually (but not always) from the generation above mine.
They just seem to like to do things properly (as they see it) and don't necessarily have some underlying pathology.

I agree with the poster upthread who pointed out that a lot of people on MN may be annoyed if MiL turned up half an hour early rather than waiting until the designated time. Perhaps she didn't realise you could see her waiting in her car. And, since you could, couldn't you have just asked her in rather than leave her sitting there?

Not 100% sure from your posts if she has always been like this, or if it’s something that’s got worse.

So if it’s got worse, it could perhaps be a sign of dementia. My mum was misdiagnosed with depression first and also started to display rigidness with her behaviour. So things like going to the compost bin in the rain, she’d do that because that’s what she’d normally do (though before being ill she’d definitely put it off or just chuck in the bin - she was so laid back) and I think she’d worry she’d forget to do it later or didn’t quite have the mental functioning to reason that it’s raining and so therefore not essential. She does all sorts of unnecessary things, because of being unable to read the wider situation.

A change of plans around would really confuse her too. She’d worry she’d turn up at the wrong place.

That doesn’t make it any easier to manage but I try and get angry at her illness rather than her (which is easier for me as genuinely so out of character for my mum).

Hope that helps to just have another perspective and if she’s always done that then it may not apply!

@SaltedCaramelEverythingShe has always been like this. DH had a very difficult time and has no real happy memories of her. When my DS was born 14 years ago we lived abroad and she came to stay for a week when he was 2 weeks old. She was dressed and ready to be taken out sight seeing before 9 am every day and couldn't see how inappropriate/difficult it was for me with a breast fed newborn to be ready/in the mood for this. She never changed a nappy, held him, made any effort to interact with him. She said 'Mine fed for 15 minutes ever 4 hours, what's wrong with him?' I've never forgotten that. Once we went to visit and my dd was travel sick all over herself and car seat. DH asked if we could put a wash on and she said 'there's not enough for a full load, you'll have to handwash it'.

Oh gosh that sounds awful. You have done very well to put up with it for so long! If she’s been like it for so long then definitely can’t pin on dementia, I just wanted to suggest in case. Sorry I don’t have any other helpful suggestions, I’d suggest just avoid where possible and if she doesn’t make the effort to get in touch then really don’t feel like you should go out your way to organise anything. The difficult behaviour must have been hardest when you had a newborn, but it certainly doesn’t sound much better now

It could be anxiety or, maybe her parents were obsessed with etiquette & doing things 'right'. Sometimes most of your template of behaviour patterns are set in childhood. Was her boarding school overly rigid too? Some of them are very odd & overly rigid rules wise: My DM was House Mistress at one, every moment was controlled & regimented, no down time to just 'be' a normal child. Some of them left at 16 to go to my state 6th form & went slightly mad & giddy at the 'freedom' (normal teen social stuff for rest of us).

DH is like this, it's exhausting. I don't think I can cope anymore with it, because he micromanages me and expects me to do the things he does because it makes him feel better

• makes us walk longer for go without cash if we cannot find eg. a Santander atm for a Santander bank card. Cannot use a different atm, he will lose his mind

-say things exactly the way he is thinking in his head, minute differences bother him, e.g. yes, I did do them and yes, i did the dishes- same fucking thing but he will tell for hours because I didn't say it right. Similar things change of plans throw him off. If I say it is a nice day, might go out for a walk with the baby and I dont he will moan for hours about me being disorganised so I dare not comment, same as going out without saying anything earlier "oh you are so unpredictable I can't plan around you -mention all sorts of non-events and imaginary obstacles.

Not anxiety, he is a controlling arse

Often as people get older they get more and more set in their ways, and become less and less flexible. They also have fewer things to think about (no work, children etc) so tend to get fixated on things that slip under the radar of busier people.

She comes from a wealthy well to do family and went to boarding school and is very obsessed with etiquette

Sounds to me she has no experience of normal family life. Perhaps she learned what she knows in an old-fashioned strict boarding school hence having strange mothering skills. Perhaps parents justified her being away all the time by telling her that she needs to learn to be well mannered lady and run an efficient home. And she sticks to her rules, not realising how unnatural they are.